over sharing

[Pepin]

I believe that I need some help in the oversharing department.  Do you ever feel like you have had a conversation with someone and ended up walking away with them knowing more about you than them?  Or you felt that you said too much and don't know why you opened up to them?  Is this a codependent thing?    

I think I need to learn to stop doing this.  The only reason I can think of as to why I do this is to keep the conversation going and hopefully keep the person at ease?  For some people I would rather remind myself that they have better things to do and that I should stop holding them up.  It's weird, you know -- like I just supplied them with info that they will do nothing with... 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[StayWithMe]

My parents were the type that is someone asked us a question, my parents expected to give full expansive answers.  If not, my parents would say "Don't act all stupind."  I realize now that quite often this was their way of bragging.  What I did for the summer could be translated into "Look at how much money we spent on her." 

At some point, I did become angry that I felt that I owed others answers, full ones too, while other people would shake their and say "yeah, I had fun this summer."

It was only once that I noticed my mother recognizing this phenomena.  Once my father's brother, alcoholic, pain in the ass, unable to pay his family's, dropped by my parents' place.  As he was coming, my mother asked about his daughter.  "Oh, yeah, she's fine."  and then he moved to look for his brother.  She made a remark after that but it didn't change her behavior towards me.

You should turn this into a challenge for your self.  Keep up with current events and other third party activities so that when you talk to other people, you can talk about more than yourself.  and also keep in mind follow up questions for them when they are speaking. Alsoo learn good transitions when you are happy hours and the like.  There's checking out the serving table; going to the bathroom; dancing; circulating and so on.

[Cascade]

Yes, I find myself over sharing sometimes. I don't know if it's a co-dependent thing but I think it's one of the reasons why I attract PD's. Just last week I had a concern on my mind and I felt the strong urge to share it with a coworker that I don't even like very much!

[Free2Bme]

Thanks for braving this topic Pepin...
I am so embarrassed,  I now do this frequently.  It's weird because I really enjoy being the listener and I can enter-in to what another person is saying, focusing on their topic/need and I don't feel the need to be the center of the universe.  However, when given the opportunity, I am oversharing, assuming others are as interested in me as much as I am in them.  I realize that this puts others in an awkward position to offer something in return, even though I don't expect much.   WHY am I doing this!  My first thought was that this is in response to the two decades of hiding my abusive home life from family, friends, church, hoping someone will say "I see you, you are not invisible, you have gone through a terrible ordeal".  Maybe its a deep need for just one ally?  I fear that it has had a polarizing effect because people don't know what to do with this s***, it's just  too messy.  Sadly, it ends up validating how alone I feel.
I have begun coaching myself prior to entering situations where I might be tempted to overshare, my goal is that I won't offer info that the other person has not asked for.  If they ask how I am or how are things going, I will give a brief but honest response and only share more if they request it and I feel they are safe.  So far, I have not been very successful but I'm gonna keep at it.  I ran across this meme: "Never tell your problems to anyone.  20% don't care, and the other 80% are glad you have them".  I think the take away is that I should be selective, and timely about opening up and aware that many people either don't care, or will exploit me for being transparent.  I must find a balance between  a safe place to open up, not putting random people in awkward positions, and definitely not painting a target on my forehead for other PD's to see!    Easier said than done  

[Pepin]

However, when given the opportunity, I am oversharing, assuming others are as interested in me as much as I am in them.   

I ran across this meme: "Never tell your problems to anyone.  20% don't care, and the other 80% are glad you have them".

OMG truth to both of these...I figure if I open up, they might open up, too.  Nope.  I don't necessarily share my horrendous path with people...because I already know that it is just so messed up that they could never relate not even digest it.  Most people can handle one ugly truth but not multiple ugly truths.

[mdana]

It's been my experience that It takes time to learn to discern who can "hear" what you need to share, IMO.

