ME!

[GentleSoul]

So one year anniversary today of late alkie narkie husband dying from heart failure and long list of ailments he caused by his drinking. 

I am a different person.  Seriously.

I have had huge changes along the way but somehow they all came together in last couple weeks.  I have my sass back.  My confidence.  My sense of fun.   My interests.   My self esteem.  I am laughing a lot more. 

I had become too nice.  Too sickly sweet, fawning, so exhausted I would go to any lengths for some peace and quiet, so no boundaries.  I used to hear myself say things and think "puke".  I don't do that now.  I hear a clearly spoken, assertive woman!   I didn't like myself at all as the person I became to cope with living with a PD person.

There is loads going on here in my home due to storm damage but I am dealing with it really easily.  Enjoying the challenge actually. 

Just back from a holiday with my new partner and it was so lovely, relaxed.  NORMAL!

NORMAL!! Shall I say it again????  Normal.

Energising not exhausting.

Can I also say loudly? PD people are so irritating with the attention seeking rubbish.  Honestly as often said, two years olds in adult size bodies. 

By coincidence I had contact with a waify covert narkie victimie PD yesterday.  Luckily I was able to handle it by text rather in person.  Her reply was so 100% tedious typical PD.  It was basically - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I want to make chaos out of a very straight forward situation.

All I had needed was a "yes or no" permission for a  very small thing. 

I just looked at her reply.  I noticed my old trained in response of fight/flight/fawn to her did not in any way kick in.  No burst of anxiety that I used to get dealing with PDs.   I just thought &&***%% off!  I am not playing your sick game.  The permission I needed was urgent but I decided to leave the text.

Went had a cup of tea and did a few things. I did not react.

About half an hour later my phone tinkled.  A reply from PD.  "Yeah, that's fine".

See, by not providing a response, she gave up trying to get narc supply from it.    Don't feed the sharks.

The food I eat has all changed. I now eat delicious foods, I am cooking again. I stopped due to covert narkie digs at the food I made. 

Oh a whole long list of things, I was drained away by late PD husband.  Every aspect of me was drained away.  I was a shell.   A traumatised, exhausted, anxious, shell of a person was left. 

My body has come back into regulation now.  The Trauma Bond gone, I still get intrusive thoughts of euphoric recall of my marriage now and then but I know that is the chemical withdrawals playing tricks on my body.  I can now feel that it is not a longing for him instead is part of the long term process of chemical withdrawals.  My body craving one last "fix" of the toxic chemicals I lived in for so long.   

I now live in a calm, long lasting stable energy.  Not a toxic rollercoaster of highs and lows.  A different type of fuel to my body and mind.

[Andeza]

Haha! I can hear your sass in your post! Love it! I honestly think that pwPDs don't really like people with sass because they're harder to control. Doesn't stop them from trying though, sheesh.

I'm glad you had a great holiday. 

[square]

Oh wow, I can definitely see the change in you! It's not just what you're saying has changed, the way you express yourself has changed.

It's wonderful to see the real person come out.

Different aspects of that person (you) may emerge over time, I don't know, but what a relief to see it happening.

[Boat Babe]

Excellent news my dear. 😁

[Hilltop]

Congrats!!!  Your confidence shines through in your post.  It's great to hear that you came back from your holiday energised and not exhausted.  Great to hear that you feel relaxed and calm.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you all very much for your posts. Andeza, Square, Boat Babe & Hilltop. 

The ironic thing is that this is how I was when late hub met me.  Strong, sassy, assertive, competent woman dressed in fabulous clothes.  Over the fifteen years we were together, it very gradually drained it away.   A lot of it was used by him deciding to be professionally ill so he could opt out of being a grown up.  Anyone care giving knows how exhausting it is.  His original fake illness which morphed into real illness.

Anyways I am back now so that is all that matters.

I notice my normal type irritation is back.  My normal responses to situations. 

I think you will understand this, the constant irritation of being around a covert nark is different to normal irritation.  Biting it back too to keep in Grey Rock as if expressed it would be blown into hours of pouting, sulking, pity parties etc.  You know the stuff!   

Anyways normal irritation is so different, it feels like a quick flash of anger that comes up and out and is gone in a second.  I noticed it the other day, I was out in the very high winds of a storm battling with my garden fence that was about to fly away like it was in the Wizard of Oz tornado when a neighbour came by, stood there watching me and asked "what are you doing". 

