Do I try to explain?

[qwezrty]

Hi everyone,

I have had a very difficult relationship with my uNBPDm and it has resulted in me having very small amounts of contact over the past year. Everytime I think it may be different (and part of me always hopes it will be), it doesn't take long for it to go back to being unbearable. I miss her a lot and she is my only family (she isolated us from everyone when I was too young to see what was going on, now everyone has left or has passed away). I was extremely close to her and so this separation really huts...but her being in my life was extremely painful too.

I have lots of physical health difficulties and C-PTSD, and stress is no good for these health conditions! Recently mother has said she misses me and said that I'm the only one that  can change things between us because she has no problems with me. She wants me to tell her what my concerns are with her etc. I just don't know if this is a good idea. How would I even explain?

I don't know if anyone can relate but I find it impossible sometimes to explain how things were. I feel pathetic when I explain sometimes the things she has said or done because it sounds like nothing but all the things combined and the way she says things or does things. Does that make sense?

I just don't know if it would help for me to try to write and explain. I partly know that she would dismiss or minimalise anything I say. There's a reason for everything and as she's said before that maybe I need to look at myself and it's my problem etc. I ask myself what I would want from this even if I did write a letter), I guess I would want her to listen and acknowledge the pain. Ultimately for her to change her ways but part of me thinks this is unrealistic and will never happen.

I think I struggle with the loss of her. She isn't all bad by any means and I have good memories but a lot of horrid ones. It's like the stereotype of a physical abuser beating someone up and then cooking a lovely meal and being kind for a week or two for it to go back to punching again. I can't let go though. I'm so isolated and that doesn't help but it's hard making friends. I just don't know what to do.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts

[_apparentlywicked]

Oh honey your confusion and pain is palpable. So it sounds like she has recognised your need to detach periodically. When did you last voice sadness about her behaviour of ever. Have you ever had to tell her something difficult to hear and how did she react?

Was she all about the emotional pain when you were a child? Is that how she controlled you by trying to make you feel you were bad?

In your position I'd give yourself plenty of time to think about this.  You may need to post more here to help you think about what you might say if you did want to address her abuse with her.  I can understand how difficult it is to explain it to yourself let alone the person who caused the pain. It's about you now and you get to decide what will and won't happen.

❤️❤️

[Sweetbriar]

Hi qwezrty,

I have read your post and it makes a lot of sense to me. These things can be like a thousand paper cuts and when you try to explain them to people, you give a few examples and it doesn't seem to get through to them. And then we ourselves feel confused about why being around a person is unbearable. If it's unbearable, that's all you need to believe.

What I found though, and I did this last week, was I wrote a letter, as if to someone i wanted to explain my life to. I am keeping the letter for me alone, but I revisit it. It really really helped me feel certain that what I went and still go through with my FOO was and is disordered and therefore harmful. Maybe you can write a letter but just keep it for you? It might help.

[wisingup]

" I partly know that she would dismiss or minimalise anything I say. "

This is your problem with her in a nutshell.  When you express your feelings and experience and are told that they are wrong, well where can you go from there?   

This is kind of where I am at as well with my uBPDm.  I've decided that we stay at vvvvvlc until such time (which will never happen most likely) that she reaches out to say that she understands my point of view, or at least will genuinely try to. 

This is so painful to go through - I'm sorry!

[Maxtrem]

She wants me to tell her what my concerns are with her etc. I just don't know if this is a good idea. How would I even explain?

Most people with a personality disorder are unable to question themselves or feel remorse because they don't think they are doing anything wrong! Explaining to your mother how you feel may not do any good, since she will probably think that she hasn't done anything wrong with you. For me, the most frustrating part is when my mother starts projection! 

You don't seem ready to be 100% NC, maybe you should talk to a competent psychologist, he or she can guide you on the best options to follow!

[MyLifeToo]

Qwezrty, I could have written this!  I'd love to be able to explain to M how the things she says and the way she says them are manipulating, constitute abuse and cause bad feeling. My most recent crime was that I didn't phone her one evening, even though we had already talked twice that day. She accused me, I jaded and gave her all the ammunition she needed to be DEEPLY HURT.

This week I did try to explain. I know M is extremely anxious and the current virus situation has escalated it. I am also anxious and on a shorter fuse than normal. As ever, the worse she feels, the worse she behaves towards me, everything she says feels like it's designed to hurt me. I confronted her, she denied everything. I brought up things she had said, to illustrate my point and she calls me cruel, a liar, and she doesn't care if she never sees me again. (That is an hour long phone call in a nutshell!) She wants to die. I tried to get her to accept that while I know I'm not perfect, she also needs to take some responsibility.

Let me advise you, don't try to explain! It only made things worse. There is no way on earth that she will EVER see that she has done anything but be kind, generous, loving and everyone throws it back in her face. Nobody cares, nobody loves her etc etc

I'm so conflicted. I know she's not well, and when I have self isolated for 14 days I was going to go to visit and see what I could do to help. She's told me not to, she doesn't want to see me. Maybe I should accept it and move on with my life. It hurts.