Tired

[verum71]

I've shared a post about my concerns with my 14y/o daughter and seeming to be distant - especially when her BPDx mother is around.  My significant other and I went to a banquet that was recognizing a team my daughter was on.  We stayed for the whole program - when it was over, we walked over to congratulate her and she didn't really say anything and had a look on he face like she wanted to quickly move on.  Of course she was  standing next to my BPDx and her husband when we approached her.  I'm really at wits end with all of this and I want to say something to her about it - not even really sure what that will look or sound like. Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated.

[Associate of Daniel]

I've found with my ds over the years that just saying something like "I notice you seem a little uncomfortable talking to me when your mum's there. Do I have that right? Can you tell me why?" seems to (kind of) work.

He would often just shrug his shoulders and refuse the conversation. Probably because he didn't understand what he was feeling or he didn't want to upset me. But it showed him that I was aware of his discomfort and wanted to ease it.

If he was in the mood, we'd discuss ways to ease the situation in the future.

As he's become older (now 15) he's more open to discussing things.

In the past we've arranged that I would only go to every 2nd game or to have a special silent signal between us (a thumbs up or something).

I suspect boys with their mums are different from girls with their dads though!

In my case, I knew that my uNPD exH and his uNPD wife were putting a lot of pressure on him, trying to alienate me.  He was just trying to keep the peace with them.

Does your dd get along with your partner? And with your ex's partner?

I haven't formed any new relationship so I've not had to deal with it on my side.

AOD

[verum71]

Thanks for the feedback!  She does get along with my significant other and my ex's husband.  I like the idea of a nonverbal cue between us (I'm a teacher and i use this one with kids at school from time to time).  That sounds like a good way to open the conversation, stating that "it looks like you're a little uncomfortable talking to me when your mom's there".