Square goes into the future

[square]

This is the moment. For years I've put things off for this moment. It is now at hand.

I'm starting a thread so I have a place to process this unknown future. Kid going to college in two days.

Contrary to my entire personality, I have no plans. Usually I have my ducks in a row or at least some thoughts. As a coping mechanism, I've learned to have no plans, silenced that part of my brain.

My life will change but I don't know how.

Those of you that have followed know I am restricted by a disability. After years of being trapped in my home, kid and I enjoyed some freedom when she got her license. I am introverted and look forward to some time to focus on my projects but still feel dread about being trapped again.

I want to work on a few things.

And then.

I want to leave.

I don't know if I can.

[Poison Ivy]

I will continue to read about you and your journey, square. I admire you for living with and moving forward in the uncertainty.

[notrightinthehead]

Thinking of you. I wish you courage and strength.

[square]

Kid and I just did a grocery shop so I have groceries.

It brought up some ugly emotions.

I anxiously bought too much. Because years ago, before kid could drive, it got to be pretty horrible getting food. Husband would sneer about how I was "constantly" "making" him shop - average around every 10 days. I was unable to drive when I met him so it's not like he didn't sign up for grocery shops. He used to be lovely about it, offered to run and get things whenever.

But then it turned into me being "selfish" and "demanding" because his wife and CHILD needed food three times a month.

I'm sure you're all wondering why he didn't need groceries. He doesn't eat with us anymore. He eats out of a vending machine and other junk food. So grocery shopping has indeed ceased to have anything to do with him.

So I am just feeling this dark gorge of feeling deep inside where I feel I must defend myself for needing food, and feeling anxious about running out. My kid will come home every two weeks and shop, but the feelings are there.

And I'm so fucking angry about it. I have dark feelings that I am not comfortable with, such as hoping that maybe someday he'll be in a nursing home and they'll tell him he's being ridiculous when he begs for food and they just give him some stale Saltines or something.

My kid is meurodivergent and those have trouble making do with random crap in a pantry. I am able to eat a random can of soup or just put butter on white rice and call it good if there's nothing else, but she is not really flexible like that.

And I don't mind being flexible to save money or reduce waste or anything else, but it feels criminal for a husband and father to tell his child and dusabled wife they are being ridiculous and demanding because they are asking for groceries.

I'm sorry I went on about that, it's just a bit of the poison I have. Let's see if squeezing some out helps. And maybe I can leave, I don't know.

I just know I don't want to stay. I don't want to!!!!!!!!!

[square]

Thank you guys, I really appreciate it 

[notrightinthehead]

Your emotions are justified. You are asking for something completely normal.

[Poison Ivy]

square, your post about the feelings is bringing up feelings in me, and I'll share some of them later. Suffice to say now that you are not alone!

[escapingman]

Square, you are amazing. You don't deserve this. I am not sure what else to say than maybe it's really time to go. I am not telling you too as that is against this forums rules, but there is a life after abuse and it is amazing.

[SeaBreeze]

I'm sorry the basic necessity of food has been used against you. In my experience, it's truly an abusive, controlling tactic. I know you will miss your DD being there full-time, but I suspect you're also glad she gets a break from the PD madness.

When my youngest DS went to college, leaving just stbx-uNPDh and I in the house, it was truly eye opening. I found I really had no reason to play nice anymore. It took another 2 years, but it set the final plans of my current exit in motion.

On a logistical note, is grocery delivery available in your area? There's also Amazon pantry staples. Just a suggestion on a way to take back some control over your basic needs. ❤️

[SonofThunder]

I will continue to read about you and your journey, square. I admire you for living with and moving forward in the uncertainty.

+1. Square my friend, I will have you in thought and prayer as you boldly turn unknowns to knowns.  Love that adventurous spirit!

SoT

[square]

Thank you, everyone, for your support. It's odd that I would need validation on the grocery thing but cognitive dissonance hits me really hard, at least when it comes to my husband.

SeaBreeze, interesting you had that experience as a fledgling empty nester.

I'll keep delivery in my back pocket but last I checked we did not have that, only pickup orders. (We live in the sticks, relatively speaking). But maybe delivery has been added in the last year or two. It'll be much easier for me to deal with food alone, as I can manage on random pantry crap. And in fact I believe my husband will make more of an effort to avoid being nasty about it now, but the ugliness is still unhealed and frankly I'm not sure how much it matters if he bites his tongue and still feels the way he does.

