Why do narcissists stalk their family members on social media?

[Stardust1982]

Hi guys. I'm in a bit of distress now 'cause I just realised my Narc mother is following me on facebook. (I have my business on facebook so I don't want any trace of her in my sacred space there).

She was blocked several times so how does she even manage to follow me? My brother was also following me. I told both of them that I don't keep family on social media but they just didn't care. Anyway, what would be the explanation for this?

If I would be told by someone that they don't want to keep in touch with me on facebook I'd understand and would actually not even ask them again. So how come narcissists stalk their family members EVEN after they were blocked by them or shunned? This seems to me like they are masochists who love to be rejected and ignored.

[Writingthepain]

I think it's about control, my npd mom was hacking into my email account for years. The only social media account I have her connected to is one that the rest of the family can connect to.  All others she has no idea about. Shes tried to insist on several occasions to demand access to my Amazon prime account, was furious when I refused. I keep everything behind multiple passwords now.

[JustKat]

It's about control and having power over you by getting their hands on information that wasn't intended for them. Knowledge is power. My Nmother used to use private things that she knew about me (like a birthmark no one else knew about) to publicly embarrass me.

My Nmother never made it onto social media before she died, but I know she used to Google me all the time and managed to find my address through online searches after I went NC. I'm sure my GC sister stalks me now so I've blocked her on FB along with the obvious troll accounts she's created. I've also blocked a cousin who has been used as a flying monkey.

With my own Nmother, if I tried to keep anything hidden from her she'd double down and try even harder to get the information, so when it comes to social media, I would guess that blocking them makes them even more determined. Narcissists are like spoiled little children. If you tell them they can't have any candy it just makes them want it more, and they'll do anything to get it.

[SparkStillLit]

My mother does this. She stalks everyone on FB.  She thinks she has information others do not, and then she likes to lord the information over people (like me) and gossip to others.
Today she bugged me about what I thought of dd's bf, and what was his family like, did he not have a mother, because she had used dd to bounce off and stalk HIM on fb. I shut that shit right down. She knows I don't have fb, and she's always acting like she has info about dd that I don't have. She ADMITS to stalking people on fb. "That's what I do".
I loathe fb, I loathe this behavior of hers, and I'm forever shutting it down.
Tonight I was all primed to shut her down again at Christmas Eve dinner, but she did something even worse. She started nattering ON and ON about the family of dd's dear friend who was killed. The one where dd did not deal well with the grief.
At first I didn't know what she was doing. She had dd kind of cornered. Suddenly I heard a snip and I saw dd growing more and more silent and still. I started going MOM! MOM! HEY! THAT'S ENOUGH! from the kitchen, as tears filled dd's eyes. Suddenly dd leapt from the table and flew to her room.
My mother acted as though nothing odd had just transpired.
I am left to think......could ANYONE do such a thing on purpose.....?????
We held and comforted dd. She seemed to get ok after. I hope she really is.

[blues_cruise]

It's control and self preservation of their false image I think. I also think they get a kick out of the social discomfort they believe it causes. By following you on Facebook they can claim that they're simply trying to reach out to you or show an interest in your life, which makes them appear authentic to those who aren't aware of the reality of the manipulation behind it. They also force you into the action of blocking them and I think they love the idea that they've overstepped a boundary and caused irritation. It seems to be the 'Machiavellianism' behavioural aspect of the Dark Triad.

An example, when I started to make boundaries with my father he decided to give me the silent treatment for three months. Towards the end of that three months, the day before my birthday he made a Facebook account and started recruiting other family members on it, then added me. This then made me feel confusion and misplaced shame on my birthday, because we hadn't been speaking and he'd essentially tried to barge his way into one of my safe places. Prior to this he had shown absolutely zero interest in social media and it was a blatant way of trying to make me feel uncomfortable on my birthday. Once I went no contact I just put it on lockdown, deleted and blocked him.

All you can do is keep blocking. I don't trust Facebook not to make security changes that might make me vulnerable to stalking so I check that the settings are still in place regularly. Ideally I'd just delete the thing but it's a handy way to get hold of a few people if I ever needed to.

[Stardust1982]

@blues_cruise Good idea to check Facebook's privacy checkings regularly, i'd expect the block to remain block (then what is the point to call it a block?)

[JustKat]

I should add that once you've blocked them, mark posts on your personal page for friends only and don't accept any friend requests from people you don't know. My GC sister has three fake accounts that I've found. They were obvious to me because she's not very good at it and used names that I recognized, but someone who's more clever could easily create a convincingly real troll account.

A narcissist that's been shunned won't roll over and surrender. They fight back harder. They'll want to know what's on your page and what they're missing out on. Follow your instincts. If a friend request seems suspicious, ignore or delete it.

[spha6092]

sorry to come into this thread, but I was wondering what to do about my narcissistic MiL in relation to FB, if anyone had any advice.

