Disinherited and estate nonsense (Ndad recently dead now) - advice needed

Blue233 · January 14, 2020, 01:36:56 PM

I have posted before in this forum, and the current update is that Ndad has died (he committed suicide). During the past year I had been no contact with my entire family (but had not made any official statement to them about being NC). I basically had stopped responding to all abusive texts or messages.

Younger brother is GC and narcissist as well. Older brother is enabling and looks the other way for the most part. All of the family ramped up their abuse of me after my mother's death 2 years ago, culminating in me deciding to go no contact. I am definitely the scapegoat.

So in the past month, older brother has let me know father committed suicide - and I decided to go to the funeral. (Not fun at all.) Basically be prepared for everyone telling you "how wonderful" your nparent is, while you smile blankly and nod the whole time, "Thank you, thanks for coming." Biggest gas lighting experience of my life.

Since then I have found out from younger GC brother (also a narc) that my ndad decided to dismantle the trust that inherited my 2 brothers and I equally (he did this about a year ago, and before I was no contact and still technically "dutiful daughter"). He gave the family home (about $350,000 worth) to GC narc youngest brother alone. I have confirmed this on county recorder site, my oldest brother and I were not on the beneficiary deed my father drew up a year ago. GC youngest brother got it all. So that means oldest brother was out as well regarding the family home, not sure why on that. (Maybe he has gotten some compensation behind the scenes I'm unaware of.) I do not know at this point if oldest brother knows this or not, or if youngest GC nbrother promised to "cut him a deal" or something like that. But basically, youngest GC brother is only one legally inheriting the home.

I have asked both of them about the will. Both have purported to not know where it is or to have seen it yet. My father made my youngest GC nbrother executor of the estate, so I'm screwed in that regard as well since all decisions have been left to the most controlling, narcissistic sibling who has made my life a living hell before this.

(As a side note, my siblings went through all of my mother's things after her death and did not invite me over to do this with them, nor did I get anything from my mother's estate or personal items. That was 2 years ago. I had a good relationship with my mother when she died.)

My question to the rest of you is: is it worth it to lawyer up at this point and fight them? (We are not wealthy and couldn't afford thousands in legal fees.) Or do I just give it up and move on with my life as best as I can at this point. What did you guys do?

What has brought the rest of you peace in this area? I'm still very angry at how unjust all of this has been as well as feeling very powerless to obtain any inheritance at this point (which financially would help us quite a bit). I feel I'm damned if I do at this point, and damned if I don't - if I ask further they'll just accuse me of being "money grubbing", and if I don't speak up, it gives them tacit permission to do whatever they want. I'm screwed either way.

Any advice or personal stories would be helpful at this point. Thank you.

TwentyTwenty · January 14, 2020, 01:57:36 PM

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this..

I'm likely not representative of most that would be considered for some inheritance or other estate from my abusive parents, so my opinion is my own.

I have no desire to see a will, estate or anything from my abusive parents. I don't want one red cent from any of them, and frankly do not care what they do with their possessions. I don't care who or what they leave anything to, I hope to be left out of the whole discussion.

Farewell to thee!

Blue233 · January 14, 2020, 02:02:00 PM

@twentytwenty: I appreciate your perspective. It helps me when others tell me this actually, because I know that we can walk away and be happy even if we don't get a dime. I'm just not there yet. I appreciate you sharing.

hhaw · January 14, 2020, 03:11:56 PM

Blue233:

I'd go to the courthouse and ask a clerk what papers you need to fill out to contest a will. In my first marriage my MIL got 10K dollars after her sister promised to leave her their parent's home and didn't. I was told the 10K made it impossible for MIL to contest the will.... if she'd received nothing it would have been better for her... just repeating what was said.

If you were left zero....
if you feel that's unfair.....
ask the file clerk... google the procedure in your State... and do something about it.

