Help with my son asked

[Starboard Song]

51% rule.....always take care if yourself first before you try to caretaker or forgive tour dad.

That will come after you get yourself squared away, M.

In the meantime you research healthy boundaries and how to enforce them calmly and maybe read up on some parenting strategies....I like The Parallel Process bc it helps parents work through and separate their own stuff while providing clear strategies for helping kids take responsibility and feel we believe in their ability to do so.

You have to stop before you speak, think about what you want people to hear (based on your goals) and say that without expectation, judgment or snark.  It's not easy, I understand.  Lashing out is an emotional reaction and that has to be noticed and dealt with so one doesn't continue doing it.

Easier said than done, but you journal, read, practice calming your brain and body and figure out what steps you should take in the system and what you need to say and do....then do that, stay on track or keep coming back to your track by touching an item you wear for that purpose.....and keep coming back. 

[hhaw]

M:

If you go online and research AIT (Advanced Integrative Therapy) I hope it will be the short cut to processing your trauma and reactivity that alters your life's path and gets you what you need, with regard to your son, expanding your window of resilience, manufacturing more choice in your life and the cultivation of serenity, which you so deserve, my dear.

This is a new therapy my Trauma Informed Therapist has begun using (with me an other clients) and found to be a great relief for herself while working with an AIT therapist in her own sessions. 

Comparing it to traditional therapies, I can honestly say it takes a fraction of the time, I wasn't having to re experience details of old trauma and it is an amazingly effective therapy..... so far, so good.  I thank God I'm processing my legal trauma with AIT instead of ART or other therapies...... and I wish it for you too.

You can do this work over  zoom calls and perhaps find someone working on a sliding scale to meet your financial needs.

If it's possible to do some of this work though research on your own, it's worth the time and effort, IMO.

You seem focused, bright and competent enough to try, IME.

In the meantime, keep breathing, stop worrying into the future, stop ruminating over the past, don't let your father's now predictably bad behavior take your focus..... ACCEPT he's working against you,. which is a deep and devastating betrayal you have never deserved and it's very sad and unfortunate he can't do better, bc he's broken and has no choice.

You SEE choice..... I know you do.  You comprehend your patterns and mistakes and have the ability to look down the road at alternate outcomes depending on the choices you make.  That's amazing and your son will learn so much while you learn and model better things for him.

BTW, expect your father to behave much worse as you learn to control your emotions and be more responsive, rather than reactive.  He might up his game and do more to trigger you, then point, but...... that can end right now, today if you continue standing in awareness and noticing what's going on inside and around you........ and SEEING choices BEFORE you respond.

Not seeing choice, and reacting, is what your father is counting on to make him appear like the savior and you the disordered person..... you can switch that up today, you can, I know you can, M.

Always speak about your father with compassion, even when explaining heinous things he's done to you and your son.  Always speak as though you're addressing a small child, so  you remain level and your voice is low...... you'll also choose simple short sentences to get your points accross, which is better, IME.

And breathe.  Take breaks if you need to..... don't just march on when you feel yourself becoming triggered.  Go get some water, go to the bathroom, look out a window........ develop a happy place you can go to in your head..... the brain actually believes it IN THAT PLACE when you think about it and your biochemistry responds accordingly...... you can get OUT of fight or flight that way, most of the time, IME.  It's important to work at noticing and calming yourself, bc there are so many years of reacitivity and it's too EASY to go down that path without awareness and a plan to cultivate choice.

I'm rooting for you and your ds.  How old is he again?

[Marianne]

Thanks! I've been looking into AIT. And the rest.

I calmed down a lot. Looking fully at the betrayal, and the impact of both my parents behaviour and mine on my kid (and me, and them) was beyond hard and painful. Is painful. As is the fact that my dad will never be on my side.

But I'm starting to feel stronger.  My mind starts to feel more clear and in control. Someone I like told me to trust in the strength of myself and my child. I try. In the meanwhile we've been playing soccer, having laughs and cuddles, and all. 

I am kind of evicting my family of origin from my heart and my mind for now, and this is creating a cleaner place in there for my kid and myself.

