"Attached" by Levine and Heller

[all4peace]

These are my notes after reading, re-reading and summarizing this fantastic book. The framework for this book is the understanding that we are biologically created for attachment, and that our attachment to our parent figures is reflected in our attachment style to our primary partners in adulthood. It's a guide for those seeking relationship, and those already in relationship.

While it's not about PDs specifically, on this forum we understand that being raised by a PD, or our partner having been so, creates non-secure attachment styles that impact our lives together as partnered adults.

I found it incredibly supportive and enlightening. Not only does it support my belief that I have needs, wants and wishes that DO have a place in my marriage, it also helps me see that I am actually using "protest behavior" that pushes my partner away instead of drawing him closer. It also helps me understand his style in a way that is simply who he is, as a product of his childhood, and not an active rejection of me. Lots of healing in these understandings.

Many of my notes are not paraphrased, so I can modify or remove if that's problematic:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Living with a 6th sense for danger—the anxious attachment style
Keeping love at arm's length—the avoidant attachment style
Getting comfortably close—the secure attachment style

Activating strategies for the anxiously attached:
Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things
Remembering only their good qualities
Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating their talents and abilities and overestimating theirs
An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them
Believing this is your only choice for love (only one true partner)
Believing that even though you're unhappy you'd better not let go.

Protest behavior for the anxiously attached:
Excessive attempts to reestablish contact
Withdrawing
Keeping score
Acting hostile
Threatening to leave
Manipulations
Making him/her jealous

Anxious versus avoidant
You: want closeness and intimacy    
They: want to maintain some distance, emotional and/or physical

You: are very sensitive to any signs of rejection (vigilant attachment system)
They: send mixed signals that often come across as rejecting

You: find it hard to tell them directly what you need and use protect behavior instead.   
They: are bad at reading your verbal and nonverbal and what's bothering you (effective communication) and don't think it's their responsibility to do so

You: need to be reassured and feel loved   
They: tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their attachment system

You: need to know exactly where you stand in the relationship
They: prefer to keep things fuzzy. Even if your relationship is very serious, some question marks still remain.

Deactivating strategies for the avoidantly attached:
Saying or thinking "I'm not ready to commit" but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years
Focusing on small imperfections in your partner and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings
Pining after an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend (the "phantom ex")
Flirting with others—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship
Not saying "I love you" while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person
Pulling away when things are going well
Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married
"checking out mentally" when your partner is talking to you
Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain your feeling of independence
Avoiding physical closeness—not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides
ahead of your partner

Eight things you (avoidant) can start doing today to stop pushing love away:
1. Learn to identify deactivating strategies.
2. De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support.
3. Find a secure partner.
4. Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.
5. Make a relationship gratitude list.
6. Nix the phantom ex.
7. Forget about "the one."
8. Adopt the distraction strategy (doing some "thing" together to allow for closeness and letting guard down while "doing" something).

Relationship inventory (to take stock of problem areas and identify the triggers and distorted thinking)
1. Name of partner
2. What is/was the relationship like? What recurrent patterns can you recall?
3. Situation that triggered activation or deactivation of attachment system.
4. My reaction (thoughts, feelings, actions)
5. Insecure attachment working models and principles.
6. How I lose out by succumbing to these working models/principles.
7. Identify a secure role model who is relevant to this situation and secure principles to adopt. Hos is s/he relevant?

When should I use effective communication:
Anxious: when you feeling you are starting to resort to protest behavior. When something your partner has said or done has activated your attachment system to the point where you feel you're on the verge of acting out. Stop yourself, then figure out what your real needs are and use effective communication instead.
Avoidant: the surefire sign that you need to use effective communication is when you feel an irrepressible need to bolt. Use effective communication to explain to your partner that you need some space and that you'd like to find a way of doing so that is acceptable to him or her. Suggest a few alternatives, making sure that the other person's needs are taken care of. By doing so, you're more likely to get the breathing space you need.

The 5 principles of effective communication:
1. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Effective communication requires being genuine and completely honest about your feelings. Be emotionally brave.
2. Focus on your needs. The idea is to get your needs across. Take your partner's well-being into consideration as well. If your needs end up hurting him or her, you're sure to get hurt too; after all, you and your partner are an emotional unit. When expressing your needs, it's helpful to use verbs such as need, feel, and want, which focus on what you are trying to accomplish and not on your partner's shortcomings. ("I need to feel confident in the relationship. When you chat up the waitress, I feel like I'm on thin ice"  "I feel devalued when you contradict me in front of your friends. I need to feel that you respect my opinions")
3. Be specific.
4. Don't blame. Never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent, or inadequate. Effective communication is not about highlighting the other person's shortcomings, and making accusations will quickly lead you away from the point and into a dueling match. Make sure to find a time when you're calm to discuss things. You'll find that attempting to use effective communication when you're on the verge of exploding is a contradiction in terms—you'll most likely sound angry or judgmental.
5. Be assertive and nonapologetic. Your relationship needs are valid—period. Though people with different attachment styles may not see your concerns as legitimate, they're essential for your happiness, and expressing them authentically is crucial to effective communication. This point is especially important if you have an anxious attachment style, because our culture encourages you to believe that many of your needs are illegitimate. But whether they are legitimate or not for someone else is beside the point. They are essential for your happiness, and that's what's important.

5 Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict
1. Show basic concern for the other person's well-being.
2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
4. Be willing to engage.
5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs.

[NoVoice357]

Great review.  Thank you so much for sharing this book with us, A4P.

[louisebt]

This model has recently been so helpful in making me understand why my 4 year relationship has hit the rocks. I'm amazed we have managed 4 years tbh!

[all4peace]

It's the model of therapy for Dh, me and us together, and learning more about attachment therapy has helped me in depersonalizing a lot of our marital dynamics. Once you see it, you see it everywhere!

[Adria]

Wow All4peace,

Thank you for your indepth outline. Makes so much sense. Can't wait to get the book