I am officially in this category finally

[20yrsofcrazy]

I haven't been on here for a while but I have (as of Friday evening) expressed my desire to not be in my marriage anymore to my updh.  Next  month marks 24 years married and I am done. 

I am not sure he is taking me seriously but in my heart I have no doubt this is the path I want.  He is being especially nice right now, as expected. 

I need a little help/advice on how to continue to make him understand.  I was probably a little "too nice" when I was expressing this to him as I did not specially use the word divorce. 

I felt like I had to start the conversation when we not in the middle of a heated argument, which I expressed to him.  I also said I wanted to be friends, if possible as we have children together, and I didn't want to fight or make it an expensive endeavor i.e. involve lawyers if we don't have to. 

I want him to move out. 

Any advice on continuing the conversation and making him understand I mean business, so to speak??

If he gets volatile or aggressive at all, I will lawyer-up.  My DS15, who is our only child who still lives at home, supports my decision whole-heartedly.  I also advised our DD19 (she has moved out already) that this was what I wanted to proceed with. She gave me her blessing right away. 

So... anyway this is kind of an update on my situation for any of you that have helped me in the past and might be wondering.  Any advice is greatly appreciated.  Thank you. 

[GettingOOTF]

My advice would be to lawyer up. My divorce dragged in for years as my ex refused to believe I was serious. I only got him out of the house as he was hospitalized and I refused to let him come back. If that hadn’t happened I don’t know how I would have got him out.

The thing is my ex had nothing to gain from divorcing me so he did what he could to keep the marriage going. He didn’t care that I was miserable and wanted out. He wanted his life to continue as it always had.

You will only get him to see you mean business by acting like you mean business. A formal separation agreement will protect you financially from any debt he may run up between now and when the divorce is final.

Be careful. My ex was also especially nice until he realized that it wasn’t making a difference. And then he was especially abusive. Have a plan for when this happens. Fingers crossed it won’t but if your husband was the kind of person who cared about and respected your wishes and feelings you likely wouldn’t be where you are now.

Hang in there. Prepare for some major Hoovering and a lot of anger. Keep you eye on what you want out of this and don’t get sucked in to his games.

[20yrsofcrazy]

Getting Out of the FOG

Thank you.  I am keeping all of this in mind. 

Still somewhat hopeful for an amicable situation but will not be surprised if its not. 

[11JB68]

These kinds of stories are why my personal plan is that I will leave, at least until Updh has a chance to pack up and find a place to live.
My leaving will make it clear to him that he cannot Hoover me.

[HotCocoa]

PD's don't do amicable.  You also have a minor child to think about.  Forget about trying to make him understand.  He will use it against you.  Get yourself an attorney.  Start setting up consultations.  You and your minor child need protection and support. 

[GettingOOTF]

On these forums we can only tell our own stories. I will say this: I have never once seen anyone come back and say "you were wrong. My husband was completely reasonable, we divorced amicably and happily co-parent".

I have seen people come back and say "you guys were right, he escalated" or dragged out the divorce, ran up debt, tried to take custody of the children he'd never been interested in raising until the divorce.

My therapist once got annoyed at me for the only time in the years I saw her for referring to my divorce as "amicable". She said it's not amicable, you are doing everything you can to keep him calm and keep yourself safe. That is not amicable. She was right.

If you 100% know you want a divorce the best way to go about it is to act like you do, to stop giving him chances to let you down and continue to control your life and your future.

[frustratedanddiscouraged]

We seem to have a lot in common. 24 years of marriage and I am also calling it quits. Haven't told anyone except the divorce attorney I emailed this morning. My DD22 will be supportive, she has asked me why the heck I haven't gotten a divorce. My plan is to get everything (financial plan, etc.) ready assuming it will not be amicable but to try to have a reasonable conversation about it anyway.

He has already threatened various actions if I file for divorce, "I will take you for all you're worth!" and "I will demand alimony," etc.  so I am not counting on any easy process, I want to be prepared. I feel like when I tell him he will start panic buying things or who knows what else to that I will pay for half, so I want to talk to an attorney FIRST to be prepared for various things like that.

[ChillNow]

Dear 20yrsofcrazy,

I completely understand what you expressed about desiring to stay friends because you have children together, not wanting to fight nor make it an expensive endeavor.  I think most PD husbands are not capable of this but my stb-ex currently is.  They are on a spectrum and mine is clearly toward the milder end, and getting a previously unknown medical issue resolved has definitely helped with his moods.

The degree to which you need to involve lawyers depends largely on your particular mix of assets and liabilities such as equity in your home and the size of his 401(k) versus the size of your 401(k).  Also, will you need child support for your 15-year old and/or some spousal support for a while? 

'GettingOOTF' made an excellent point that 'A formal separation agreement will protect you financially from any debt he may run up between now and when the divorce is final.'  Remember, you know him well, yet we can't control other people.  There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself financially.

