Letter Never Sent

[starshine23]

Here are all the things I would say to my father, were it not a complete waste of time.  (which it would be.)

1. You enjoy hurting and disappointing me.

2.  You never visit us or invite us over.  (Us being me and my 2 children, ages 6 and 7)

3.  You cancel plans or try to make plans at the last minute to "keep me on my toes."  (Power and control.)

4.  You spend more money and time with and on your horses than you do on me or my kids.  They are a priority.  We are not.

5.  You have no interest in being a grandfather or father.

6.  I can't depend on you, and I can't trust you.

7.  You don't even care enough to want to see your grandchildren on holidays, birthdays.  Don't even want to watch them open their presents.

8.  It's your loss.   Not mine.  Not my children's.

9.  Someday you will probably wish you had been nicer to me.  When you are all alone and no one else will put up with you. 

10.  You don't deserve my children, and you don't deserve me.

11. I am not going to beg you to be in my life.  Not anymore.

[_apparentlywicked]

Starshine. Your first point is enough to let go of him.

If he does ever wish he'd been anywhere near normal it won't be because of the pain he has caused you. It will be all about him. And worrying what others will think about the fact that you're not in his life. He'll worry that it will make other people wonder why you're not in contact. Although he will at that stage smear you to make himself the victim.

Npddad is frail and bedbound. I can tell you he has never expressed remorse for his abuse. He actually tries to tell me how great a father he was. This is partly why I can't stomach it anymore. He tells me that the carers tell him he's a wonderful father. I just sit in silence. He then gets angry that I'm not confirming his false image back to him and then lashes out about whatever he thinks off to punish me. It's horrible. Try to make the child you have abused your whole life say that you're a wonderful parent and then abuse them when they don't. Eurgh. Good riddance to it.

[Maxtrem]

Thanks for the idea @starshine23, I tried this exercise to write a letter that I will never send to uBPDM, it was not easy and emotional! I realize that unlike you, my letter is written in the form of multiple questions, not assertions, perhaps you have gone further in your quest than I have.

Why did you spend your life using me? How could you be so egocentric and pretend to put everyone before yourself? Why did you belittle me, criticize me, make me feel guilty (even if I never felt guilty, I always knew that basically I wasn't the problem), manipulate me (which you did brilliantly). Why talk against my girlfriend behind her back, she may not be perfect, but she is perfect for me! Why pretend to be an eternal victim when you threaten to give up free and competent psychological help? Why have you always made me feel like we like my utility and not my person? Why did you destroy who I really was to create someone you could use? Why have you always made me feel that my feelings and needs are secondary? How do you manage to show a second face in public right after you've put me down, as if nothing had happened?  How can you use such egocentric revenge when not everything is about you? How could you run smear campaigns against me? Why did you parentify me?
How could you do all this to me without any remorse?

How could you, when all these things have been done to you and you know the consequences? It ruined your life and those of your brothers, why perpetuate the cycle?
I've had hope since you've been in therapy, but you threaten to drop everything at the slightest challenge. Maybe you enjoy pleading, being an eternal victim, that the feelings bring you greater joy than getting out of it? Anyway, that was another disappointment for me!

But I am not destroyed, I am a good person and some people like me for who I really am. Recently I realize the scars that this has left on me, not all of them because of you (other family members contributed to that for sure), but I know that I will overcome them. It will take time, but I'm not going to give up!
However, I know that you love me, even if it's very badly, and I love you too. I have no hard feelings or even resentment. 

[FogDawg]

If he does ever wish he'd been anywhere near normal it won't be because of the pain he has caused you. It will be all about him. And worrying what others will think about the fact that you're not in his life. He'll worry that it will make other people wonder why you're not in contact.

That is the sad truth. My father will not own up to a single thing and his pathetic attempt at reconciliation is to try to bribe his way back into my life. Since I will not dance like a marionette, I can only imagine what is being said about me, not that I care at this point. I hardly saw most of my relatives even before going no contact with him, so I am used to the isolation and virtually no one giving a shit about me. At my mother's funeral, there was a lot of talk about keeping in touch, yet they were merely empty words, just as I expected. In my case, it is what it is.

My problem is that I always wound up sending any letter that I wrote (five in total, I believe, over a course of years), plus I spoke my mind a few times besides, and none of it accomplished a thing. Trying to have a relationship with him in general was a waste of time, with pa unable to ever see anyone but himself. When I was not made to feel invisible, I was also belittled in verbal ways, which led to healthy self-esteem, of course Some in my family seem to think that I cut him out of my life solely because I am angry with him (do I not have the right to be upset over never having a dad and learning from him only how not to be?) and have said to stop holding a grudge (they need to take into consideration that I learned from the master); it is mainly because nothing ever changes and I refuse to tolerate his bullshit any longer, especially when there is nada to be gained (I will gladly pass on the dissociation and actually feeling like a marionette for a time, thanks). I am not losing out on anything - he is.