Re-creating Relationship with my "Offspring"

[D.]

I find conversations with my adult, 20 y.o., daughter often unpleasant.   And it makes me feel sad and guilty.  I feel responsible for the difficulties in her life.  And if I don't hear from her I feel worried.

I married a narcissist (divorced after 20+ years marriage) who was emotionally and physically abusive towards her.  I enabled the narcissist.  I also spoiled my daughter, not holding her accountable for bad behavior throughout her childhood and adolescence.  Now my daughter struggles with life, wants to talk frequently, and spends a lot of the conversation complaining.  She is aware of NPD, that her father is uNPD, and talks about specific characteristics and how she is working towards not having them.  She doesn't work or go to school and I feel angry and judgemental about her lack of responsibility.  She currently lives independently.  She says she wants to see a therapist, but doesn't follow through.

I counted about 35 PD characteristics she has from the 100 list.

And in spite of all the negativity I mention she has qualities of kindness, empathy, She did work hard for about a year and graduated high school.

When we talk I try to remember everything about boundaries, speak my truths, etc.  It helps.  In fact she is open to figuring out what our "adult" relationship is to look like.

I know we are supposed to acknowledge the 3 C's of not being the cause, cure or control.  But in my situation I know that my parenting did contribute.  It wasn't the cause, but my parenting was one of many things contributing to her current dysfunction.  It's simply a fact.  How much am I responsible for reparations? For maintaining contact?

I am trying to figure that out right now.  We talk on the telephone periodically and I try to make sure it is on my terms as well as hers.  A reciprocal conversation.  Sometimes that works and sometimes not so much.

I know she is an adult and now responsible for herself, and she intermittently sees that reality.

How do I make my peace with this situation?...

Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions?...

[SparkStillLit]

Ugh, I'm sorry! I have a similarly aged seriously traumatized kid. It's hell not blaming myself. I know I didn't stand up and protect said kid good enough. I don't really know if kid is a PD or a terribly traumatized and abused person. Kid HAS been to therapy and continues to go.
I try to keep my communication validating, kind, and not engage in any drama. Just like with a PD, I have boundaries about what kind of stuff I will engage in. I use the same tactics. MC, validate, change subject. I've talked with my T about this. This kid was and is a more high strung and sensitive sort, and was EASY prey for unpdh. Also kind of hot, and easy to wind up to fury or tears. Anxious and perfectionistic.
Now that kid is (THANK THE LORD) out of the home, it's simmered down somewhat, but....now kid has to recover.
I keep trying to remember that. Recovering from a WHOLE LIFETIME of that shizz. Hasn't even been away from home an entire year, and updh still picks at the kid even though they are LC. Kid's had other horrible outside traumas.
I try to cut some slack. I can hardly navigate this shit with wisdom and sense. This is just a kid. I try to communicate with kindness and validation and firm boundaries.

[notrightinthehead]

Same here.  I also feel guilty because I did not protect them better.  I talked about Narcissm a lot,  explained the different strategies. Now I validate, I admit my own faults and I apologize. Both are adults and out of the house.  While I agree that their childhood was difficult, I also point out that their future does not have to be. I try to walk the line between being 100% emotionally supportive and treating them as capable adults who are the masters of their own fate.

[D.]

Sparkstilllit - Exactly.  Compassion and boundaries.  This stuff is very hard.  i am working on those but feel like such a newbie.

Notrightinthehead - That is pretty much how my husband interacts with his adult children.  Letting them know things were difficult, but they are "in charge" now.

Now, I requested my adult daughter either work or study if she returns home.  Is that reasonable?  She is struggling a lot.  I see the potential for her to slip into a hole of spending all her time with friends and on her phone...

[notrightinthehead]

I think that is completely reasonable. You are encouraging her to behave like an adult.

[D.]

Thank you for affirming.  She came around to understanding pretty quickly.  Setting boundaries is just new for me, and figuring out what is normal and appropriate.  I actually feel good with nearly all our communications now.