Not everyone can  hear, let alone "hold" or even "carry" the intimacies we want (or need) to share.  Many people can't even relate -- which is not a bad thing (given that not everyone has been involved with a PD individual as we have on this support site). Then, there's the issue of degree (which you describe) = 1 ugly thing maybe, but several? 

Oversharing with others (for me) has happened during the times when I have felt the most "invisible" in my life.  And, it has represented a time that related to a strong need to feel seen and validated. 

M

[Wardog]

Since I've started my own social life, apart from my uNPD wife, I have trouble with this too.  She's one of those people with which you need a hollow chisel to get a word in edgewise.    It's really nice to have normal conversations, and sometimes, if I find someone like me, who is better at listening than talking, I can get carried away.  I realize that in the "getting to know you" phase of a relationship, most people aren't ready or willing to be an emotional "dumping ground."  I keep reminding myself of this so as not to overwhelm people.  I'm still not used to normal social interaction.  But I'm getting there...

[Jade63]

I think my tendency to over share stems from my previously enmeshed (only child) relationship with my M. I simply did not know how to have a casual relationship with anyone. Nearly all relationships had to be intense or enmeshed right away, or else they didn't feel real. I just didn't know any other way.

~Jade

[1footouttadefog]

PD and dysfunctional  people often use enmeshment to manipulate and to mimic "love".

It can take some trials and errors to break the habit, of oversharing and expecting too much emotional intimacy.

I found it useful kind to my self and place myself in low risk venues to interact with others.  Museum openings, art shows, meet and greet, meet groups, town hall meetings, volunteering, etc.

I can remember once a year or so back I stepped across this line with a woman I met on a group camping trip.  She was really cool about it though. I was relating something I had just been involved in that was super stressful and had started into too much detail.  She said, this sounds like it might not be a happy story and probably not one we can solve easily, let's have fun today.

I realized two things. One I was over sharing and two, I was being I sensitive to her situation.  She was recently separated and divorced and had relocated, and very likely needed a less intense conversation, and that I might even habe triggered something of hers.

It's easy to assume other people have room to spare in the intensity department, as well as feeling entitled to fill it up for them.

I don't consider myself entitled overall so these self discoveries are painful but useful.

On the flip side I have avoided some negative and toxic engagements because I noticed red flags in others. 

[doingoveroroverdoing]

I too have to coach myself to neither overshare, nor be overly solicitous. I hate the cringey morning after type feeling I get when things get too deep too quick. I know avoiding people isn't healthy, but right now it feels like the smartest thing to do.

[Mintstripes]

Thank you for posting this.
I have to think before I speak because of the possibility/danger of oversharing, too.

I have been absolutely starved of attention and empathy, since I was a child. When I left my UNpdex I felt like many of my longtime friends just didn't know what to say. They either went silent or chatted away about platitudes, which made it worse for me.

Now, I find it difficult to know who I can and can't talk to. There's so much talk now about not "emotionally dumping" on people I'm afraid to say anything that's not happy and superficial... I miss the real conversations I used to have with my old friends.

I feel like I have so much baggage now (like one of you said, many "ugly truths") that I'm not able to make new, real friendships. 

[Lauren17]

Absolutely! I think it's because I so desperately want to have a conversation!
The other thing I'm learning is my ability to determine what's socially acceptable is skewed from years in this relationship. 
When the moms have a get together, it common to do the "My husband never takes out the trash!" "Why can't Dad find lost things?" type of discussion. I don't know how many times I've shared something I think is minor only to receive a shocked look and "My husband would never do that!!" Then I get that cringey feeling.
I'm working on it though.
And this forum helps a lot. I can share the dysfunctional stories here, so that they (hopefully) don't pop out in a conversation out there.

[Free2Bme]

 

Yes it is "dangerous", sometimes it feels like I'm in the witness protection program trying to cover my bizzare family dynamic, or risk the stupefied expression on the other persons face when I slip with something out of the 'norm'.  Very polarizing.
This degree of superficiality that seems to be required either makes me sad or mad, depending on the day. 

