From villain to lone wolf

[wolfmoon]

Hey, just wanted to share my story. I'm 29 years old. Like many scapegoats, I got kicked out of my house when I was 18. If my parents couldn't financially abuse and control my every move, then I was worthless to them. I got in trouble a lot during those years, not surprisingly, for things I didn't even do. I ended up going to jail and facing two years of probation all for a crime I didn't even commit. This for my family was the sweetest thing ever, because now they had PROOF that I was the villain. I knew I couldn't demand any kind of respect at all, because it would all go back to, "But you're the one that went to jail right?? Aren't you a criminal?"

After being estranged from my family, the whole thing began to fall apart. I've noticed over the years how everything seems to work in cycles, it's never linear for me. In my 20's, as the family fell apart now that they no longer had their scapegoat, I found everyone relying on me again, needing me to fix all their problems for them. So I was the criminal and the villain, yet I was also parentified to the point where they needed me to do all their dirty work for them. At this time, I still was not aware of the fact that I was being scapegoated. I believed I was the villain and so I was always trying to redeem myself in some way.

As the years went on, I began to study this a lot deeper. I slowly began to awaken to what narcissistic abuse was, and so did my mother and siblings as well. When my mother finally divorced my narcissistic father, I thought I would be able to redeem myself in some way. What I realized is that even though my father was outed as the "abuser", I was still going to be scapegoated regardless. Instead of being redeemed, believed, understood, and accepted, the "hero" of the family was now my mother, who my siblings fought to protect fiercly now.. against me. My mother who was just as abusive as he was, was now the poor victim and the martyr. Everything that had ever been done against me was now forgotten and ignored, and if I would try to bring it up, or worse, actually have real problems in my adult life, then I was just causing "problems" for everyone else. I couldn't win, and I couldn't find the emotional support I needed. It pained me greatly to watch my mother receive all the emotional support I needed, and she in a way, would benefit from keeping me in the dark, infantilized, and powerless, because in this way, she would continue to be the hero.

It was around the age of 27 that I finally woke up and understood my role of scapegoat. That was the year of the pandemic. And in all the frenzy of what was going on around me, in all the chaos, I began to see the people that surrounded me clearly. I was the scapegoat in ALL my relationships, in my family, in my friendships, in every single place I've worked. It was like in unveiling this darkness, and all of the demons were revealed. I took the time to remove myself from all of my relationships and become completely alone. I moved far away from everyone and found peace in a dream apartment- my 28th birthday I spent in isolation, no longer having to perform for anyone, just giving myself everything I wanted when I was a child. In isolation, I discovered myself, I found myself, and validated myself.

But it did not last.. because I was the scapegoat in my workplace, I was ganged up against and fired after 3 years of working there. I was also so isolated in this time, that I didn't know where to turn. I couldn't go back to my family of origin, because there was no place for me anymore, but I also didn't have any new relationships I could rely on. So I fell into poverty.. then homelessness. And my mental health started to take such a severe toll that I couldn't find a job no matter what I tried. I finally went back to my mother's apartment to sleep on the couch, and I had to finally ACCEPT being perceived as a "failure" in front of my family. I fucked up, borrowed money from everyone, then couldn't pay them back. Jobs weren't working out, no relationships, and basically just living outdoors with my dog trying to heal myself however I could. "Healing myself" from the wounds nobody ever saw, from this make believe illness that nobody believes I have.

That was already a year ago. I find it incredibly difficult to integrate into society. My siblings and mother resent me deeply for no longer being able to "function" as the parentified child. It's the first time in my life I've become a "bum" financially speaking, needing to rely on others. My internal struggle is this- every time I try to work a job, I am exploited, scapegoated, and overworked. But when I try to make a living off of my own talents, I can't seem to find any success because I am so isolated from the rest of society. Even when I was living on my own, I was still so isolated that I felt like my life revolved around working just to survive. But when I try to create new relationships, I am undervalued, unrecongnized, and often used as an emotional sponge.

The reason I've joined this group is to try to connect with others in some way. As a form of survival, I have become very spiritual and sober, and I live off of very little, almost like a Buddhist monk. I am so broke that I don't even have a phone right now, I never go out to bars or restaurants, so the only way I can make new friends is if they make an effort to understand why I live the way I live. But the isolation, I think, is what's preventing me from moving on. If this is a social dynamic problem, then the way to find healing is to find a way to socially integrate in a healthy way, right? So I'm taking it one step at a time, trying to do something new every day to move towards healing.

I hope I didn't ramble on too much, and thank you for reading.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am so sorry for what has happened to you. One baby step at a time is a good way to work on your healing. However, you might want to look at 12 step meetings too, either online or real life. They might help you with your feelings of isolation and loneliness.
See you around on the boards!