I had already unfollowed and put her on my acquaintance list so she doesn't see a lot of my feed. I hadn't removed her as we are still early in the NC process. but i got an email from her claiming she had accidentally deleted me off her FB because of her fat fingers which is why she was going to send me a friend request lol. it hasn't come through yet.

anyway, i checked FB and not only did she delete me but she somehow blocked me as well. she's so technologically incompetent though i'm amazed she managed to do this somehow, but i'll be even more surprised if she manages to work out how to unblock me. she'll probably ask someone for help but when that friend request comes through i'd like to ignore it.

my question is, i'm tempted to respond to her email in a few days and say something like - given what's happened between us recently, I believed it's better if we are not connected on Facebook. I had already said I had wanted space and she had agreed (because she pretends she's reasonable) that space for both of us was good. I could also quote that line back at her too.

I'm afraid that if I just ignore her email and ignore her friend request, it'll just give her more ammo later. I wouldn't mind at least continuing to stand up for myself! or i can otherwise just add her again without comment but put her on a really restricted setting?

[SunnyMeadow]

My uNPDmother pulls the old "my fat fingers" too! Such a load of baloney. I like your idea to tell your MIL that you feel it's better that you aren't connected on FB, spha6092. I say continue to stand up for yourself! 

I completely deleted Fb and am so glad I'm not on it anymore. It was like a weight was lifted off me. My mother used to cause drama over posts, that I didn't like her posts, that I didn't comment on her or her friend's posts. Mind boggling. I'm glad to read your MIL deleted and blocked you! They are truly ridiculous. Getting rid of that connection with my mother was so freeing for me.

[Iguanagos]

I never got on social media, in part because one sibling (N/B M's mini-me) outright said specifically that sibling "stalks" other family members that way.  Like, I think that word was specifically used! 

Why?  I don't know, but my guess is that, like JustKathy said, knowledge is power and any knowledge is viewed as ammo that may be able to be deployed at a later date.  If someone is LC or NC with a PD, stalking may be the only way they can get any information.

I also think that PDs are actually pretty empty inside.  They don't "do" real relationships, so they use FB and other SM sites as substitutes for actual, face-to-face interactions.  They can claim to know what's going on with someone because of what they read online, and to a casual observer it may work.  It gives the illusion of relationships and covers up the stink of NC, so people outside the family think everything is fine.

From a personal standpoint, although there's a lot of good things that can be done with SM, it seems to attract narcissists and I don't need any more of them in my life.  I prefer to guard my privacy and be selective about who gets into my closest "ring".  I'd rather have a few good actual friends than a zillion FB "friends".

[SparkStillLit]

This. This is exactly why:
Nmum left me a vm last evening with fairly concerning contents regarding DD, who was in flight cross country. In mum's message, she clearly stated DD had "left a message". I didn't have the strength just then, so I sent a text, "she's fine, she's at [large airport] awaiting her last leg of trip."
Some time went by, and we had had light contact with DD all the way, and there was NOTHING concerning in it, and I just couldn't imagine why she'd leave her grandmother such a message, or call her at all, and it really was upsetting, complete with hemming and pregnant pausing and trailing off and drama sighing, SO I fell in the trap.
I called. "When did she leave this message?" I said.
"Oh this morning." says nmum.
"Well she was at [well known smaller airport] then!" I said. "We had a joke about restroom use!"
"Well..." she says "...it was actually a FB post, let me read it to you."
She does so, and I immediately said, "She was teasing!"
She said "Well I posted this, and Aunt [ ] posted that, and she (DD) said 'You guys have to stop taking me so SERIOUSLY!' ".
I said, "See?"
All that was generated by nmum ENTIRELY FOR DRAMA and for doing her "I know something you don't know" that she does ALL THE TIME off DD's FB.
It had already been resolved immediately as a tease, but she hoarded it all up until EVENING to upset me with.

[spha6092]

My uNPDmother pulls the old "my fat fingers" too! Such a load of baloney. I like your idea to tell your MIL that you feel it's better that you aren't connected on FB, spha6092. I say continue to stand up for yourself! 

I completely deleted Fb and am so glad I'm not on it anymore. It was like a weight was lifted off me. My mother used to cause drama over posts, that I didn't like her posts, that I didn't comment on her or her friend's posts. Mind boggling. I'm glad to read your MIL deleted and blocked you! They are truly ridiculous. Getting rid of that connection with my mother was so freeing for me.

Thanks for your thoughts SunnyMeadow, the fat fingers thing really is such baloney It's been a couple of days since that email and I was going to reply today. But once I started writing my response it just made me angry thinking about her behaviour in general.

So I've decided I'll just continue to leave it, especially as she still hasn't worked out how to unblock me anyway haha. If she ever brings this up down the track, I can say that I was waiting for her friend request to come through before responding. If it does come through, then I'll politely reject it and write something then. I have to keep reminding myself that the best way to engage is to disengage!