can't unsee behind the curtain

[not broken]

I read an article recently and I loved how it described not being able to unsee what you now are aware of, or have been educated about in a relationship with a pwNPD or BPD.  I am reading so many posts about how people live, cope, deal with a partner with PD, and I am starting to wonder how you get there?  Or was there a clarifying moment when you knew you couldn't deal any longer? Or as I say, "needed to get off the train". 

I've been married over 18 years, 3 kids, we live a fortunate life, but he's been verbally and emotionally abusive for almost all of it.  Originally there were long periods in between outbursts and verbal lashings and the last 4-5 years it has progressively gotten worse to the point of me detaching emotionally. The last two years I have been becoming more and more aware of narcissism, BPD, verbal and emotional abuse.  My kids have been in therapy for a while, and I have been as well off and on for almost five years.  About six months ago, and when I think he sensed that I was seriously considering leaving especially because of the toxic environment and my kids, he admits to being abusive and starts going to therapy.  Some changes have certainly taken place- no more yelling, vicious verbal attacks, etc.  BUT I see that it is still all about him.  The behaviors or beliefs remain in some way, but the harsh actions are gone so his assumption is it's so much better. 

I love him and I thought when he stopped being mean, it would be better.  But now I have seen behind the curtain and am hyper-vigilant for any manipulation, coercion, irrational responses to me disagreeing about something (anything really), love bombing, etc.  The pushy-controlling behaviors are now replaced with needy-guilt ridden behaviors (IMO).  He plays the victim- he's hurting because I need time to be affectionate and work through my feelings, etc. I often don't feel empathetic, but I struggle with being sympathetic to the why for him.  He had a traumatic event in his teens, not his fault  but I know he is accountable for his behavior and actions now. 

I should probably also mention that there has been financial abuse as well- he controlled all of the money.  Once when I asked him what we would get our daughter for her bday (when he was mad at me for something) his response was "I bought her a car, so she's doesn't need anything.  I have a book for her.  Do whatever you want." I was not allowed to pay a single bill until six months ago- unless I wanted to the wrath of hell brought down on me.  Even something I was supposed to fix like a remote thermostat: it wasn't working on his phone and when I said I thought it was when I checked my phone, he told me that it didn't matter that it worked for me.  He was the one it had to work for, not me and what the F was wrong with me, he shouldn't have to qualify whether or not something was actually complete.  I wasn't allowed to pay that bill either.  He did.

So, here I am.  Looking for help.  Wondering how to know if the emotional connection can ever return, or if it's denial.  Trying to take care of me now, and my girls.

[Starboard Song]

There are members here who say that it can be done. Disorders are on a spectrum of severity and consistency. It is possible, for some people, to manage away the worst traits and recover the loved core personality.

Whatever path you are on, this is a good place to determine what is feasible for you.

I commend to you the self-care books that are the top-line of my signature: the ones that meant the most for me and my wife and we strengthened ourselves to deal with her parents.

Good strength to you!

[coyote]

not broken,
There are those of us that have made it work. I am one but I seem to be more the exception than the rule here. One key to my success was being able to implement boundaries and enforce them consistently with logical consequences. As Starboard says it also depends as to where they fall on the spectrum as to how able they are to gain insight and make changes.
I know this is a short response and when I have more time I will try to fill in more details. But I will say the support I get here and the Toolbox has made all the difference. So, Boundaries, Medium Chill, no JADE, no Circular Conversations, the 3C's have been some tools that have helped. Look at the 51% rule also. You have to take care of yourself first so you can be there for the girls.

[Summer Sun]

Not broken, it is great you are working on you and your girls, making you, and them, your priority.   

The toolbox is a great place to learn how to adjust our behaviors, what to do. What not to do.  Understanding the various traits and tactics deepens our knowledge and strengthens us internally IME.

I guess there comes a point, at least it did for me, where I could see the promises of change were empty, or outright lies which were intended to deceive me  in order to keep me controlled.  I had the full gamut of abuse, physical abuse which was escalating, as well, emotional, psychological, neglect.  He'd taken advantage of me financially, isolated me and I found myself in a very scary and vulnerable position.  I read a book that helped me understand myself better and my then relationship.  Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. 

When I could really see that HE did not want to change, and realized that I could not and should not force him To change, I had to ask myself if I was prepared to further endure all I had endured and worse for a lifetime.  It would have killed me.  I had no cause for hope.  I left.  And I now have an amazing life (not perfect as my FOO are my current challenge).

Wishing you strength, courage, wisdom and support along the journey.

Summer Sun