Here I am

[Jsinjin]

I feel truly happy for you and the changes you have implemented. You seem to practice better self care and have found a refuge from your stressful marriage. What made you see that the door was always open for you?  And then eventually take it?

A friend took the time to actually share listen and encourage me to do things unrelated to the mess.    We worked together on projects that had success tied to them.   We built a wooden crew rowing scull together, and did the work associated with completing the cottage house.   As I had success with accomplishments in real life that were not part of the circus and that were actually big, long term projects with focus and detailed goals I was able to feel better and see that the circus was holding me back.   I wasn't someone who needed either one of those "only you can choose" sort of sayings not was I someone who needed to see that "tiny steps such as cleaning your sink or waking up on time will help".   I needed to do very big things with detailed steps and long term planning that had end goals and felt like I had achieved something.   When I say that this was possible with space and shifting my time away from the circus I felt much better.   Nothing has changed at all with my spouse.   She is still angry, upset at the world who "just don't understand" her frustrations with local politics or need to turn ad fliers into heritage items and prone to significant physical and emotional.ourbursts over things that one can't imagine are issues (garbage can placement or dishwasher loading).   But I find success and joy in life with big complex project successes.   When my friend helped me land with those things and to see that not prioritizing those was holding me away from happiness I realized I had to make changes.   But for all those reading this, I'm an Asperger's or what one would call "on the spectrum" these days.   I find joy in taking one of my old organic chem textbooks (T Graham Solomom-Organic Chemistry) and working every problem for several weeks using a calligraphy pen to do the writing in a blank journal.   Or other strange things like that.   I don't enjoy many other people as a severe introvert, my career let's me spend all day solving problems and I've been very fortunate with finances and business ventures.   My problem was that I spent all of my time wondering why my spouse is the way she is.   The answer is that it doesn't matter, if I want to have time to do.big things and accomplish stuff and find joy I have to carve out my own space somewhere else.   I finished up the cottage the way I needed it with some help from a friend and I bought a mountain cabin in a neighboring state.   I can leave my spouse to do the anger ridden emotional stuff and just get things done at my end.  This summer I'm going to reach myself to hand tie flies for fishing and build a rock version of an outdoor fireplace.   My kids are all coming different places from their colleges so I'll see them between their summer jobs and summer school and I'll see my spouse some and I assume she will be angry about the latest issue.  But she can stay in the messy home and worry about things to be mad about or upset about every day.    I just need to feel like I'm a success at what I do.

[notrightinthehead]

and you are. I really enjoy reading your updates. So glad you found your way out.