If you can't ignore what your gcbrother and others will say about protesting the will.... maybe don't do it. You know what they'll say and you have to weigh out that trouble for yourself.

Good luck,

Blue233 · January 14, 2020, 03:28:38 PM

hhaw, thanks for the tips, I appreciate it.

looloo · January 14, 2020, 03:38:09 PM

I'll eventually be the one to handle my Nmother's estate, and she has a trust. From what I understand, the will needs to be filed with the county she resided in, so that document will be available for those who are interested in seeing it. You can check with your father's county of residence court records (it would be probate, even though trusts don't go through the probate process).

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Blue233 · January 14, 2020, 07:09:35 PM

Thanks looloo for the input. From my understanding, now that my brother has been deeded the house via beneficiary deed, it's his. Now if my father left a will, that may or may not go through probate. I imagine his other assets would have to be probated unless they are spelled out in a specific will.

Either way, having to talk to my brothers at all about this stuff opens me up for further abuse, blame, gaslighting, and nonsense. A huge part of me feels it's not worth it at this point, I was wondering if other people had come to the same conclusion in their own journey.

Adria · January 16, 2020, 07:32:34 PM

Blue,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I got so sick of it all, I told my narc father, years ago, to take me out of his multi-million dollar will, and I meant it. GC sis is in charge now, and I know my sister's will never let me get anything even if I were in the will. Sure, the money would help a lot, especially since he stole my house and equity years back, and left me penniless. But, I've made it this far without him and his money. I'll make it the rest of the way. I will never talk to my sisters about the will. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. They have sold their soul to the devil. Now, they are in ill health and probably will not be able to enjoy all that they have spent their life sucking up for. I've been NC (scapegoat) for nearly 25 years. To me, it's just plain not worth it.

Maybe you need to do your homework and then weigh the pros and cons. I'm sure you will know what to do. I wish you the best. Hugs, Adria

Blue233 · January 17, 2020, 11:19:20 AM

Thank you Adria,
I appreciate you telling me about your experience in your family. It helps me a lot. I too don't want to talk further with my nbrother about the will, as I know he will use it to further abuse or harm me. I also feel the same as you re: not giving them the satisfaction - I hate the idea of him knowing it bothers me. They love having control over us. It looks like he will get it all at this point. My best bet is just to walk away, they're not worth it. I couldn't imagine doing what was done to me to my siblings, but alas, we are the normal ones in our abusive families. There is no justice for us, it's so hard to accept.

GettingOOTF · January 17, 2020, 11:45:44 AM

I don't know how helpful this is but I've given my situation a lot of thought and decided that if this happens to me I will leave it. It's not worth the aggravation. Years ago my apartment burned down. I lost everything, including my pets. I had nothing and was basically homeless. The landlord was negligent. I spoke to a couple of attorneys and I had a good case. The fire and loss of my pets was so traumatic and the landlord was a bully. Even though I would have got a decent amount of money I decided it simply wasn't worth opening those wounds again. It took me a while to get back on my feet, and even now with distance I feel I made the right choice.

I'd speak to an attorney just to see options so you don't regret it later but if you and your brother both contested best case is probably 1/3 of the $300k minus taxes and attorney fees right? I have no experience here but that would be my "what's fair" guess. I don't know your financial situation. Of course money is always welcome but is it worth it to you?

Personally I think leaving someone out of a will is the most petty and vindictive thing a parent can do. It's your last message to the people you leave behind and my heart hurts for anyone who has this done to them. I'm sorry it happened to you.

Blue233 · January 17, 2020, 01:41:29 PM

@gettingOOTF
Agree on disinheriting being spiteful. I think it's something only disordered parents do (unless for example the child is a long time drug user or some other special circumstance where parent knows they will just waste the $$ - and even then I believe there is a special trust etc. a parent could set up where the child couldn't blow through the $$). I agree it's essentially ruining any possible positive memory a child might have and leaves a permanent legacy of pain - it also makes it unlikely siblings will have any close relationship after this. I certainly wouldn't want to ever speak to my nbrother again after this, especially as he has made it pretty clear he doesn't feel there's anything wrong with my father's decision. I personally would never do that to my siblings, and if my parent left it all to me, I would still share it with them.