I don't think the answer is to self-censor, but to be choosy with whom one shares, sensitive to the other party's personality/threshold, and proceed with caution while adjusting expectations accordingly. 

I wish I had the antidote, I would market it!  ... but alas I can offer only understanding.   

[Hazy111]

I do it to, i call it monologing, like what narcissists do. I wish i didnt but i do. Afterwards i berate myself, but when the dam bursts, theres nothing stopping it..

[JollyJazz]

Hello,

Yes, I used to be an oversharer, I still occasionally share more than I really want (recently I was asked a slightly too intrusive question by an outer circle friend [I'll explain in a moment], and I go into the default 'oh I have to share this or the other person won't like me'). I would answer this differently next time. Overall I've been working on this, and I share differently now.

I think for those of us that grew up with PD's that means that we tend to have boundary issues, all kinds, our own boundaries and others. So when we are used to having our boundaries disregarded and having others define our boundaries for us! As a child I was often forced to tell my mother things, so I got used to confessing things/feeling like others were utterly entitled to know my business, and that I had no entitlement to say no to this.

Sometimes PD's (and sociopaths) will purposely mine others for personal information (that they can use later). So it can pay to be judicious about who we share personal information with. If someone truly earns our trust (over time) then we may want to share more, as well as if we lose trust in them, we may want to share less.

It is nice to have people we can be intimate and share things with, but the trick is finding the right people.

I also think there is something to do with the power dynamic of the questioner/and the answerer... I was used to being on the backfoot and answering questions, often not feeling like I could ask back 'why do you ask' etc. or just to say, 'sorry that's personal' or 'no, I don't want to talk about that'. Or just plain 'NO'. Or to question them more. In a healthy relationship there is give and take, boundaries are respected.

Reading and working through the exercises in 'Children of the Self Absorbed' by Nina S. Brown and 'Whose life is it anyway' (also by Nina S. Brown) really helped me to firstly identify my own boundary issues and to work on them.

One thing you can do is draw a set of circles and then figure out who you want, you feel comfortable sharing more or less with. The people you want more emotional intimacy with are in the middle of the circle, then the people in the outer circles are those you may want to share less with. Learning to 'grey rock' - i.e. talk about the weather and other non-committal, non personal subjects with unpleasant coworkers and family members helped a lot.

Anyway, Pepin, you aren't alone! I hope some of this is useful! Thanks for bringing up this topic Best wishes for your next steps on this.

[Boat Babe]

Yes, thanks for bringing this to us. I immediately recognized it as something that I often do as well. Who knew!

Thinking about it, I think I do it to create a connection, as this is something I didn't have as a child. Perhaps not the most skillful way to go about it!!!

Porous boundaries are probably another factor.

Mmmm will have to do some work on this. *Sighs gently and adds it to list!

Love to you all ❤️

[1footouttadefog]

I think one of the underlying issues is being brought up with a distorted concept of trust and respect. And other related concepts.  These are commonly misused by pds to manipulate, much the same way they give gifts so the can expect something in return, be it material or otherwise.

So an over simplified exams would be some people share with those they trust while others trust those who share. 

If you trust those who share, a pd can manipulate you be sharing and encouraging you to do the same.  If you were raised with a pd your boundaries may have been violated if the shared too much, such as using you as a sounding board for adult issues.  But this connection with parent was the reward for too much sharing.  They might also have almost forced you to overshare reinforcing the dynamic reciprocally.

It can then feel very natural to begin with sharing and mistake the familiar seeming connection as trust etc.

Having learned that such things are commonly used to manipulate by predators I try to not do it because it could cause someone else to feel like I am manipulating them.  I dont want to be creepy.  I may now proceed with too much caution at times. 

I was with a group the other day and found myself monitoring as well as analizong the stopping points of others in their sharing and story telling. 

Example one woman mentioned her husband in past tense and is ovlbviously going through a downsizing and economic transition.  I did not know if he died or tlif they divorsed.  Was curious but did not ask.   

Others talked to a point and step back on various topics and I noticed the stopping points in each case.