A flash of irritation shot through me, on the tip of my tongue to say "I am riding a &&&&& bicycle, what does it look like".  I felt the flash of beautifully normal irritation, I laughed inside, then told him to help me!  Which he did.

[feralcat]

I love this !

Not only for detailing the healthy versus the unhealthy (freeze , flight, fawn or fight) reactive reaction to someone being annoying
But also plugging into how certain relationships make you change over time. Ironically away from the person they said they were attracted to , in the beginning. Can't work out why. Maybe they always had a covert or subconscious desire to mould you into what they really needed ? Who knows ?

I've been seeing a therapist recently. She talked of 'rediscovering' myself. Getting back to the person I'd been able to grow into, in between FOO and my two marriages. It was like a lightbulb. It's been so insidious (long term) that I'd gone along with it. Not to rock the boat. Old patterns reemerging . People pleasing girly.

So (healthily ) annoying. And so sad.
So .....Go Girl !!!! Rooting for you.

[GentleSoul]

I love this !

Not only for detailing the healthy versus the unhealthy (freeze , flight, fawn or fight) reactive reaction to someone being annoying
But also plugging into how certain relationships make you change over time. Ironically away from the person they said they were attracted to , in the beginning. Can't work out why. Maybe they always had a covert or subconscious desire to mould you into what they really needed ? Who knows ?

I've been seeing a therapist recently. She talked of 'rediscovering' myself. Getting back to the person I'd been able to grow into, in between FOO and my two marriages. It was like a lightbulb. It's been so insidious (long term) that I'd gone along with it. Not to rock the boat. Old patterns reemerging . People pleasing girly.

So (healthily ) annoying. And so sad.
So .....Go Girl !!!! Rooting for you.

Thank you.    Great that you have a therapist, here in England we don't really do that but I would be very interested to.

Re-discovering ourselves is what it is all about. 

[Pepin]

I love this so much GentleSoul!  I am absolutely warmed by your 180 after a year and I can only hope for the same for myself a year from now.  I'm giddy that with Easter coming up, I don't have to entertain DPD CN MIL.  That is a true gift after 20+ years of her in my life.  We can do Easter on our terms!   

[GentleSoul]

I love this so much GentleSoul!  I am absolutely warmed by your 180 after a year and I can only hope for the same for myself a year from now.  I'm giddy that with Easter coming up, I don't have to entertain DPD CN MIL.  That is a true gift after 20+ years of her in my life.  We can do Easter on our terms!   

Thank you very much.  Easter on your own terms sounds wonderful.

For me, once my confidence came back it all got so much easier, instead of wondering what I should and should not get involved with now, my natural state returned and it became very clear what is for me and what is not.    Who to spend time with and who to avoid. 

[losingmyself]

I am so very very happy that you found yourself again! And you remember that you are pretty awesome, and always have been. You're an inspiration, Gentle Soul! 

[GentleSoul]

I am so very very happy that you found yourself again! And you remember that you are pretty awesome, and always have been. You're an inspiration, Gentle Soul! 

Thank you very much.  I am glad to be sharing here on the "other side of it all".

The world seems entirely different now. 

[GentleSoul]

Couple of things have come along that pleased me.

In last few days a couple of instances where services I have paid for have been ok.  Acceptable, did the job but not brilliant.  ....... and I said so.

I did not in any way feel obliged to pretend they were better than they were.  I wonder if anyone will relate. 

When late husband was here I fell into a way of being that even the most mediocre thing seemed good.   My perception was distorted.

Now I am returned to my true self, my outlook is more accurate.

So with both the services I had, I thanked the people who provided them with the right and healthy level of thanks.  Not over the top. 

There was an issue a couple days later with one of the services so I immediately texted the tradesman to get it resolved.  No overthinking about was I being unreasonable, should I give it more time.  A polite, directly worded text.  Not all flowery, round the houses words.

 

[blacksheep7]

Couple of things have come along that pleased me.

In last few days a couple of instances where services I have paid for have been ok.  Acceptable, did the job but not brilliant.  ....... and I said so.

I did not in any way feel obliged to pretend they were better than they were.  I wonder if anyone will relate. 

