Triggers are back!!

[The New Me!]

Hello there, just started to feel so much better - have even managed the longest without taking my anti-depressants - 4 days, which is a major achievement.  Now my Mum and Step-Dad have been in touch with my son - he's 23 - and are picking him up to take him back to their house for some lunch at the weekend. 

Had a bad day at work today - misheard a senior nurse on the telephone - and thought she made a derogatory remark - and I reacted and she denied she's said it.  Saw her later on and apologised for possibly over-reacting.  I have been in my current role for only just 3 months - I'm part time and I am still getting to grips with the system we use for inputting and storing patients' treatment information.  She was quite sharp anyway and not particularly patient, which didn't help the situation.  She actually went to speak to my band 3 team leaders about it and I have been worrying the rest of the day about it.  I was doing my best to help her and didn't know how to do the task she'd asked me to do so I needed to check how to do it anyway.

I can't help but wonder if the potential meeting up my son is doing with his grandparents made me over-react.  Has anyone else experienced these triggers and do they get better over time?  I'm also wondering if it's because I've stopped taking my anti-depressants.  It's a long time since I've felt so unsure of myself! 

[square]

You've decided to stop antidepressants? Why?

Are you titrating down or going cold turkey? How long have you been on them?

I am certainly not against weaning off antidepressants as a rule, but it needs to be done carefully.

[The New Me!]

  Square

I am going cold turkey, because I've skipped days and tried to go longer in between taking them, etc, but I have always resorted back to taking them every day.  This is the only way - for me personally - to come off them permanently.  Everyone is different.  I have been taking them for the past 6 years and don't want to be on them for the rest of my life.  Thanks for your reply.

[square]

Indeed, everyone is different. Have you read up on going off of them so you know what to expect and what potential issues to look out for?

Also do you have someone in your life who knows you are doing this and can give you a heads up if they see something concerning? I ask based on personal experience.  And again, not being against going off - just that it may need to be thoughtfully managed.

[The New Me!]

Okay, thanks.  I'll bear it in mind. 

[Leonor]

Hi NewMe,

I get it. I do. I'm glad to read you're doing much better and feel strong enough to "go off" your meds.

I also want to encourage you to do so with the support of a medical professional. Meds are meds, and they have an effect (hopefully, positive!) when you take them ... and they have an effect when you stop taking them, too.

It is really hard on your body to abruptly stop medication. No matter how well you feel mentally, you need to tend to your physical health, too. Messing with your meds because you kind of feel like it is harmful to your body.

I'd like to share a moment I hold dear to me. I was in a routine physical. I liked my doctor, felt really good, in shape, hadn't been in therapy for a while, just finally stable. So I told my doctor I wanted to go off my meds.

Why? She asked.

Because I'm actually feeling good, I said.

So they're working, she said.

Yeah, I just don't need them anymore, I said.

Then she looked at me and then at my records. Hm, she said. I think we talked about this last year, actually, she said.

Really? I said. Huh.

Yes, she said. You know, I wonder if the sunshine coming back and you getting out more are helping your mood.

Could be, I said.

Then she looked at me in the nicest way. Are you ashamed of taking your meds?

No, I said. Well, I mean, I'd rather not be on meds ...

Why not? She said.

Because then I'd be all better.

My doctor is AMAZING. Her eyes welled up a little. This must have been a hard year for you, she said (this was in 2019. I knew right away she meant the Kavanaugh hearings, #metoo, etc.)

Yeah, I said, it's been hard, but I'm ok.

She pushed up her sleeve and on the inside of her arm was a tattoo of the female sign. I'm not a survivor, she said, but I have just felt so strongly for women who are that I wanted to *wear* it.

Then she said, If you are off your meds, you'll be "done," right?

Kind of, yeah, I said.

It will be over, she said. You can, like, check "trauma" off your list.

Yeah, I said.

Like it never even happened, she said.

I get it, I said.

I saw how I wasn't asking out of health and love, but fear and shame. I wanted to be "all healed up," totally "normal," just like everyone else. Not the crazy lady on meds. But if I was really in my healing self, I wouldn't want to stop taking meds just because. I'd want to take care of myself, see a doctor, make sure I was making a healthful choice, and tending to me the way I deserved.

Just a thought ...

[The New Me!]

Hi Leonor

Thanks for your lovely story - it's a very positive one - and your doctor sounds lovely.  You are right, I suppose I want to be completely healed and I just felt that I didn't need the anti-depressants any more, but they do make me feel better.  So this morning, I started taking them again, because it is impacting me physically as well and the strange depressing thoughts have come back. 

I am convinced that I wouldn't have reacted the way I did yesterday at work, but then again the person in particular was acted awkward, which didn't help.

I need to make an appointment with my GP to find a way forward.  Thanks again for your lovely reply and I'm glad you're feeling a lot better. 

[Boat Babe]

Anti depressants are a mixed blessing. I went on them for acute anxiety (my kid had leukaemia) twenty years ago. I have tried to come off them several times and get suicide ideation so have to go back on em as I really don't want to hurt myself, or my loved ones.

I would love to be free if them but, that may not happen. I would also love to be free of the way I am because of trauma, but I don't think that's gonna happen either! But I am getting slowly better, so maybe one day I will be meds free.

[DistanceNotDefense]

The brain and chemistry are a funny thing. And I'm still learning.

I've been regarded as someone who should take antidepressants, and I've been prescribed a couple kinds. I would love some sort of help with the depression I do get, but every anti-depressant I've taken has caused unbearable worsening depression and suicidal ideation... and I have to go back off them right away. (Actually had to do that last week with a newly prescribed antidepressant med).

That aside, the depressed brain has a way of convincing and hiding things from us in tricky ways.

TNM, I think it's very clearly that it's both - maybe antidepressant AND the trigger. But, at least in my case, brain chemistry when I am depressed is so shifty that it has a way of convincing me that it's NOT the depression, and triggers like that seem so much more visceral, real, and taken to heart - leaving me thinking "huh, what was that? I'm not depressed though!". It is almost like the depression itself is a parasite that does not want to be killed or noticed.

So while I think the trigger is a serious one (it would VERY much trigger me) if I were in your shoes, I would wonder if the depression sneaking back in was magnifying it. It does that to me all too often - just my $.02

[The New Me!]

Hi there, thanks for the replies.  I have an appointment with my GP very soon to find a way forward in coming off my anti-depressants.  My son met up with his grandparents today and it didn't seem to affect me as badly as I originally thought it would.  I just feel sad, but I know that is a type of grieving.  I do think that as long as I can recognise these feelings I know I have a way of addressing them and the antidepressants help me deal with that.   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi, it looks you are on a good path already, but I just wanted to add another message of solidarity. I'm on anti-depressants too, and they help, but I want to not be. I've had similar thoughts about how taking them is proof that I'm not "better" and still "wounded." I still feel a lot of shame that I am affected by being abused for 30+ years by my parents. Which is absurd logically, but I'm working on the self-care and self-compassion.

I don't know your backstory but if my kids ever want to meet with their grandparents in the future I can guarantee I will be an absolute mess. It more than understandable if you would be in a triggered state anticipating that meeting. Now that it's over do take good care of yourself!

Leonor, thank you for sharing about your doctor. That is a lovely and compassionate lady there!