I'm still struggling, but not with as wild emotion as before. It's coming in waves, so not sure what else will come up. But I'm taking steps.

[Starboard Song]

It's coming in waves, so not sure what else will come up. But I'm taking steps.

You are on course. Well done.

This is not a leaking pipe to be plugged in a day. This will be a project, and it will take a while, and there is a rewarding healing, and you can get there.

[Marianne]

Thanks for the encouragement.

Maybe saying I'm evicting them from my heart is overly harsh. I'm just taking a huge distance, to be able to see more clearly and stand up for myself en my kid. 

It's just a lot. I've been recovering from the sexual abuse in my childhood. From the partner abuse by my ex. From the fact that all the CPS people didn't protect my kid. Now getting closer to the core of the problem. And this really hurts the most. I hope there is healing. For myself as well as my son. The more I heal, the more I can really be there for him, to help him heal.   

[BeautifulCrazy]

Dear Marianne,

I have been reading your posts and although I don't have any advice or useful information for you, I feel very moved to tell you what an incredible woman I think you are!

Your ability to think through all this complicated and messy stuff and put it so clearly into words amazes me!

You are so insightful about your history with your family and the impacts it has on your current situation... and you seem to easily intuit what you need to do to improve things. And then, like a boss, you move in that direction, with grace and purpose.

Your honesty about the internal and external challenges you are facing is humbling to read. You don't gloss over difficult things and you courageously admit your own mistakes and limitations.

I am truly in awe of you.
You are incredibly strong.
And resourceful.
And intelligent.
You are such a loving mother. Your son is clearly the primary thing in your thoughts and actions. He is very lucky to have a parent like you.
You are setting such an incredible example of resilience and growth for him. I really hope he sees that, if not now, then one day...

I feel honored and grateful to be able read your posts and share your journey here. I feel like I am witnessing something rare and wonderful.
I am just completely in awe. You F***ing AMAZE me!!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

~BeautifulCrazy

[hhaw]

 

[Marianne]

Thank you for your kindness. Reading that does strengthen me.

I don't think I feel it this way though. My trauma responses hurt my kid, my family, myself. It wasn't 100% my fault only...my family hurt me, my ex hurt me, the people who were supposed to help (CPS, MH system) hurt me. But still, I responded wrong. Alle the stupid choices - fear, anger, shame - coming out in stupid ways made it so much worse. 

I'm terribly sad today. My kid called off our appointment of today. He will go to secondary school on tuesday. I won't see him before. He had some vague excuse of still having to do something with his books. It's small. And he is turning into a teen, so I can't expect him to be superhappy to see him all the time. But there's something... I can't say why or how, but I feel I'm losing my child, emotionally (as well as practically, dad hardly allows me to see him). Son acts kind. But the deeper bond seems no longer really there. He distanced himself. As I distanced from my dad, and dad distanced from me. It's broken. I hate both my dad and myself for it. The pain is so deep, that I don't really have words.

I'm really not sure how to reach my kid.

[hhaw]

M:

Maybe your son is distancing from yu.  Maybe he's concerned with his books and going back to school on Tues. 

Maybe your son is adulting and finding his way in his social group, which will mean he depends on his peers more and his family less.  That;s a good thing.  That's what you want to happen.

Maybe your son has been manipulated by your father and cancelled this last meet up, bc of that.  Maybe it will lead to your son resenting your father and figuring out his grandfather doesn't have his or your best interests in mind.

Maybe it wasn't that at all, M.

Maybe this will pass and your son will be open and loving and connected the next time you meet, maybe more so bc he missed this last meeting.

You can't know if something will be bad or good..... that's one reason to cultivate the habit of dropping ALL JUDGEMENT.  Replace it with curiosity, if you can.

Maybe.

I just heard a story about maybe....

A man had a small group of wild horses and one horse ran away.

People said that's a bad thing to have that horse run away.

The man responsed "maybe."

THe next day that horse came back with 7 wild horses the man added to his herd.

THe people said "that's a good thing that horse ran away then brought back 7 more horses."