Don't be surprised if he considers his 401(k) HIS.  However, in many divorces, in order to equalize assets, it is necessary for the wife to get a share of his 401(k) via a QDRO (Qualified Domestic Relations Order) which needs to be professionally prepared.  I knew that my husband would not be 'receptive' to this so I needed legal representation.  However, I did not want to go the traditional lawyer route and, thankfully, he agreed to collaborative law.  We still have an attorney representing each of us at every session, but it is done in a much more amicable way and it is a flat fee!  I told my husband that he had a choice between collaborative law or the traditional lawyer route.  You mentioned at one time that you mother had saved up money for legal fees.  If that is still the case, you are fortunate.

Perhaps your situation is unusually straight-forward where you keep the house and he keeps his 401(k) and you are even.  I would definitely compile a detailed listing of all assets and liabilities and consult with a lawyer about it.  Remember to include any collections that were accumulated during the marriage.

I wish I had good advice to give about how to make him understand that you mean it.  I moved out because I didn't want to take on the upkeep of the landscaping, even temporarily.  At regular intervals, I simply and calmly stated 'Husband, I'm not coming back.'  The guilt-tripping and hoovering attempts were very draining emotionally but I am resolved and after six months he accepted reality.

[20yrsofcrazy]

Update:  He opened conversation about trying to work on marriage involving Bible study and working TOGETHER on marriage vs us working on ourselves individually.  I said I've been trying to work on marriage for 24 years and I don't have anything left to give him.

  I say, "I'm done" calmly. 

He counters with: but we've never tried this.   

I say, "I'm done" calmly. 

He says but what if this works?

I say, "I'm done" calmly. 

He says he doesnt want to lose me.

I say, "I'm done" calmly. 

And on and on until I walked away.



Thank you all for sharing your experiences.  I am exploring my options legally, etc.

[GettingOOTF]

I will never forgot my ex saying "but I don't understand, we're so happy!!!"  I was MISERABLE. I'd been trying for over a decade to do everything possible to make the marriage work. How could he look at me and think for a second I was happy.

I really wish I could post a photo of me in my marriage and one of me today. It's crazy.

My ex tried all sorts of things. He even finally got a job which was awesome for me as he had income and medical insurance again.

[Kat54]

My uNPh chose to ignore everything. Always his mantra if he ignored Everything would go away. He Didn't think I would actually leave and get a lawyer. He's extremely paranoid, so Took him almost a year trying to get information on his business and financials, and in the end it ended up costing him $2,000 toward my legal fees for stalling.
He never Understood how unhappy I was, even though I kept telling him I wanted out.

[Enoughisenough]

I just finalized my divorce from my PD husband after close to 30 years of marriage. I, too, wanted an amicable divorce. We started out with a separation. He begged me to work on the marriage while separated. I insisted that we start with separate therapists. It was clear to me during the 10 months we were separated that he wasn't in fact working on anything at all. He continued to play the victim and kept waiting for me to change my mind. He tried to be on his best behavior but the rage was always lurking just below the surface. I knew that, if I were to let him move back in, we would be back to square one in a week. Once I made clear that I was in fact filing, I still thought we could mediate the divorce and remain amicable. Man, do I feel foolish now. I even contemplated proceeding unrepresented when he hired a lawyer. Not only did the gloves come off during the divorce proceedings, he created some bizarre narrative that he pitched to anyone who would listen. It went like this: "My wife is wonderful and I love her with all of my heart. Unfortunately, the devil has seized her and she is no longer in her right mind. We must all forgive her and pray for her." His profuse apologies over his repeated rages vanished. He denied he ever raged. He joined not one, but two, churches, and started dispatching church members to my house (after dark and during the pandemic) to talk sense into me and to preach the gospel. He started leaving Christian literature in my mailbox. He tried to argue for giving me zero spousal support although he makes three times what I make. It was, needless to say, a nightmare.  I urge you to hire a lawyer and to continue to be both clear and calm in all dealings. Not hiring a lawyer is not going to keep things amicable.

[GettingOOTF]

My ex also did the "my wife is wonderful, I love her so much" thing. He'd do "anything" to save the marriage. If only I could meet him halfway but it looked like I was "refusing" to work on the marriage.  Boy did he get sympathy from that.  He made me out to be crazy, heartless and totally unreasonable. Fun times.

[Rose1]

20 plus years after my exbpdh decided to go back home to his parents  he still tells people I left him. Despite at the time phoning everyone he could think of to tell them he left me. I think he was looking for sympathy but didn't get any so started to lie about it. He got some after that.

[20yrsofcrazy]

Enough and gettingootf

I am seeing an element of "she won't work with me" coming out.  I have repeated over and over that I was trying for 24 years and time has run out.  Its his behaviors and the results of them that have brought us here.  However, he doesn't think he should take all the blame.   I said that's fine...i blame myself for not doing this sooner so my children could have benefitted more...