What I’m learning about myself

[Spirit in the sky]

Things are starting to make sense in my head now and hopefully I'm thinking more clearly. 2019 was a minefield for me, my husband woke up to the fact his mother is a N and although I already knew this, I didn't realise how much her behaviour had impacted on me. Basically she verbally and emotionally manipulated for 18 years. Thankfully I had the strength to finally stand up to her and am now NC, my husband has vvvvlc. As I healed from the trauma I realised I was conditioned to self sacrifice and people please and I started to look at my own family and realised my parents dysfunctional marriage had caused me a lot of unhealed childhood trauma.

I've written on this forum many times about my relationship with my mother. I've tried to analyse her, understand her, counsel her, rescue her, save her and it's always been about her. I know she has her own childhood trauma and I know she's emotionally unstable, I've felt sorry for her, judged her, criticised her, been angry and resentful, blamed her and a million other emotions.

In the middle of trying to find myself and detach from my mother's suffering, my father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. All my life I have been invisible to my father and suddenly I felt a need to find an emotional connection. I thought I wanted to love and support him and really all I wanted was his attention and approval. I got myself stuck in the middle of my parents dysfunctional marriage and foolishly expected that we would all act like adults and deal with this together and support each other.

Of course yet again I was left sadly disappointed, my mother is angry and resentful after nearly 50 years of trying to change my father into a loving husband and father. My father is angry and resentful he is dying and refuses to take responsibility for himself, choosing to blame others and wallow in self pity. And naive me thinks if we all just love and respect each other we can work through this as a family. When the truth is we have never been a family. It's been me and my mum and her mental health issues doing our best. And there's been my dad flying solo, living the life he wanted, drinking too much, gambling too much, weekends away with his friends, coming home drunk and ignoring his family responsibilities. Ignoring his family.

Now he's dying and he remembers he has a wife and daughter. He needs us now, suddenly we matter. I understand my mum's reluctance to be used and abused, she feels guilty if she doesn't look after him, but hates herself if she does because she knows he doesn't care about her. I feel like I 'should' be the dutiful daughter and look after him because I feel guilty if I don't but I know he's an energy vampire and he'd happily drain me to save himself.

My mother isn't a bad person, I truly believe she did the best she knew how when bringing me up, practically as a single parent. She had her own childhood trauma, low self esteem and metal health issues and I don't believe she intentionally caused me any suffering. I believe she loves me as much as she is capable of loving anyone, she doesn't love herself and I have learnt unhealthy patterns of behaviour as a child which I carried into adult life. I believe my mother enabled my father's bad behaviour because she didn't have enough self worth to leave, instead she stayed and tried to control him rather than heal herself.

It is actually all really sad, two unhappy people making each other's lives even more miserable and me trapped in the middle. As a child I couldn't express my feelings for fear of upsetting them and I would do anything to avoid conflict. I buried and suppressed my feelings and emotions and occasionally they rise to the surface but when it became to difficult to deal with, I buried them again. Now the time has come I can't suppress them any longer, and I finally understand neither of my parents are going to save me. They can't save themselves and I can't save them.

So it's time for me to emotionally detach and cut the toxic cords that have bound me to them all my life. As my father has turned his negative attention seeking onto me, I realise my mother's struggle and while I don't condone her methods I have compassion for her as a woman. She's fought her battles the only way she knows how and in some ways she tried to protect me from my father but exposed me to her own trauma.

My father has been even more self obsessed and as she sees his supply from my mother drying up he's looking to me as a fresh supply. I've noticed how he tries to control me with money, mocks me if I say I'm tired or exhausted, makes snide remarks when he gets his own way, and thinks it's funny if he 'wins' a small victory of getting someone to do something they don't want to do. No one is allowed to be happy or laugh because she's dying (funny how he spends most of the day in bed watching TV, gets up at lunchtime to go to the pub with his friends, comes home goes back to bed).

I found this video very helpful https://youtu.be/uNWOfXPRNEs

I'm taking a massive step back and working on healing myself.

[notrightinthehead]

Seems like you are very self aware and well advanced on your journey of healing.  The way you describe it, it is mostly the guilt part of FOG that your parents use to get you back into line. But really, what would you have to feel guilty about?

[Spring Butterfly]

Spirit, you have arrived ! and I'm so happy you're in this place for yourself. Stay with this, save this and reread it when abuse amnesia kicks in with doubt that you're on the right path. This is exactly the place you need to be and continue to follow this path. Eyes. Wide. Open.

[Spirit in the sky]

Funny my dad tried to make me feel guilty today when I refused to buy him painkillers, he knows he needs to get them from the doctor instead. He told my mum I never do as I'm told!

Seems like you are very self aware and well advanced on your journey of healing.  The way you describe it, it is mostly the guilt part of FOG that your parents use to get you back into line. But really, what would you have to feel guilty about?

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Spirit Butterfly it took a while but I am grateful to be thinking more clearly. As a spiritual person I find it hard not to be empathic and caring towards my father but the kinder I am the more she takes advantage so I need to protect my energy.
I set a new boundary with him today, he doesn't like the doctor monitoring his pain medication and asked me to buy more. Today I refused and said I was only getting him prescription medication from the doctor. He was furious and started complaining to my mother how terrible I was and I didn't do as I was told. She was actually really upset because she knows how much I do for him, but it didn't faze me. I'm sticking to my guns.

Spirit, you have arrived ! and I'm so happy you're in this place for yourself. Stay with this, save this and reread it when abuse amnesia kicks in with doubt that you're on the right path. This is exactly the place you need to be and continue to follow this path. Eyes. Wide. Open.

[Spring Butterfly]

Oh how I relate! Being a spiritually minded empath it's been difficult for me to mindfully choose to disconnect. Using meditations designed for healing and growing has helped me internalize the Toolbox in a way that makes sense for me.

It's turned out to be deeply enriching spiritually to recognize others are separate beings and wishing them peace and healing from within my heart and *doing* nothing more is quite enough. Even if they don't wish to receive my peace and love in that way it's been enough for me that I've sent it - if that makes sense.

Intentionally and mindfully setting others free is an amazing way to set ourselves free.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

It's turned out to be deeply enriching spiritually to recognize others are separate beings and wishing them peace and healing from within my heart and *doing* nothing more is quite enough. Even if they don't wish to receive my peace and love in that way it's been enough for me that I've sent it - if that makes sense.

Intentionally and mindfully setting others free is an amazing way to set ourselves free.

Spring Butterfly, I totally relate to being  the empath in the family and wanting to make things better,  but also balancing all of that with the awareness that you cannot fix things for other people and sometimes when trying we are the ones who end up absorbing all the "hits". I agree it has turned out to be a deeply enriching spiritual process allowing healing. Well said about mindfully setting others free also amazingly frees ourselves. I am so glad I got to this place, and I am grateful I am not alone. 
   
Spirit - It sounds like you are coming to a similar awareness. It does not mean we abandon those in our family, but rather we realize our boundaries. We have more energy to live in ways that best serve us and the people and things around us. It is hard won awareness, but such a gift. I think you are on a good path, and certainly not alone.