Enmeshment of PDs with family members

[countrygirl]

Hello,

I am dealing with a close friend who is NPD, and who is also totally enmeshed with her younger sister.  I have never dealt with someone who was enmeshed with a family member before.  I wondered whether anyone who has experience with this could offer their observations and advice.

[clara]

My NPD SIL is seriously enmeshed with her younger sister.  The sister seems to act as my SIL's flying monkey since she's forever commenting on my SIL's FB posts about how wonderful she is and how happy she is in her marriage and she and my brother are such "lovebirds" etc. etc.  Those of us who know what's going on know the real story, but the sister just keeps on with her positive PR regarding my SIL.  It's pretty blatant and at times kind of weird.

I guess what I'm seeing is--my SIL is using her own sister (they were apparently estranged for many years but that was before she married my brother) to help maintain a fiction she believes about herself.  I pretty much guarantee that if the sister didn't go along with it, she'd be out of the picture.  Since she seems to be at my SIL's beck-and-call, I can only assume it's because she's unhappy in her own life (based on things my mom has observed when spending time around her) so is glad to have my SIL as a distraction or a reflection of the life she herself would like to project, but can't.  So, I'm assuming the enmeshment is mutually agreeable, and therefore will continue unless my SIL decides to end it.  I wonder if your friend's sister is being manipulated in a similar manner, and is currently fine with it whether or not she knows what's going on.  If so, she's working, consciously or not, to enable your friend's behavior.  I think the key to understanding all of this is to figure out in what way your friend is benefitting from it.  What does it give to her or do for her that she otherwise wouldn't have or get?   

[countrygirl]

Hi Clara!

Thanks for sharing the story of your NPD SIL and her younger sister.  Enmeshment is really something.   And, yes, it does seem to be a symbiotic relationship. 

In my friend's case, she is the older sister by nearly ten years, and worships at the feet of the younger sister.  I think the younger sister enjoys being adored, and enjoys having everything paid for and a free place to stay when she comes to town.  I think that my friend has shifted the fixation she had on her mother to this sister, now that the mother is dead, making the younger one the sister-mother.

And there is no room for me in this enmeshment.   

Hope you have a Happy Fourther, Clara!  Thanks so much for your replies.  I am really going through it right now, and appreciate the response and support.

[countrygirl]

I did not write "Fourther."  Ha!     "Have a Happy Fourth!"

[clara]

Thanks, countrygirl! Hope you have a good holiday yourself and don't overdo anything and remember to take care of yourself, first and foremost.  Be selfish--you have my permission! 

But oh yeah, you reminded me of something I'd overlooked about my SIL--how this all seemed to ramp up after their parents died (very close together).  My SIL always maintained this image of being the devoted and loving daughter to her parents (who I suspect were seriously messed up since all of the kids have had issues, some extremely serious) and the sister is the one now benefitting from that "love and devotion."  The trade-off is the sister has to play  her role, as well.  Like I said, the entire family seems very messed up and have all learned to live a lie.  For my NPD sister that's just part and parcel of being NPD but the sister doesn't seem PD, just messed up and vulnerable.  Ugh.  I'm just glad I don't interact much with them, but my mom and sister do which is where I get most of my information.  I can't even bring myself to deal with them but it's easy for me to make that choice because, unlike with your friend, I never had any kind of relationship with them to begin with.  If I had been friends with my SIL at any point and started observing this behavior later on, I really don't know how I would be reacting. 

Anyway, take care and keep cool!