When last we spoke ...

[moglow]

Where we left off: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=90170.0
***

I had a birthday recently. Not that there was a good way for her to handle it as we're at an impasse here with all her rug sweeping, but md sent a HBD and "hope you have a good day" text morning of. I responded and thanked her, said I hope she has a good day also. Today I get a text asking if I got her message on my birthday. Yes, and I responded then too. I suggested that since she doesn't appear to get my responses, it would be best to call rather than text [no, I don't want to talk to her either but then I don't get the incessant did you get my message texts, so there's that]. No response. I call and leave a message on her voicemail. Silence. She texts again asking if I got her texts and she doesn't understand why this is happening with my phone. Dear Lord Baby Jesus, give me strength.

So I call - she launches into she doesn't know what's wrong with my phone and I'm the only one she doesn't get texts from and she's not up to going to having her phone checked on but the girl at the store said maybe she bumped a setting and changed something that blocks messages and and and.... Mother. It's been a couple of years now. Surely in all that time you could have had it checked on, since it's such an issue. WRONG. I don't know what she's going through and she's not having a good day and she asked my brother to fill her car with gas when he gets a chance [wha???]. Again- If it's this big an issue I would think you have two options remaining - either take the trouble and time to get it straightened out or don't text. Period. Whining about it on rotation isn't doing anyone any good. Two options. Pick one. It's been two years of this, enough already. She plays meek "oh. I guess I won't text you anymore then." Good. That should work. I hope you have a good day.

But passive aggressive mo wants to call back so badly: YES, since you ASKED, I did enjoy my birthday and I'm having belated dinner with friends this evening. Since you ASKED and showed so much concern [not]. Why does she bother? Why do I???

[SunnyMeadow]

Maybe she blocked your texts at some point. ::sigh:: It's never easy with them, is it? But wow this woman sure wants phone calls.

[moglow]

I think she did, may legit have no clue how she did it -who among us hasnt done something like that - but no desire to fix it either. This way she always has a complaint on standby.

And those phone calls? They say nothing. Not one smidge of interest in me or my life, she says what she says, gets whatever shes seeking and she's done until next time. Fillers really. And she used to ask why we have no relationship, what went wrong. What went RIGHT? She honestly thinks the way she talks to me/people is okay?

I just know it's not been a stellar day and I was better when she wasn't in contact. That small sad child inside me just wants her to go and stay away.

[Andeza]

Moglow, is there a chance she ignores your reply texts to make you call her? Fakes not getting them, just like a child, to get what she wants? I tell my son don't touch something and he ignores me and touches it... why? To get attention.

[moglow]

I used that analogy earlier, Andeza, she's like a mean little kid doing anything for attention. Any attention is better than none. It's pathetic. Honestly though  I don't know that she has the strength of character to not respond at this point. I've poked and prodded back pretty hard a few times, and nothing.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Why bother texting back since you know they won't be received? Or "received." Either one, doesn't really matter. When she asks, did you get my text... you said you wouldn't be texting anymore, mom. I'd block her. She's abusing that avenue of communication. You're right, complaining about it on rotation is stupid and you can step right off that merry-go-round.

[moglow]

I'm mostly disappointed in myself. I didn't want to take a step back to the edge of the abyss but here I am. I'm disappointed that I really was okay with not talking to or hearing from her and I opened that door myself. A tester of sorts.

I should have realized that one call means all is well in her mind. Time had passed and she had stuff to say. Not to *me* necessarily but I've always been a good target. But we could revert to our assigned roles - in her mind.

I want it on my terms and apparently I still don't know what those are! I don't like this agitation,  this sinking depressed feeling with all the ruminating and unspoken conversations. I also know that actual conversations with her are painful and useless. They just keep this ugliness I feel stirred up.

[blacksheep7]

A text from a parent to a child to wish happy bday is soooooooo impersonal.   She texts again to make sure you received it instead of calling you in the first place.  This back and forth is just feeding her, never mind the intention here.

My covert M doesn't have a cell phone, only a landline soshe asks gc bro to text her gchildren on bdays with the mention of her name.    

[Sneezy]

I'm mostly disappointed in myself. I didn't want to take a step back to the edge of the abyss but here I am. I'm disappointed that I really was okay with not talking to or hearing from her and I opened that door myself. A tester of sorts.

I should have realized that one call means all is well in her mind. Time had passed and she had stuff to say. Not to *me* necessarily but I've always been a good target. But we could revert to our assigned roles - in her mind.

