Mother's Day

[Stepping lightly]

As usual, just putting some words out there to vent and stop them from revolving endlessly in my head. 

I have always been very laid back in my expectations as a stepmother, I do not expect much from my 2 teenage stepchildren on holidays, birthdays or mother's day.  I have always felt that if they decide to acknowledge me on any of these occasions, great....if not...it feels icky, but I don't dwell.  Usually I can tell myself, "they forgot", or "they weren't comfortable reaching out when BM would know about it" etc. 

Yesterday, I was very pleased to get a sweet text from DSS15 wishing me Happy Mother's Day.  I figured DSD17 would not reach out (she never does), using the standard excuses to make myself feel better.  I was ok with this thought process until I found out the DSD had reached out to MY stepmother and her paternal grandmother (who has really hurt her in the past and BM despises) to wish them HMD.  This really hurts, she clearly didn't forget, and clearly she felt comfortable enough to reach out to someone in my family, therefore really weakening my BM loyalty excuse. 

Not much I can do, just needed to vent 

[notrightinthehead]

I am sorry. Just remember, your worth is not determined by how others treat you but how you behave yourself.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Ouch Stepping lightly!!
Darn it, my kids forgot mother's day too!! All three of them!!
I was low-grade upset the whole day about it.
I felt angry, annoyed, sorry for myself, unappreciated. No breakfast, no card, no gift, no flowers, not even a verbal Happy Mother's Day! Such ungrateful brats!

Then I remembered on Monday (when everyone asked at work about my Mother's Day. sigh) how much my kids love me, and the endless ways they show it. Because, really, I know that I am loved incomparably by my children.
My kids tell me that they love me every day.
My 16 year old hugs me every time he leaves the house.
My 13 year old and 14 year old tell me about their day, every single day, after school.
My kids share things that are important to them, like jokes and stories and details of their lives, silly tik-tok videos, their progress in school, their progress in video games, what makes them laugh, what makes them angry, their ideas about people, families, society, the way things work.... They let me know who they are. They share their innermost worlds with me. It is such a gift!!
My kids are unafraid to be at their worst around me. They let me help them through the crummy stuff.
They do small kindnesses and favors for me, like taking over my turn cooking if I have a migraine, or quick shoveling a path to my car when they go catch the bus.
Sometimes they bring me treats from the store, or things they made at school, so I know they think about me (in a nice way!), even when I am not around.
Sometimes they tell me that they are "glad I am their mum because..."
They are proud to introduce to me their friends.

It was annoying not to get the standard acknowledgement on the requisite day. It sure would have been nice to have that. But I guess I don't really need it. I know I am loved and appreciated.

[Penny Lane]

I STRONGLY STRONGLY relate. Mothers Day doesn't matter ... but it kind of does, it's about appreciating the unappreciated moms. And stepmoms are often VERY unappreciated.

For the record, I do think it's likely that BM would lose it about her wishing you a Happy Mothers Day, differently than with grandparents. Conjecture, sure, but I think pretty likely. And like BC said, your DSD knows she's safe with you and you will still love her without an acknowledgement.

Since you are a good (albeit underappreciated) stepmom I know you won't say anything about it. But maybe you can do something nice for yourself this week. Buy yourself a mothers day gift or spa day or whatever. You deserve it! Your feelings are valid even if they don't have an outlet.

[wisingup]

I'm sorry for anyone whose feelings were hurt on MD.  But here's another perspective to consider.  We have super low key mother's & father's days around here with me & my husband & 2 adult daughters.  The days sometimes go unacknowledged.  And I consider that a success of sorts.  Why?  Because once I was 10 or 11 or so, anything I did for my mom was purely out of fear that she would rage and pout if I didn't do it.  None of it was from the heart.   If your kids / step-kids don't feel compelled to make a big to-do, they obviously don't fear you & you can assume that anything they do is heartfelt.  Some years they will express more than others, and that may be a reflection of how the relationship ebbs & flows over the years. But they are not acting out of fear & resentment.  I call that a win!

[Stepping lightly]

Thanks all for the feedback.  DSD never brought anything up and I never mentioned.  We do VERY laid back Mother's/Father's  Days as well, we know the pressure the kids are under.  I think I would have felt better if I thought she had forgotten, but it was intentional because she reached out to everyone around me, except me.  However, something is going on with her right now, and we don't know what it is. 

She's 17, so DH has been super flexible with her coming and going, we fight nothing anymore.  However, at this very moment, she has the ability to be at BM's, but because of some weird timings with exams she came back here after she finished school this morning. She said she was going to come back to pick up DSS, because he's done with exams and didn't have to go to school.  But...hours later she is still here.  That....has never happened, she has always gone to BM's if she can.  BM also asked her to babysit her half brother on Saturday, during DH's time, and she was there and back within a couple of hours.  Historically, we would not have seen her for the rest of the day.  So, something is up, she is extremely cranky with us....and seemingly to BM as well so....we just wait to see what happens.