And actually, I stand to lose more than 1/3 of about $300,000 - it's actually likely my father had at least 5-800,000 in assets or funds in his bank account. So I'm definitely walking away from about $300,000 is my guess. I also feel it's not worth the added stress of hiring a lawyer, they'll just interpret that as "going to war" and make my life a living hell. I just want peace and happiness now, so I'm willing to walk away from a substantial sum to obtain that.

Fuzzydog · January 17, 2020, 02:05:48 PM

I grew up in a privileged environment and have seen the bloodbaths that can ensue after a relative of means passes away.
I can only speak to my own experience here, but I have resolved that when my very wealthy NM passes (she's almost 96, but healthier than I am), I will let all of it go before I fight. I am fortunate enough to not need it for comfort, I can't give that advice to those who struggle, but the peace of mind, to me, in my circumstance, is worth more than the extra that would come my way if I fought for it. My toxic FOO can have it all. The almost 5 years of NC have given me some clarity, and a more modest life is worth it to me.

That said, others here have really excellent advice if you need this inheritance.

Blueberry Pancakes · January 17, 2020, 03:18:27 PM

Hi Blue - I have a similar situation in that my parent's chose my narcissistic golden child sibling as their "trustee successor" and executor of their Will. My parents actually gave me a copy of it a few years ago and I was aghast that they named her to these roles since she is notoriously bad with finances. In the documents, my parents also gave her a huge loophole by stating that she could take compensation from their estate in whatever dollar amount she felt was reasonable to compensate for her time and effort by closing out their estate. She is to pay off any outstanding debt, pay others who she hires to help her, and whatever remains split with me 50/50. I am NC with my sister for two years now. She is angry and vindictive. I know she could take their entire estate for herself and leave me with next to nothing. It would make her feel like she won in the end. My parents did not write me out of their will, but did not specifically allocate anything to me or protect me in any way.

It feels like overt favoritism and it hurts. I questioned my parents about it and they just got mad, so I dropped it. Unless they incur big medical bills, their estate will be in the 7 figures, so I will be walking away from a good amount. I am prepared to not get a dime. Before I just walk away though, I do think I will hire an attorney to see what my options are so I am more educated and will not have regrets about it either way. Bottom line for me is that I do not want to be pulled into the arguing, do not want the interaction with my sister, and no longer want this to be part of my life.

Blue233 · January 17, 2020, 05:27:55 PM

@fuzzydog - I agree with you, a modest life is more important to me too than going through more abuse and trauma at this point. I'm OK with walking away, too - even if that means I won't be financially set up quite well for the rest of my life.

Blue233 · January 17, 2020, 05:30:49 PM

@blueberry pancakes: yes, it is crazy how they choose the most abusive/irresponsible one to be executor of the estate - clearly they don't actually care what happens to their estate, as long as the scapegoats don't get it! my nbrother (executor) cheated on his past wife numerous times and was a borderline alcoholic. me on the other hand, married to same spouse for almost 20 years, 2 kids, both have stable professional jobs. nparents always choose their GC to be executor, and often GC's are just like the nparent. they reward the GC for being just like them and kissing their asses - any of the other children who choose their own lives, gain freedom, and don't put up with abuse are out. it's disgusting, and it's not love or family.

blues_cruise · January 18, 2020, 07:34:26 AM

Quote from: Blue233 on January 14, 2020, 01:36:56 PMMy question to the rest of you is: is it worth it to lawyer up at this point and fight them? (We are not wealthy and couldn't afford thousands in legal fees.) Or do I just give it up and move on with my life as best as I can at this point. What did you guys do?