In some ways, that's fine with me. If feeling angry that his wife asked for milk is more important than his marriage, fine. Makes my decision easier. Though not the logistics, unfortunately.

Am dreading tomorrow, as he blows up under stress and this will be stressful for him. He has a very hard time driving in unfamiliar places, there is a time window that will be quite rushed, and other factors. He WILL get angry, and he WILL blame me. Though he has only contributed one thing to all the college stuff, and I do appreciate it, but he will not appreciate the tremendous work, planning, logistics, emotional labor, and everything else I've done. He will just yell at me because of something I had zero control over, and he'll be at least unpleasant if not actively explosive on a day our anxious child needs calm and support. UGH.

Hopefully the blowup will be relatively minor, but it'll still be yet another thing I'll need to swallow with a smile and just take yet another hit on so my husband doesn't blow up even more ridiculously or my kid have to deal with more than she already does. My husband has no idea how weak he is or how strong I am.

[bloomie]

You show how strong you are every post here on Out of the FOG, Square. WE see you and are with you in spirit as you navigate the bittersweet launching of your precious child AND the ever hovering potential for ugliness from your H.

My hope is that you will find your way to freedom and peace and in the meantime, a kind neighbor or friend who would be happy to drive you to the market and share time with such a lovely soul as yourself!

[Poison Ivy]

If it's any consolation, you and your spouse and your child will not be the only ones having the "parents and children doing and saying ill-considered things during college move-in" experience. I'll merely say that although I consider myself to be the "better" parent generally, many "shushes" and glares came my way during on-campus activities, especially from my younger child.

[square]

Bloomie, thank you.

PI, lol.

[SonofThunder]

My husband has no idea how weak he is or how strong I am.

+1

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

Square, your daughter's starting college is a big deal. It's an achievement for her and you and also a huge step for parents and children generally. I hope that you have space, physical, mental, and emotional, to process all the feelings and thoughts that can accompany this transition. (I cried a lot when I was alone in the car in the months before and after my children started college: happy-sad tears at their finest.) My ex was proud of our children, but he didn't seem to feel much about their departures. That wasn't a surprise, but nevertheless it was disappointing to witness again how closed off or even absent his emotions are.

[square]

PI, thanks for sharing.

My H has kind of disconnected from the world and doesn't seem to feel much. He used to feel very strongly connected to her, and was interested in all the details. For example, he was interested in the details of her swim lessons and playdate interactions and so on.

When my father developed dementia, his world got small. He was in his own world. It feels similar with my husband, just lost in his own world. Could be schizophrenia. It really hurts relationships and feels sad. With my dad, he had a dog he loved like crazy. Then the dementia hit and when the dog died my dad didn't care. It hurt even though it wasn't his fault - I know my dad lovedthe dog but his brain stopped working.

Well, anyway.

[square]

Happy to report that I reverse-jinxed the day by predicting disaster. H held it together. More than happy to eat my words. Will give him credit where credit is due, because his top stressors did happen, like being late and getting lost. We took two cars, everyone can guess which one I was in. Right, not H's! So he was surely cursing me while lost but I didn't have to deal with it, and he managed to white knuckle his way through the day without exploding.

When we left, he started down a path of blaming etc but I was Queen MC. He then accused me of "overreacting" and I said in the same totally chill bland voice "you think I'm overreacting?" He paused and then started blaming traffic lol. Instead of feeling weakened for just taking his crap, I felt like he was weak, just a toddler who couldn't control his emotions, and I was an actual adult. I don't feel comfortable withfeeling superior, I believe it's a foundational sin (pride). But this does help me get out of the cycle of feelings that drag me down. I don't have to take him seriously, and I don't have to feel debased. 

[bloomie]

What a great update!

When we left, he started down a path of blaming etc but I was Queen MC. He then accused me of "overreacting" and I said in the same totally chill bland voice "you think I'm overreacting?" He paused and then started blaming traffic lol. Instead of feeling weakened for just taking his crap, I felt like he was weak, just a toddler who couldn't control his emotions, and I was an actual adult. I don't feel comfortable withfeeling superior, I believe it's a foundational sin (pride). But this does help me get out of the cycle of feelings that drag me down. I don't have to take him seriously, and I don't have to feel debased. 

This is a powerful new beginning for you. Cheering you on from this side of the screen!

[Cat of the Canals]

When we left, he started down a path of blaming etc but I was Queen MC. He then accused me of "overreacting" and I said in the same totally chill bland voice "you think I'm overreacting?"

God tier MC response. I love it.