Thank you for guiding me Out of the FOG

Started by Rize, January 25, 2019, 07:57:08 AM

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Rize

January 25, 2019, 07:57:08 AM
I posted earlier this week asking you all for help in regards of breaking free from a very overbearing mother.
Well
I'VE DONE IT! or started to at least. Today is the first day I've set a boundary with her, and I've told her I will not tolerate any more of this. 
Didn't go well (for her),and I'm not naive enough to think its going to be rainbows and sunshine from now on, but it's a start, right?

I know I've hardly posted on here, and not sure how sincere this is going to come across as, but I want to thank everyone for the advice so far, it has helped enormously. I've received more compassion and understanding from you all then I ever have from most people in my 'real life'.

I'm going off to look for self-help/self-care stuff now!

Starboard Song

#1
January 25, 2019, 08:45:50 AM Last Edit: February 03, 2019, 09:01:03 AM by Starboard Song
Quote from: Rize on January 25, 2019, 07:57:08 AM
I'm not naive enough to think its going to be rainbows and sunshine from now on, but it's a start, right?

It is a start, and that is so important. I am proud of you. And you know this isn't going to be rainbows and sunshine: even better.

The top line my signature are the books my wife and I found most helpful, all targeted to self-care. Radical Acceptance is chief of them all for my wife, though it doesn't speak to me. The second line are the books we found most helpful in the blocking and tackling part: just understanding the dynamics of BPD, and tactics for managing relationships or healing.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

coyote

#2
January 25, 2019, 09:53:55 AM
Rize I'm glad for you to have come so far in such a short time. Sometimes all we need is a quick shot in the arm to get going. I would suggest keep reading through the Toolbox. There is a lot of good info there on self care. You will also find tips from others on the boards.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed and you haven't been. -Marcus Aurelius

BettyGray

#3
January 25, 2019, 10:21:55 AM Last Edit: January 25, 2019, 10:24:45 AM by Liz1018
Wonderful to hear and good for you! We all have to start somewhere. Pat yourself on the back. No matter where you end up on your journey, you have kicked down the door and opened up a a whole new world for yourself.

Most of us here have felt a sense of powerlessness our whole lives. Afraid of confrontation, afraid of their rage. Once you take the first and hardest step, you feel an amazing surge of power. Unfamiliar, but a rush nonetheless. Finally, it is YOU throwing THEM off balance, not the other way around. You feel confident, not small. YOU now have control, and that scares them to death. And you want more.

Since I have been on these forums (3 years NC with my toxic ”family”), I have gained so much wisdom and confidence which has applied to my everyday life. I no longer let clients take advantage of me (always the people pleasers, we in the FOG). I confronted my boundary-smashing MIL after 20+ years when she tried to intimidate and manipulate me. I was amazing in that moment!! I even surprised my husband who was there for the whole thing. He was sort of gobsmacked and told me he has never seen that side of me. Woohoo!!!

It was actually kind of fun. I wasn't cruel, just matter of fact. I defended myself and my husband (he rarely confronts her).  I was calm and rational.

In fact, she felt so bad about what she did that she love-bombed us with gifts for 2 weeks.
Things have been different ever since. I told her I would continue to be honest with her, whether she liked it or not. I look forward to  the next time.

We know you are sincere. Makes no difference whether you post frequently or not. You are safe with us and have joined the ranks of the strong and resilient.

RavenLady

#4
January 29, 2019, 09:45:15 PM
 :applause: Yay! Congratulations on your new adventure. Anything is possible now.

It is really fascinating to watch how our PD parents respond to our own personal growth. I have definitely seen mine back off as they realize I'm less and less easy to manipulate. It's very valuable not to see yourself as narcissistic prey, and not to carry yourself as prey, and to refuse any and all efforts to stuff you back into the prey role. (Prey is a strong word but sometimes it fits.) It's hard to learn how to straighten our spines, and we must be kind with ourselves over the fact it can be hard and take a long time with many setbacks, but the pay off is that surge in aliveness that you have already noticed. Chase that feeling where it leads! Stretch your wings and fly!
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

WomanInterrupted

#5
January 30, 2019, 12:05:36 AM
I'm so proud of you!  Congratulations!   :yahoo:

You've just gotten through the *worst* part of Coming Out of the FOG - establishing your first boundary.   :righton:

I'll tell you, that was a rough one, for me!  I alternated between waves of exhilaration and anxiety, because I'd just said, "No" to unBPD Didi for the very first time.

But that soon turned to anger because she kept calling me, to try to get me to change my mind.   :stars: :roll:

I started ignoring the phone.  Problem solved.  (We had a land-line at that time, with an answering machine, and she never left messages, because she thought I should just know it was her, somehow.)

Boundaries start to get easier, the more you express or DO them.   :yes:

But if you're good and angry because the other person won't stop pushing and is acting like a toddler, it gets REALLY easy!   :evil2:

I'm so glad you're on the road to taking back your life!

:hug:

newlife33

#6
January 31, 2019, 01:39:36 PM
Quote from: WomanInterrupted on January 30, 2019, 12:05:36 AM
I'm so proud of you!  Congratulations!   :yahoo:

You've just gotten through the *worst* part of Coming Out of the FOG - establishing your first boundary.   :righton:

I'll tell you, that was a rough one, for me!  I alternated between waves of exhilaration and anxiety, because I'd just said, "No" to unBPD Didi for the very first time.

But that soon turned to anger because she kept calling me, to try to get me to change my mind.   :stars: :roll:

I started ignoring the phone.  Problem solved.  (We had a land-line at that time, with an answering machine, and she never left messages, because she thought I should just know it was her, somehow.)

Boundaries start to get easier, the more you express or DO them.   :yes:

But if you're good and angry because the other person won't stop pushing and is acting like a toddler, it gets REALLY easy!   :evil2:

I'm so glad you're on the road to taking back your life!

:hug:

Tremendous advice, really well written!  Especially the part about the waves of excitement and anxiety.  I'm over 2 years NC and those waves are still crashing a bit, more like gentle ripples but still hitting every now and then.
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