When late husband was here I fell into a way of being that even the most mediocre thing seemed good.   My perception was distorted.

Now I am returned to my true self, my outlook is more accurate.

So with both the services I had, I thanked the people who provided them with the right and healthy level of thanks.  Not over the top. 

There was an issue a couple days later with one of the services so I immediately texted the tradesman to get it resolved.  No overthinking about was I being unreasonable, should I give it more time.  A polite, directly worded text.  Not all flowery, round the houses words.

Yes, good for you in not settling but just being yourself.   We do pay for a service after all.

I worked in customer service for many years so I believe in being honest if something is not to our liking or acceptable.  There is a way to express it, that is the key imo.  When I am happy or even get more than I expected for any call to customer service, I give them credit knowing how important it is to the coordinator serving me.

I also do not have to answer to anything that I don't want to, keep my privacy. 

Last summer we had someone come in for a quote on a job.  Dh came for the appointment then went back to work, rep continued the paperwork with me and starting asking me all these questions: if I worked, I said no, retired and was continuing.  I asked why, making him feel uncomfortable.  He said it was to chit chat.  Without any shame or guilt I said that I keep my life private. 

I found him trying to be too friendly.  I avoid that. 

The  new you is doing wonders.

[GentleSoul]

Yes, good for you in not settling but just being yourself.   We do pay for a service after all.

I worked in customer service for many years so I believe in being honest if something is not to our liking or acceptable.  There is a way to express it, that is the key imo.  When I am happy or even get more than I expected for any call to customer service, I give them credit knowing how important it is to the coordinator serving me.

I also do not have to answer to anything that I don't want to, keep my privacy. 

Last summer we had someone come in for a quote on a job.  Dh came for the appointment then went back to work, rep continued the paperwork with me and starting asking me all these questions: if I worked, I said no, retired and was continuing.  I asked why, making him feel uncomfortable.  He said it was to chit chat.  Without any shame or guilt I said that I keep my life private. 

I found him trying to be too friendly.  I avoid that. 

The  new you is doing wonders.

Thank you.

Interesting that you mention the rep asking you questions and you not liking it.  I am the same way, I think it is a leftover from late husband questioning me.  Not the questions as such, with him it was always because he wanted something so was looking for a way to indirectly get it.

So as example, he might very pleasantly have asked if I had plans that day.  Then from my answer he could gauge if I was going near a shop he wanted something from.

Always an underlying motive.  He would never just say, when you are passing a certain shop, could you pick up whatever for me.  Which I would have been quite happy to do.  It was the underhand manipulative questioning that juddered on my nerves.

So any questions immediately make me think - what is this person after!!  Haha, hopefully this will leave me in due course.

[1footouttadefog]

Glad you have healed from the last chapter of life and are living live anew in this next chapter. 

[GentleSoul]

Glad you have healed from the last chapter of life and are living live anew in this next chapter.

Thank you. I am enjoying myself. 

I am carrying on my personal growth work as I love it so much.  Has been a passion of mine for many years.   There is always so much to learn as we go along.

[Mintstripes]

What a wonderful update, Gentle! I can relate to looking back at the "old you" and cringing at the thought of what I would put up with.

You're doing great!! Keep riding the badass wave 😄

[GentleSoul]

Thank you, Mint Stripes.

Hopefully I will continue to grow and develop.

I had something I needed to deal with this morning that was very uncomfortable.  I allowed my body to feel the full discomfort, then took the action and moved forward through it.  The discomfort faded and my body chemistry came back into balance.  Always feels so good afterwards. Sense of achievement.   My gut instinct guided me.  My gut instinct is accurate and I honour it.   

[Mintstripes]

Thank you, Mint Stripes.

Hopefully I will continue to grow and develop.

I had something I needed to deal with this morning that was very uncomfortable.  I allowed my body to feel the full discomfort, then took the action and moved forward through it.  The discomfort faded and my body chemistry came back into balance.  Always feels so good afterwards. Sense of achievement.   My gut instinct guided me.  My gut instinct is accurate and I honour it.

That's also great news. I find that the more comfortable you are with yourself, the less you get intimidated by others. I used to want to speak up much more than I did, and if I did my voice trembled. Now, I just talk without fear. It took years.