The man said "maybe."

The man's son rode one of the new horses, and was thrown, breaking his arm.

The people said "That's a terrible thing to happen to your son."

The man said "maybe."

The next day the armed services showed up at the man's door looking to take every able bodied man into war......
and the man's son wasn't taken bc of his broken arm.

I'm paraphrasing here,but you get the picture.  Life's that way, M.  Learning to ride the waves and suspend judgment is a process..... but worth cultivating, IME.  You can't know how things will turn out, so it's better to spend your time doing everything you can and skipping the worry, runination and fear if you're not in real danger. 

[Marianne]

You are kind. I will read the story now and then. It's a good one.

I'm vulnerable. First step accomplished at least. Few things happened with dad, then kid withdrew. Freaked out a bit. But managed to respond calmly to both dad and kid.

Hope some day my skin will grow back, and I'm not so hypersensitive anymore.

[Starboard Song]

Hope some day my skin will grow back, and I'm not so hypersensitive anymore.

That's what happens for all of us. Some of us had BIG damage done. Some of us came through with lesser wounds. But we can all heal in time. And get that thicker skin we need.

I often describe our condition, when wounded, as having a broken Injustice Meter, or broken Vigilance Throttle. I still read books with a hostile character sometimes -- one exhibiting the peculiar patterns we associate with BPD -- and will get really furious. Like, can't keep reading angry. It's absurd: our crisis was 7 long years of NC ago! But that's how these things can be.

You are in the thick of it, so give yourself plenty of time. We say "fake it til you make it" so often we forget its meaning and power. When we know what success will one day look like, we can play act it now. It's like those people telling you to smile in order to be happy. And just as annoyingly as that, it works.

You're doing well. Stay at it.

Be good. Be strong.

[Marianne]

Thanks.

I arranged for good help.

A few things happened again that touched me deeply. All of it is so subtle, that I always feel I'm exaggerating...but it is always tiny things referring to big things.

What name do I give to what my dad does? If I have to explain to the people who get involved, why I am scared?

Example: I was robbed and near-raped a few months back. Then got scared for a few days. Now dad said I can't see kid more often than a few hours a week, because I was unstable three months ago. I said being scared for a few days when raped was rather normal.  He replied, with subtle scepsis and mockery in his voice: oh, so you were raped?

He never comforted me. He didn't ask me how I felt, not even once. He didn't put a hand on my shoulder when I told him. He didn't ask what happened. That already hurt.

But what dad mocks his daughter in disbelief when she says she is raped?

He said he was under the impression I wasn't raped.

It indeed wasn't the technically correct term, since there was no penetration. The owner of a hotel entered my room when I slept, shoved my underwear aside, put his **** between my legs from behind, near but not inside my lady bits, and started to rub and move. I pushed him away and protested and he tried continue. 

I don't really know the correct word, so I said rape.

I told dad exactly what happened. He then continued to blame me. I was first robbed of everything, abroad, neither police nor embassy helped me, and this hotel guy overheard my distress and said there was a spare room in his hotel and I could stay there. Dad said i was stupid and should have known men don't help you without wanting sex. (What then? It was getting late. Sleep on the streets?).

It is just a little tone...but it is a lifetime of denying my experiences and not being there.

And worry: if he doesn't understand that you support your child after she is robbed and "raped"...what on earth does he do with my kid?

If I need explain this....what is the term for it? I know physical violence and threats and rape and all...but his response actually harmed me more than the whole rape thing...and I do not even have a word.

[Marianne]

Sorry for whining.

Sometimes the weird stuff just comes and I'm thinking: wtf? Where do I go with this?

[Marianne]

I still feel terrible, but the help around me is getting better, and we are arranging help around my son. I'm finally capable of telling people in good ways what is happening in my foo. And people respond well.

I'm hoping son is going to be okay, and me as well.

[Marianne]

Hey all, thank you so much for your support. My emotions are less wildly swinging every way now. I felt so desintegrated for a while.

The truth is starting to sink in though. No longer giving in to the manipulation and self-doubt, is healing. Having people hear me, finally, is healing too.

