Left a PD partner 3 years ago, now struggling with another

[thelastconfessor]

Phew, you all are very supportive but I have to admit I wish I wasn't back on this forum. 3 years ago I finally left a APD and very childish husband, only to date a BPD now-fiance and everything is falling apart fast.

He and I broke up twice before now, we are very on and off, but we've been together successfully all through this year and last year and I thought we were finally getting better, so we got engaged. But his symptoms of mood swings and illogical thought patterns and unpredictability increased, as did his anxiety, and a few weeks ago he was hospitalized because he had an anxiety attack and I walked into his room to try to help him and he panicked that I was going to hurt him like his parents did when they charged into his room, and he pushed me over backwards. He had never done anything like that before, even though he has a very strong history of PTSD and child abuse.

For years he has claimed that he has already done therapy and it can't help him any further. He was managing his symptoms okay, we were going to couples therapy and he usually blamed everything on me. I have some rough history as well but nowhere near what he does, and I was always suspicious that everything was my fault, but I tried really hard because I love him. During his hospitalization I got my own therapist. She immediately told me that I need to stand up to him and make boundaries and be more self-confident and stop letting him walk all over me. I started to do that since he got home and I realized just how much he is putting me through. I definitely walk on eggshells around him because I never know what will set him off. I know some of it may be the recent hospitalization but he is very grumpy. I asked him what activity he'd like to do and he suggested the dog park, during which he complained that the bugs were too much and got angry at me for not rolling the windows down fast enough and got mad at the dog for playing and told me that his back was hurting and stomped back to the car in frustration. It was miserable and I found myself wishing I had gone alone. He asked me if I had fun and I told him I didn't, he was very stressful to be around. It was the first time in a long time I had shared an uncomfortable truth and he got mad.

Yesterday we were showering together and everything seemed okay but I knocked the conditioner bottle onto his foot. He lost his job a few months ago so I've been buying in bulk, but it doesn't fit very nicely in our shower. He immediately got mad that I hadn't fixed the bottle position a long time ago, and while it has been a minor issue it is a very minor one. I redirected him and thought I was successful but he angrily got out of the shower and then a few minutes later started coming back to yell at me about how I never listen to him about these things. I told him I was sorry that the bottle fell and that I fixed it so it wouldn't happen again in the future, but that I wouldn't apologize for messing it up in the first place because that's a normal, human thing to do. I told him I don't want to be a meek woman who immediately accepts all requests, I need to try my own way then apologize if it fails, which I did.

Again I was standing up for myself and telling him that he needs to be reasonable. He switched the conversation to how he never feels loved or safe around me and this is so much bigger than any conditioner bottle, but I'm not buying it when everything was peaceful 20 mins before. It has now been about 24 hours since he has spoken to me in any meaningful way other than to say that he wants to end the relationship. I told him that I would rather have that conversation when we are both calmer, so now I have the silent treatment.

Part of me wants to be done. There's no questioning that he was wrong when he was hospitalized, and he hasn't called a therapist to book an appointment. He is half-heartedly talking to one that isn't available for another month. I had hoped he would take this all seriously but he's dragging his feet. But I also know that I love this man and I think he's a great partner most of the time. It's hard to think about leaving this life I created and starting all over again. But it's also hard to think about leaving someone who is so loving when he's doing okay, it's just that when he gets scared or feels attacked he responds completely disproportionately. I wish he used the hospitalization to get the help he needed, but it seems apparent that he may not, he's just back to blaming me for everything. :-(

[Sadhubby]

Sorry to hear you are back, although I'm glad you are looking for help.

I think you are doing the right thing by setting boundaries. My therapist has told me to be ruthless in imposing my boundaries as my PD wife walks all over me with little self restraint or regard for me, our son, or reality itself if I don't.

It is essential you protect yourself from this blaming behaviour. Consider following this protocol: if he starts to blame you, warn him that you will leave the room, and then do so if he continues. Leave the house if it goes further. *Do not explain yourself* - to do so usually has a reinforcing effect, as it often serves to make PDs think they were right and that you are making excuses for your dysfunctional behaviour. You wouldn't understand as a non PD because you have a different set of internal ethics and higher level emotional Intelligence, empathy, and ability to compromise. In otherwords, if you reason with your partner, you are likely to only make the ridiculous behaviour worse (if you can believe it).

I think another thing you should speak to your therapist about is why you are attracted to PD types, and what makes you want to stay with them. This may help you better understand how to set your boundaries and be true to youeself and your needs, rather than living with the FOG defining you.