I spent yesterday with my best brother and a few short hours with mommie dearest. I was so glad to have that time with him - he's more peaceful and I saw more of his old self than I have in quite some time. Long story there but I needed to see THAT brother, the only who's once again not panicked and agitated about life. He's pulling his life back into a much-needed good place.
But mother ... I've not physically seen her in two years. Scattered phone calls and texts with her have been disheartening, painful, angry, even violent. Nothing different from her usual, but it seems the distance served to open my eyes yet again.
Mother's not deliberately selfish and neglectful - she simply doesn't SEE, not others and most assuredly not her family. She's not there, truly not all there, and I have no idea how she functions at that remove. I didn't feel the most remote connection or pull between us. There were no joyful hugs, no sparkle of excitement on either side. I wasn't upset at her distance but actually relieved I didnt have to pretend.
Several times I threw out topics of conversation - the brothers who weren't there, her grandchildren who just got married/another planning her wedding/the two I work with every day. Nothing. Sour retorts or random jump to a completely different topic with no apparent connection there either. She brought up yet again ancient grievances from when we were children, worked herself into a lather as if that were just last week. We pointed out the half century that has passed since then and literally laughed that it was still such an issue for her.
I'm sure once we left she picked apart whatever we did/didn't do, read into every nuance, expression, choice of words and tone of voice. That's who *she* is, what she does. We continued on with our day, enjoying the peace of his farm and shared plans for its future. *I didn't and still haven't been sick at my stomach, not even a twinge. HUGE*
I'm FREE. I'm not at all who she's said and accused me of all these years, all those nasty, hateful, venomous character assassinations truly were all of her own making. Not only does that person not exist, she has not one clue who *this* one is. All I feel today is relief.
I think ive finally learned to mother myself and seek what I need from those who can actually provide. I wish all of you the same, and hope you will remind me of this should I need it later. :bigwink:
Quote from: moglow on May 10, 2020, 10:07:54 AM
I'm sure once we left she picked apart whatever we did/didn't do, read into every nuance, expression, choice of words and tone of voice. That's who *she* is, what she does. We continued on with our day, enjoying the peace of his farm and shared plans for its future. *I didn't and still haven't been sick at my stomach, not even a twinge. HUGE*
I'm FREE.
I enjoyed reading this moglow and I'm so happy for your freedom.
I had a bit of this freedom when I had the image of my uPDmother picking apart my visit, my gift for Mother's Day, every thing I said and I realized....I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
Thanks for sharing this. :yes:
Sounds like an empowering experience. Well done! It is so gratifying when we realize that we have progressed and how far we have come. Congratulations.
There's a price to be paid for everything - today's brought several perky texts from mother, asking how I am, hoping I'm having a good day, thanking me for yesterday.
In mother's limited mindset, all is well based on that visit. All is forgiven, slate is wiped clean - until it's not, at her whim. Her expectations will carry her for a while, no recognition of or apology for anything said or done.
It's sad, really sad that an elder sees things so easily through the eyes of a very small child. She doesn't see it so it doesn't exist. Don't get me wrong, I hold no grudges and wish her no ill. In my mind I hear, "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." She'll never understand that, but I do hope she's not hurt by it.
This just in - yet another chirpy text. This one was addressed to "skooter." I shit you not. Never in the history of time has she called me (or anyone else I know) skooter.
Medication time!!
First a cheer :cheer:
... and then :rofl: skooter
Way to be, Moglow! I'm very happy you're at a place of "meh" with her -- I'm about 90% there on good days with Nmom. I just got too exhausted and my give-a-sh*t broke. LOL.
Okay I have to start with "Scooter".... because I just cannot help myself! What was she sipping on?!?!
Most importantly - this is a beautiful milestone that it is a joy to celebrate with you here! A sentinel moment for you I imagine. You are free. Disengaged emotionally. I am so happy for you! :cheer:
The eyerolls are hard here too, believe me. What the actual...? I get she's trying to reinforce some buddy buddy bs image in her head, but seriously. I'm 58, not a 12 yr old boy.
For me it reinforces the limitless perambulations of mother's mind. She's 100% flexible when she chooses and as it suits her, but not at all as it applies to other people. Her behavior is also entirely controllable and not at all "she can't help it." Disease and mental illness this may be, but clearly she CAN manage it when she chooses.
This speaks volumes to who she is as a human being, every bit much as how she treats people when she flips back to her norm.
Moglow,
After almost 10 years of NC, very, very occasionally I have to be in a situation where uBPDm is present...I too am at the point where she rarely affects me anymore...It is very comical for me to watch her switch her personality when it suits her... :stars: My adult children have occasionally reached out to her and every time she ends up biting them (infertility issues and always the first thing out of her mouth is "guess who is pregnant now?" As she gets older, just about everyone has figured her out, and I am less the villain and recognition of what I experienced from her is becoming more apparent...
You are nicer than me, as I would never accept any contact from uBPDm...
When you are able to relax and not react anymore it is very very empowering and PEACEFUL... :yeahthat: I used to hate when people told me that time would heal wounds, but for me, it has been true...I am free....so happy for you
Quote from: moglow on May 16, 2020, 08:47:01 AM
For me it reinforces the limitless perambulations of mother's mind. She's 100% flexible when she chooses and as it suits her, but not at all as it applies to other people. Her behavior is also entirely controllable and not at all "she can't help it." Disease and mental illness this may be, but clearly she CAN manage it when she chooses.
True. And this is exactly why they are not "sick", its their personality. They are just horrible people. Sometimes something traumatizing happened that they became like this, sometimes not. But yes, its controllable for them, they just choose only to control it when they want something.
Congratulations for becoming aware and free of all of that.
A very important thing to do is when you see a person who is narcissistic, quickly imagine that they share 2 traits:
1. They have no empathy. Yes, no empathy for anyone, everyone is a threat to their fake self, how can you empathise with someone you think can expose you at any moment? This is how a narcissist feels 24/7.
2. They can't see what is wrong with that they are doing. I used to be confused any try to find anything to blame myself for the way they treated me, but then I realised, they can't see what they are doing, completely unaware, and if they became aware somehow, they will quickly trick their brains and convince themselves that they are the victim.
When you think of your narcissist this way, you will be less bothered with them, and you won't need to justify anything to them.
Again, congratulations, and I hope you a very happy life.