Is she NPD? Can she change?

[Free2Bme]

She will not leave.  PD's thrive on chaos no matter the damage it does to spouses and children.  On some level, this is going the way she wants it to go, it satisfies some unhealthy dynamic in her mind and she will be compelled to maintain the status quo (unless she seriously decides to seek help and do the work).  Don't get me wrong, I am sympathetic to your predicament as I have been there myself (I'm 5 years out now), it feels like a surreal hell.

I know that your mental and emotional bandwidth is probably narrow right now due to the stress of her behavior and all that goes with it.  However, I would encourage you to pull back the lens and imagine being in the SAME situation in 5 years, 10 years, 15.  The damage to you and children does not remain static, it becomes exponential.  Where do you see yourself, what do you want for your children.  I mean this in the kindest way, with no harshness or judgement, I would say this to a friend ans wish someone would have said it to me.

I am on the other end looking back, I see the effects on my 4 children.  I was part of the problem that led to this damage upon them because I permitted it, this is a tough burden to carry.  I wish someone would have told me to stop the wishful thinking.  It was my worst enemy.  Also, you cannot be the best parent that you are capable of being with this going on, and if the disordered person is unwilling/incapable of change, then you have to take action for your own sake and the children.  As the healthier parent, the children will look to you to provide the solution.  I am on the other end looking back and see the effects on my children.  This makes my recovery more challenging because I was part of the problem. 

If someone is serious about solving problems, there will be consistent change over time.  It would be good for you to journal things that you mention in your posts here (assuming you have privacy from your spouse) this will help you stay grounded.  Also, constructing a list of things that are non-negotiables will help you to be focused with emotions are high.  Hopefully you can find a T that will help you process this. 

~wishing you calm clarity

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies.

To ploughmethrough2021, my kids are between 10 and 13 and I have kind of stayed for their sake. But, I have realised it would be better for them if I left. If I could get joint custody then at least they have half the time without the chaos. I used to enable her behavior totally, fighting battles for her and try to be one step ahead of her to make sure there were no surprises. Not anymore, I have seen the light. I wish you the best of luck as well, how old are your children?

Free2Bme, I know you are right and that she never will change. But I still hope, that's my downfall. She is also suffering from an eating disorder (I have read alot of NPD's do) and blames alot on the eating. She came back home today having spoken to a doctor who said she needs therapy and anti depressants. She has had therapy before, she lasted 5 sessions and then stopped going, the therapist had told her she needed at least a year. The therapist had started digging in her childhood and pointed out her mother as a big problem, she agreed to this but still left. I doubt she will do anything this time either, she puts it all on me telling me its her fault for not supporting her enough. I have supported her and been her emotional crutch for so long I can't do it anymore. I am going to try to push her to start therapy, more for her and the kids than me as I think I am past it.

[ploughthrough2021]

My kids are now 15, 17 and 19.  Your 10 year old may not fully understand why you split so need to take care of that...

[escapingman]

Came home from an appointment this morning, had 3 missed calls from her. Called her and got a mouthful, she had gone to the gym and forgotten about my appointment and not taken her keys. I was shouted at for not picking up the phone (had left it on silent in my pocket), I was then shouted at for walking to the appointment as that took longer time and she couldn't get into the house and had to go to her mum for a spare key. Then coming home opening the door and first thing she says loudly "tosser", shouts some more at me and then storms upstairs.  And now during lunch, whilst complaining at how I eat my food, how the fish I fried yesterday stank in the entire house, told me how I should cook the fish instead, moaning about how one of our kids had behaved this morning, seriously asking my why I am so quiet and why I am ignoring her? If I wasn't such a nice guy I should/would have slapped her right over her face, her ignorance about her own behavior is out of this world. She can literally stand there screaming at me into my face and then 5 minutes later asking what's wrong and then when telling her get another mouthful for being to sensitive or getting it wrong or making it up or whatever. I am so done with this.

My youngest has been made the scapegoat by her and I am 100% sure she will understand and appreciate when I get out of this. If it is up to her I am pretty sure she will decide to live with me.

[ploughthrough2021]

At this point, my best advice to you is to not taking what she says seriously and quietly plane yourself a route out of this misery.  I have been on the same road and a person who behaves this way will never change.  Make your plans and keep on posting and reading. You are not alone with this problem.

[escapingman]

Her circling of mood and behavior is getting faster and faster and I am going crazy. One minute I wonder if I just made it all up in my head and that it's not that bad, or that it's me, but then she put her foot on a landmine and all hell breaks lose, if I intervene and end up in a row with her, or defends one of the kids, or ignore her or whatever then she quickly ends up in victim mood. Everybody hates her, she might as well die, no one would miss her, she cries, and so on. Then 5 minutes later she comes in and talks to me as if nothing had happened, 10 minutes later she walks on the next landmine and off we go. He phases used to last longer and the "normal" periods used to last for a few days at least, but now she can go through the complete cycle several times a day. It's driving me completely insane, to be the love of her life one minute, the next minute someone she would't even look at and the next being accused for being the bully. 

Why can't I just leave? Please leave.

 

[ploughthrough2021]

I hear you there.  I've been there.  I suggest that you inform yourself on grey rock and medium chill.  It has somewhat been helping me.  Stay strong and don't take it personally.  You are dealing with PD here.

[escapingman]

I am doing medium chill, but whilst doing it I am accused of bullying. Seriously, MC is bullying..... I have booked a couple of days away on my own starting tomorrow, so she thinks I need her. When she thinks I need her she plays up. If I don't do exactly as she says she will disappear so I can't go. In some way I just hope she follows up with her threat as I would not forgive her and that would be it, but I know she won't as she has nowhere else to go. But I need a couple of days of rest from her, she is at home all the time and never give me any space.

[escapingman]

She picked me up from my couple of days away, in a bad mood obviously as I was late due to the disembark being slow with a bus gate. On the way home a car didn't let her in and she started the rage screaming at us which car it was as she was going to chase it..... again.... kids screamed at her to stop. I hate when she has to take me or collect me anywhere as she always rage. Oh well, the peace of a couple of days away gone in a flash.

[escapingman]

Escapingman, this is from Escapingman 2 years on. She can't change and she did not change. BUT, you could change and you did change. You are now free. Life is amazing and you are now living it.

[LemonLime]

Oh Escapingman, I love this latest post from you!
Let it be inspiration to those who want to leave but are afraid.

[SaddleBagger]

This is good.