But the grief is enormous, if I look at my son, and how we all failed him because of our own hurts. I do not know if he can heal. And if he heals, I don’t think our bond can heal. The last year something became different in him. I hate both my dad and me for it. And the whole team of MH and CPS people that I told this would happen…and what was needed…and they refused to listen.

I wanted to ask: for anyone who grew up in shitty circumstances…after you lost trust in adults, what would have repaired you? What would you have needed from them? 

For me, I think acknowledgement from my parents for what happened and a stable change of behaviour…but that was only after my dissociation broke open. Before that, I don’t know. I think I was not really aware.

[Marianne]

Dear all, I wanted to report back. Maybe it is good for others as well, to hear people report hopeful things. Thank you all for your help, when I was so terribly confused. I'm growing stronger with the day... I have acknowledged to myself what happened in my family. As well as my own part. I'm capable of assertively speaking up for myself and my son, for the first time in my life. Telling a coherent story. I'm so much more stable in my thoughts and emotions.   

Help is very slow, but I'm being heard. My social workers, as well as the youth worker, really listen to my story. I also found a psychologist who seems to understand. They see that the situation with my dad is not okay. One also witnessed that themselves. They understand it is hurting me, my son, and our bond. As well as my dad himself. My son will start sports therapy. And they proposed to temporarily place my son with friends of mine, so that I have time to recover, and then place him back with me. Another option we are working out this week, is that he could slowly come back to me without an inbetween (as to prevent him moving to strangers first). But with a good supportive family in our street here, where he could be when I have a bad day. I'm still contemplating carefully what is best for him. Advice is welcome. I want the best for my kid. The professionals around us told me they believe my story, and they can see I am responsive to my child's needs.   

I'm doing a lot better. There is hope. Finally. I'm being heard when talking about the emotional safety of my son, and the full complexity of the situation on both my dad's and my side. I have emotional space now to have fun with my son. Be there for him. Last time he was here, I asked him whether he had a good time. He said happily: yes, a VERY good time. We have laughs and play. He carefully starts to open up in some ways...like daring to say when he disagrees or feels angry. I'm so proud of him, and make sure I respond with care. I also have space for my friends. As well as volunteering, where I have fun with my colleagues and customers. We have a good connection. And I've planned on starting a year-course in something I find genuinely interesting.

I've never learned to find out what I myself really liked, or how to connect with people from within, or how to voice my thoughts and feelings and boundaries. Or even know them. I'm so happy I can do that now. It's been a major change the last half year. It feels like I'm finally building.

I took my distance from dad. He again tried to gain more control through the youth workers by manipulating. And he subtly dropped the message that he will go to court if anything changes in my son's living situation. He says he and my mum asked a lawyer already years ago for a strategy. He subtly threatens and lies, and I'm done with him. Totally done. I love him, and I see his incapability, and I do kindnesses like buying a Christmas present for my son to give him (we split the two christmas days, i do not wish to go there, but kid does). But emotionally, I've disconnected. Until he is fully honest, I cannot trust him. I need to work around him. And work on my own part. Now I've disconnected, magically, my dad promised to seek help. I've begged him for years and now after I gave up, he wants to go. He told me about fifty times: I'm normal, I don't need help, I don't do anything wrong ever, all is your fault. And then, in a quiet voice, he said he would seek help for my benefit. And that he was clueless as to what it was, but he was aware he was doing something wrong. He even admitted my mum said some of the same things to him. (And then the next time he went right back to saying he was blameless and I to blame for all ). I'll see. Not expecting a thing. Perhaps he'll tell the psych bullshit and use their opinion to his advantage...he already did that before. I'll work on my part instead. He's welcome after something genuinely changed.

Just happy the professionals are starting to understand. And help. Finally. Hurray. And that my son is getting better. He started in a new school, does well, and found himself friends. We are carefully reconnecting, and I'm finding my balance. I have hope. And wish to share that.

[hhaw]

(((M))) I'm so happy to read your update!!!