I want it on my terms and apparently I still don't know what those are! I don't like this agitation,  this sinking depressed feeling with all the ruminating and unspoken conversations. I also know that actual conversations with her are painful and useless. They just keep this ugliness I feel stirred up.

I feel this. I could have written this, word for word, about my mom and me.  I don't want to talk to my mom.  But then when I don't hear from her in a while I get so anxious.  I feel like I have to call.  And then the conversation is painful.  You say that you want things on your terms and yet you don't know what those terms are.  I think this is because you are playing a part in your mom's dramatic play, but no one gave you a script.  So you have a vague idea of what your role is, but not enough specifics.  So the director (i.e. your mom, who is also the writer, the star, and the producer of this drama) just keeps telling you that you're playing your part wrong.

[Starboard Song]

Why does she bother? Why do I???

I know you know it, but you deserve a straight up answer. She bothers because she is just not quite right. You bother for two very good reasons:

• She's your mom, and we are deeply trained to not let that relationship go. It is painful -- no matter what happens -- to ever let go of that relationship, and it is normal to regret it.
• You remain -- despite the mistreatment -- a decent, kind, loving person. You want to engage people, and try to fix. Even when your brain tells you it is a fool's errand.

You aren't being foolish and weak. This is damned hard, and hurts. You are being human.

Be good, as I always say.
Be strong, as I always say.

We all believe in you.

[bloomie]

Moglow - First and most importantly...... HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You are a treasure to us!

Now days, many phones will show a message has been delivered or you can tap and hold the message and view report or view message details if you want to see if it was delivered. If your mother is fairly proficient with her mobile she would've most likely seen the message you sent in return. Especially if she is so avidly looking for it as she implies! Also, on certain phones if someone has blocked us they cannot text us unless they unblock and then reblock. If that is the case she certainly knows how to check her phone settings. We could speculate all day on the nonsense that may be going on with her, but bottom line she gets a 1/10 for effort for your bday and that is what really matters here.

Here's my thoughts given your MD may be twins with my mil and oh, the games with the phone via convos or texts she can play...

DH is not a good source of supply for his mother. He is as MC as a human can be. Very careful and shares as little as possible about himself, our life, others. No drama zone.

So, mil does not get a dose of gossip, personal dramatic info to disseminate, emotional pay off at all ever from this guy. To her: He. Is. Boring. (she complains every conversation he doesn't have any 'news' for her because talking with your adult child who has taken time out of their busy life to call you is not enough for her)

He owes her some supply because that is what the phone - any kind of phone - is for. Meddling, slamming down, chewing on the latest gossip or poor person in her obit to have a serious illness, divorce, information gathering about our kids/grands without having to actually contact them herself, posturing over the phone to family members, weeping uncontrollably when the conversation isn't satisfying enough, or because she is soooo mooooooved by some randomness, and I could go on, but I don't need to because you get it 💯.

The phone has been her number 1 vehicle for chaos manufacture for as long as I can remember because, in our case, DH cannot avoid some amount of phone interaction. She is a ninja with the phone games.

You, my dear Moglow have an advanced MC degree and you are also a mannerly, polite, lovely human that says: 'thank you' for a bday wish from your mother. And she knows it and is using it as an opportunity to turn it into the show she is craving and you are not giving her.

You keep on keeping on and using your highly attuned skills, because this ridiculousness she is attempting to pull is proof that you are not giving over to the toxic swirl she would have you caught up in if she only could. 

And we are right here with you standing by you as you continue to live your good and happy life in peace!

[moglow]

I love y'all. You can't know -actually i think you do- what your thoughts mean to me, how deeply they touch what I'm thinking and feeling. At the same time it brings me to tears that my mother can't see or feel any of it herself.

She IS lacking some essential something. In its place is - evil. I say evil because it's deliberate and intentional and a repeated gleeful delivery of pain and contempt. She openly laughs and mocks me and any indication that I received her delivery loud and clear.

I want so badly to dish even some of it back, but you know me, I'd kick myself. So I work harder at letting iT go, walking away with my words unsaid.

Y'all are rockstars.and I'm holding your words close.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Mo 

I was struck by what you said about evil. I personally don't believe in evil as an entity but it's a word in all human languages I would wager. I first saw what I would construe as evil in my ex very very toxic uNPDbf. The look in his eyes could be terrifying. Basically, it was pure, unadulterated, blazing malice. Utterly chilling.  They walk amongst us and sometimes they have children.