I haven't faced this, however I did decide upon stopping any contact with my father that my inner peace was worth being disinherited over. I don't know if this has happened yet but I fully expect it will, given that he's obsessed with money and the feeling of power it gives him. I've personally always been at peace with this likelihood and it doesn't bother me.

I'd question yourself on what you think your father was trying to achieve by only leaving an inheritance to one child. He no doubt knew that it would be the final twist of the knife and that it had the potential to cause rifts with your siblings. My suspicion would be that the idea of this happening brought him a lot of supply before he passed and that it was his final act of manipulation. My personal preference would be to drop the rope, refuse to play that game and to move on with my family of choice.

Danden · January 18, 2020, 08:35:35 AM

I had this experience too. My M and I were always estranged, but I still thought I would have a place in her will. She had always said how important it was to her that her two daughters should receive equally. Then she did the opposite. After my father died, she started talking about dividing her estate unequally between myself and my sister. This started more problems between myself and my M than there had been before and eventually I stopped talking to her.

Then she signed over her house, her primary asset, to my sister, without my knowledge. I was very shocked and upset, but I also got around to a rational approach. I looked into my legal options, did my own research on the law in this area, and talked to a few attorneys about what I could do. Interestingly all these attorneys told me there was absolutely nothing I could do. I simply had to remain a co-owner with my sister. I could not force her to sell the house or pay me out, according to them. They also made me feel like a money grubber. Just another case of people not understanding the nature of emotional abuse. But I didn't let them get to me, and I was not convinced. I did some research on the laws in my state and found that there had been a recent case that was adjudicated by the supreme court in my state. This case changed things for inheritance law. Basically, it had to do with ownership of my mother's house, which was held by myself (1/4), my sister (1/4) and my mother (1/2) after my father died. The case made it so that, since my mother signed over her part to my sister, they/she were essentially obligated to pay me out, if I wanted that. So I located the attorney who had argued that case, and went to see him, in a distant part of my state. He obviously understood the law in this matter whereas all the other attorneys I talked to clearly did not, even though they were "specialists" in this area. So by doing this I got the part that my father had left me. At least I had that, and I felt better about that.

Bottom line: I did all the things I could do to find justice for myself. Don't walk away from it all unless you know you did everything you could do for yourself. If you do everything you can do, and nothing comes out of it, then at least you know you did everything you could do. That is one thing that helped me feel better about the whole thing.

I wish you all the best.

Poison Ivy · January 18, 2020, 01:22:44 PM

In my state, arguing that a will or other estate plan is unfair won't take you very far. Basically, you need to show that the will is invalid or that the testator (in this situation, your parent) was unduly influenced by someone to change the will. It's a hard type of case to win.

hhaw · January 18, 2020, 01:29:32 PM

That was a great story, Danden.

I think there's so many things going on, choas, emotional reactivity, judgments... ours and others.... things can seem overwhelming and not worth engaging.

The equation of doing everything we can, then releasing expectation is a good formula to master in life, IME. The attorneys who gave you wrong information, while behaving as though they had all the answers... judging you.... is pretty common with attorneys in general, IME. Particularly those with unstable egos. or PDs.

Sometimes the pay off isn't worth the time or expense, IME. Sometimes having our say is all the pay off we need, IME.

Weavingthru · January 18, 2020, 03:53:36 PM

I'm so sorry that you're going through this situation. My UPDM (and by default enF) informed me that they've written me out of their will. I can only assume everything will go to my GC sibling. They also requested that I return all family heirlooms via certified and insured mail in the same nuclear option email that communicated my disinherited status. I did not respond but sent the items back. Obviously it depends on your state of mind and local laws but I don't see much use in trying to contest anything here. Will contests are expensive and the outcomes are hard to predict. If you feel you will be abused during the process the healthiest thing to do may be just to accept that this behavior is hateful and spiteful (but not at all surprising) and leave it at that.