You sound grounded and capable if getting back to grounded when you have a tough day or situation.

Feelings aren't YOU.  Let them come and go, remembering you'll have ups and downs on this journey.

Releasing your father, without animosity or expectations, sounds very productive.  He either dies his own work or he doesn't.  All you can do is your work.

Happy holidays to you and your son, my dear.

So glad to hear from you.

[Marianne]

Thanks!

I feel a lot more grounded. Not 100% healed, obviously. But not in denial, nor swung back and forth. And just..hopeful. 

I wanted to add my dad isn't a bad person, like a psychopath purposefully hurting people. I think he is a kind person in his core, but extremely frightened and rigid. Trying to grasp for control. And he has been taught stupid communication things in his childhood. I hope his help really helps him (and us). But in the meanwhile, I'm expecting nothing, and doing my own thing. For my kid and myself.

Thank you for your empathy. Happy holidays for you as well. 

[hhaw]

(((M))) I'm so happy to read your update!!!

You sound grounded and capable if getting back to grounded when you have a tough day or situation.

Feelings aren't YOU.  Let them come and go, remembering you'll have ups and downs on this journey.

Releasing your father, without animosity or expectations, sounds very productive.  He either dies his own work or he doesn't.  All you can do is your work.

Happy holidays to you and your son, my dear.

So glad to hear from you.

[Marianne]

I wanted to report back. A lot changed. I quit contact with my family, except for rational e-mail contact with dad around my son. When it is strictly needed. I stopped trying to change them. I stopped both the pleasing, the explanations and the anger...all made me a worse person, and drift away from my core personality. I stopped believing in their lies. I stopped trying to be good enough in their eyes. I will never be. And I never was.  Something clicked. I have been emotionally balanced since then. People tell me my eyes have peace in them now, for the first time.

I'm very busy working on my own life.
- I'm making the moments I have with kind as good as possible. Our connection is improving.
- I have built a professional team around me/us, who believe me more and more. I am finding words to tell what happened to us.
- I'm making my house and garden nice, so it's a better place. We are doing this together, kid and me.
- I'm busy with a job coach to see what job would really fit me.
- I'm rebuilding a social life. I was never capable of being myself...of expressing boundaries, likes and dislikes, feelings. There was no room for them at home. I didn't even know them myself. Now, I can be myself. With friends, neighbours, colleagues. I'm happy to have genuine connections. And building them up. My contacts outside of family are healthy. I'm assertive in a good way.
- I'm taking good care of myself. Physically and emotionally.
- My (healthy) widower ex and his daughter, whom I earlier broke up with for not being ready, asked to go on a city trip with them. I have to think things through real carefully. Also with kid in mind. We still see them regularly. I feel at peace with them...but tend towards giving my relationship to kid priority.

I have the feeling kid is doing better at this moment. Is getting stronger. And there is a genuine connection, though it is still much different than it could have been. I have to slowly regain his trust.

Dad is fighting back with covert passive-agressive stuff. Telling kid and brothers nasty things about me. "Accidently" planning practical appointments for kid during his time with me. Twisting things so, that it seems as if I am lying or crazy. Planning a holiday with kid without discussing it with me. I decided to ignore it, except for the holiday. 

CPS is...useless. They still haven't done anything at all. Not for me. Not for kid. Not for my dad. Emotional abuse is not exactly a priority. Even if it landed me in hospital, just as physical abuse could. I have a new conversation with them soon...and hope to convince them to act. Finally. My social worker will go with me. She is cool. She grew up in a similar family, and understands.

My social work team, my psychiatrist, my friends, are behind me in this. Professionals wanted my dad to go for an autism and personality disorder test. His answer: the psychologist says it is not needed. Because I do not experience a problem myself. His daugher collapsed in despair over his behaviour all the time, and couldn't be a mum to her child. His grandchild said he felt unsafe with him. And he doesn't register there is a problem. Seems like a pretty good reason for a test.

Oh well. I'm not going to convinve the rest of the world that dad has been lying. But I can build up my own life, for kid and me, as good as possible. Dad is welcome again, if he stops lying.