She's burning everyone out

[feralcat]

Hi. I don't think that there are any answers. I just need to offload.

UnPdM , since damaging her back, is home with 3x daily carers. She won't do the physio , so her back doesn't really improve. She's already a hypochondriac. Shes  already complaining about some of the carers ( who are lovely), she won't leave the house, she's soooo hard done by. Nobody visits her...they do, and her removing all chairs apart from her recliner probably doesn't help.
Ps she is nearly 90. I think one of the issues is that she's generally enjoyed good health. Tbh I , at 67, appear to have more health concerns than she has had till recently. Life's a b @@@h sometimes. But that's the way it is. I'm ok with that.

My present issue is that her neediness and total self focus have resulted in her driving her children apart. She's thrown money at one until that person threw in the towel ( by which time most see her as , tbh , pretty financially abusive. She wouldn't agree of course). The Sis with POA has genuine family problems so can't / won't jump to her demands promptly ( unPdM sees this as selfish). Another sibling has good reasons to stay away. Another lives on the other side of the world !

And there's me. I'm trying to remain VLC . I'm probably the one who's suffered the most abuse ( cue faux apology followed by wailings of why it wasn't her fault . She had it worse etc etc. Puke. I shut that down in the end. Unbelievable). I was hoping she'd not be around long enough for my by now dysfunctional enmeshed family to totally fragment , and for me to manage till then by using the MC and GR techniques. Ps I am also probably the one who's worked hard on myself enough to have the most healthy degree of separation. Particularly as unPdM to date has virtually ignored me ...and I'm immune to the financial 'rewards'. Which she hates.

But I'm beginning to recently lose hope. Feeling  more and more apathetic . Depression ? I even feel like I'm trying to disassociate , even though I live hundreds of miles away. Not good for my marriage.
As other siblings stay away, she's now trying to get to me. Via the phone. Waifing and complaining. It's an eternal dance of Blame and Shame. She's like a small child.
Leave me alone ! It's not fair. She's never, but never supported me.

I'm beginning to think about blocking her. But then I don't know whether that would make me feel worse.

[moglow]

Feralcat, would it help if you mute her calls or maybe have them go straight to voicemail? Then you call back when you're ready rather than answering and being seen as on call 24/7. Or call her0 when you actually have something to say or share, then end the call when her complaints kick in. Even set you once a week or so that you'd be willing to call (with a time limit!) so you can check that box and continue on. 

Mine had a way of knowing when she'd burned people down and needed to move on to someone else. She'd ignore it of course, but I then had to learn to cut it off, either be positive or be gone. Then when I quit calling I realized she didn't call either. I was a means to an end, not someone she actually wanted a relationship with. That was hard for me to swallow for a while, but now I'm finding peace with it. We never really had that and I'd refused to see it all that time - now I can't unsee it. 

Just my $.02 from the edge today 😀

[Cat of the Canals]

Even set you once a week or so that you'd be willing to call (with a time limit!) so you can check that box and continue on.

I second this suggestion. The best way to get them to stop running to you is to stop making yourself available at their convenience. If she thinks/knows you'll pick up when she calls, she's going to keep doing it. Time to get "so busy" that you let her calls go to VM and pick a day (and a time limit like mo suggested!) to call her back.

It doesn't sound like you're close enough to be useful in an emergency scenario, so there's literally no reason you need to be at her immediate beck and call.

[Sneezy]

The best way to get them to stop running to you is to stop making yourself available at their convenience.

Block your mom's calls so they go straight to voicemail.  Once a day, when you are in a good place mentally, check your blocked messages.  If there is something extremely important that you can actually assist with, go ahead (if you want to) and do what you can.  But given that you live so far away, this is unlikely.  Set a boundary that works for you - maybe one call a week or two or whatever you feel best about. 

And yes, you will feel guilty about blocking your mom.  That's how she programmed you.  It is so hard to ignore desperate-sounding phone calls from anyone, especially your mother.  I still struggle with it (and I often have my mom blocked, just so I can do my job and live my life).  The guilt of not answering your mother's phone calls is almost overpowering.  But push through that guilt if you can.  Let it go.  The guilt will lessen over time and you will feel better if you don't have constant phone contact with her.  Distract yourself as best you can with work, exercise, TV, a good book, a puzzle, anything to keep your mind off of her phone calls and messages.