I just need the thoughts and prayers for strength

[Jsinjin]

I think that both my wife and daughters treat me with abuse.   It's not physical although if my wife gets challenged or confronted she looks like she will hit or will throw things.   It's the anger that is the problem.   For anything that is against the world view or detailed set of fears and worst case scenarios, the results are an instant escalation to violent anger and rage.  And everything is a worlst case scenario.

Tonight I acted different.   I had a long week; I work a major job and do a lot of external consulting and it was long and difficult.   The family came home late and I knew our dinner was to be chicken marsala.   While they were out I cooked the pasta prepped everything and got out all the skillets and ran the dishwasher and set everything up for meal prep.  I know my spouse hates it when someone else cooks.   When my wife and daughter came in they both launched into me angry that I had cooked the pasta, my wife was upset that she thought I had run the dishwasher not quite full, they wanted to know where the bread was that I threw out and they were actually angry at the entire thing.

I left.   I simply waved and left.   I didn't want to be there.   I went to a burger place and had a burger and fries and a diet coke by myself and read a book on my library app.   And it was oeaceful.   My son texted that he was worried and I shouldn't be run out of the house by them but I wasn't.   I let him know I was ok.

We live in a mini mansion.   Everyone has a late model nice car, we have no deoserate need for food or clothes and the kids college is covered.    They don't want for anything but they're angry at the smallest issues.   I don't like being treated like this.

I have tried to leave before and not come back.   I own a second home inn the same town (it's not finished with a certificate of occupancy and electricity but it's close).   I know it will blow them apart but I feel it's simply time.   I did all of that work worried about the ramifications of them blowing up and they did.   They walked in and began looking for issues to be angry about.   I fear my daughter will find a husband and act the same way because they both treat me this way.  I don't need this.  It's not about some neanderthal expectation of submissive wife, I just dont want someone violently angry with me over something done without any malice and completely good intentions that harmed nothing.   I'm tired of that thin ice all the time.

[square]

Jsinjin, my thoughts and prayers, you got em.

You are not at all expecting any Neanderthal stuff, I can't even.

What you should have gotten was delight at coming home and having dinner on and the dishwasher run. You should have gotten a hug and a kiss and a smile. You should have sat down with everyone telling about their day and saying "it's delicious, Dad."

You deserve that.

[JustKeepTrying]

 

100% yeah that again.

You deserve more.  You are worth more.  You are a compassionate and thoughtful person.  If you think it's time, it's time.  You got this.

Sending you warm thoughts and lots of prayers.

[gfuertes]

It is admirable to be able to calmly walk away from a situation like that.  Many people would feel a need to defend themselves and argue back, and it sounds like that would not have been constructive.  I'm sorry you're dealing with that, and I wish you strength.

Before moving out, away from your family, I think it would be important to make sure your wife knows how you feel, why, and what you plan to do about it.  It sounds like your daughters have learned to respond to worries, complaints, and unexpected things as their mother does.  Your wife likely learned to behave this way from her own mother.  Unless she knows specifically what bothers you - and that she risks losing you as her partner - she may not think there is any reason to behave differently.  She may not be capable of behaving differently.  But if there is a chance that she would rather change her behavior than to lose you, you should make sure she knows clearly what is in your mind.  The way you expressed yourself here was extremely clear, calm and inoffensive.  What would happen if you wrote out these words, for her?

Since you are considering leaving, I would be careful about what you say to your daughters.  They should not be made to feel responsible for breaking up their parents' marriage.  I understand your worry that they will repeat this behavior with their husbands, but you should also be reluctant to tear down their mother to them, or to sound like you want to abandon them along with their mother, because they copy her.  If you prompt your wife to improve, by telling her what's making you want to leave - or if you do leave, and your daughters spend time in your new, separate home and do not see an adult there behaving as your wife does - these will both model for your daughters a better way to behave, without overtly demeaning them or their mother.

[Boat Babe]

Currently living alone. The thought of coming home to a cooked meal by a loving partner makes me want to cry with gratitude.  You do not deserve this my friend. Sending hugs.

[SonofThunder]

Jsinjin, my thoughts and prayers, you got em.

You are not at all expecting any Neanderthal stuff, I can't even.

What you should have gotten was delight at coming home and having dinner on and the dishwasher run. You should have gotten a hug and a kiss and a smile. You should have sat down with everyone telling about their day and saying "it's delicious, Dad."

You deserve that.

Will keep you in thought and prayer as you face these protective and desired healing decisions for yourself. 

SoT

[Kat54]

Their reaction was certainly wrong. I would of been delighted and so happy someone got the dinner started.

You deserve much better and peace in your life. Continued strength for you, you've got this.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

 

Sending thoughts and prayers

[JustKeepTrying]

jsinjin,

if you think it's time to leave, then it's time.  You do not strike me as a person who makes choices spontaneously.  Over the years, your posts and responses are measured and thoughtful.  I wish you peace and support you from afar.

[zenagain]

This and This....

...   I did all of that work worried about the ramifications of them blowing up and they did.   They walked in and began looking for issues to be angry about.   

... I just dont want someone violently angry with me over something done without any malice and completely good intentions that harmed nothing.   I'm tired of that thin ice all the time.

I know this feeling and live it often....   It is often very subtle, but builds and grows in intensity as my coverntw starts to feel her own low self esteem and need a narc fuel kick...  Particularly with all of the isolation around the pandemic, it is hard to see this yourself... and often goes unseen by others, such as neighbors or friends... So I am glad that you were able to recognize it for what it is... and feel you will gain even more clarity in a different space to yourself. 

Stay strong!

[hhaw]

Jsinjin:

Consider what you'd like to model from r your children going forward.

You have choices.