What I see Moglow, is that having endured your childhood and more, you are a good and authentic person. Judging from your contributions to the forum, you have wisdom, compassion and empathy. That is such a triumph and I hope you can raise a glass/cup of tea to yourself and toast being a total badass

[moglow]

Well. I got yet another text then a call from md suggesting/insisting that I try doing this and that to my phone or take it back to store to have them check it. No. It's a new phone, we're not having this conversation yet again. DON'T TEXTif you want to talk clearly we can. But there are times she wants to tell me something and it's easier to text since I don't answer the phone at work. [Oh. Last time you trotted that one out it was because I'm so difficult to talk to and that's why you call while I'm at work so you can leave a message ... No? never mind. I'm sure I misunderstood what you said.].

I called back to ask that we please put aside the resentments and disappointments and do better going forward. For all her previous comments of "just when [she] thought things were okay," that conversation was not okay. I tried grace and calm and seeking understanding, giving her a softer path to follow, but no.

I tried to talk to her, tell her where *I* went sideways with her, what really hurt me and made me shut down [when she told me all I wanted to talk about was my thoughts and my feelings and all that CRAP], that it made me feel like she didn't care and I didn't matter. I wanted to put that behind us and find peace. "And?" Literally. That was her response - it honestly didn't occur that what she said was hurtful. Worse it didn't matter even having it spelled out, that's how she felt/feels. "You're doing it again right now, talking about nothing but yourself." Um I'm trying to open a door here!

She wanted to be mad and she dug hard down into one. There were a few thing I'd said in the far distant past that she'd never forgive or forget and "many others [she] won't even go into" [okay, we all have stuff but I can't see where dredging that up serves anyone]. Again, please. Can't we leave all that where it was and ... NOPE. It got worse but you get the general idea. Ultimately she fell back on she needs to go, the dog needs to go out. Really? You can't give this a minute? She hung up.

I called back, got voicemail as expected. Told her THIS right here is why we don't and won't have a relationship. She shuts down rather than trying to work through or resolve anything, no recognition that it takes two. Worse, she shuts everyone out and hangs up. I'm DONE being hung up on and treated like I'm nothing.

I wanted release and I got it. Within 30minutes the headache and knot in my neck were gone.

[Oh - one of my favorites: what I can do to "fix this" is to resolve things *between her and my brother*. Um no. That's between y'all, as it should be. If I refuse to repair it we dont have anything to talk about. That's all on me and I have to fix it first! Riiiiiiight. Clueless.]

[moglow]

Irony: Her complete disinterest in repairing anything between her and me, while demanding that I fix her other relationships, situations in which i have no place or voice.  Condition of employment, as it were.

I'm tired y'all. I know I'll never understand or be able to change one small part of this mess. Shes not remotely interested and never was.  I'm only sorry this took so long to sink in.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm DONE being hung up on and treated like I'm nothing.

I wanted release and I got it. Within 30minutes the headache and knot in my neck were gone.

[Oh - one of my favorites: what I can do to "fix this" is to resolve things *between her and my brother*. Um no. That's between y'all, as it should be. If I refuse to repair it we dont have anything to talk about. That's all on me and I have to fix it first! Riiiiiiight. Clueless.]

Good, I'm glad you're done. She sounds clueless and maddening. What kind of relationship is that? I ask myself the same thing with my mother. And to ask you what she can do to resolve things with your brother...what a kick in the head.

I'm happy to read your headache and knot were gone anyway. I'm sure you are tired. Understanding and hugs to you moglow.

[moglow]

I wasn't clear:

She's not asking how *she* can repair her relationship with my brother - she's demanding that *i* do it. She said the only way I can fix this between her and me and move forward, is to resolve things between her and my brother, since I (supposedly) created it. If I can't or refuse to do that, don't bother with her at all.

In her mind I'm responsible for cleaning the mess she built/tore down. She just sits on her keester making demands and issuing decrees. When her "plan" fails, she has auto scapegoat. Isn't that just swell? 

[SunnyMeadow]

oohhh, YOU need to repair that relationship!  Unbelievable. 

They really are something.....

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh my gosh what an insult! If you don't fix the relationship with your brother for her... her plan is to just stew and keep blaming you? What a horrible woman.

The common denominator in all your failed relationships is you, MD. 

[moglow]

Cat, I'd not seen it as an insult but it is really. AND she went back into what I need to do about my phone settings because she's still not getting texts from me ... well. You're not getting any because I stopped responding. She's chosen her position and must defend it at all costs. Wasted air effort and energy with that one.