Contact levels- any advice?

[sc204]

Context: When I was 16 years old, my parents suggested that a neighbour who had been recently released from prison for creating indecent images of children come and live with us. He of course sexually assaulted me (and possibly my sister), repeatedly over an 18 month period. The police arrived, having been tipped off by a neighbour (about him living with us, not the abuse) and since he couldn't live 'in the house' on a technicality, my parents let him live in the garden in a tent. When social services, returned stating that he had to leave the property due to his history, they gave a deadline of a week. I remember going to beg my father to ask him (the neighbour) to leave, because although I was >16 social services had said they would take my 12 year old sister into care. My mother, had absented herself from the problem saying 'you have to speak to your father, you are the only one he listens to' and my father only after me crying and begging, made him go and stay in a nearby B and B. They continued to work together doing odd jobs, although he now had much less access to my sister and me. Several years later, my Mum found a book of Pornography that the neighbour had 'gifted' me on my shelf. she took it down and said 'you know he was grooming you', before throwing the book away.  As much as I try to forgive her for this and am aware that my father is very much a part of this, I simply cannot forgive my mother for this and that she knew what was happening.  I have never spoken to my parents about what happened, as I fear the backlash and histrionics that would ensue. My sister had a previous relationship where her partner was highly controlling and physically abusive; after ending up in hospital my sister returned to my mother having taken to her bed because 'I've lost another son'. [I sadly had a brother who passed away from cot death].

After years of emotional abuse from my mother, I was NC for several years, before getting back in touch with my parents prior to getting married. i think I felt guilty about them missing out on such an important part of my life, and foolishly, I thought that things 'might be different'. However things were dire at the wedding, with my mother saying some very horrible things about me in front on my friends and new family, deliberately starting arguments with my father, and complaining because no one was saying nice things about her.  My father got  unbelievably drunk, and was making racist remarks, so I had to ask another friend who kindly took him home.

Since then I have been VLC; occasional texts, mostly from my father. I wrote to them, explaining how hurt I was; my mother did not respond to me only 'this didn't happen', despite many friends and family being witness to it. She hasn't contacted me since. Dad on the couple of times he has sent me a text, will encourage me to 'have a chat with your mum' and I have said clearly I'm not interested.


I am VLC with my father, and NC with my mother; which of course has issues as my father when we do speak if trying to get me to communicate with her. I don't want to triangulate my parents, and I do want some kind of contact with my father albeit VLC, but this brings up so many issues with Mum. Today I had another text message from Dad, telling me he was posting my Christmas present 'from them both x' and encouraging me to ring mum to say thank you. I really don't want to accept this present and certainly don't want to ring my mother.  Any advice from members who have some contact with part of their family only?

[freedom77]

Hello sc204...
Wow that is awful what you had been put thru. My BPD/N mother also allowed me to be vulnerable to sexual abuse for years growing up, and often left me alone in dangerous situations.

I don't really have much advice to offer that you would want to hear. I feel anger for you, the way I do for myself.

Here is my opinion on the matter: I feel BOTH of your parents are responsible for what happened to you, and very likely your sister. They were the adults, the parents, and they allowed this horrific child abuser pedophile to move into what should have been a safe haven for you and sister. Even going so far as to let him camp out in the garden. Then after years of NC, you extended the olive branch and allowed them to attend your nuptial festivities, of which they ruined.

I may be wrong, and I certainly do not want to encourage you to do something you are not comfortable with, but perhaps you should be NC with both of them. They let you down, time and again, failed to protect you and sister, in fact, deliberately placed you and her into the hands of a child molester. I'm sorry, but I think you should free yourself of any ingrained obligation you feel toward them, and live your best life as NC.

Just my thoughts.

[doglady]

So sorry to hear of your awful history, sc204, and that your parents allowed this known predator to have access to their children. That in itself is bad enough, but your parents have since shown in other ways that they show no accountability, don't care about how you feel, and continue to lie and minimise your pain. I don't think they'll change.

I'm with freedom77. While no one can feel you what's the best thing to do, it would seem that NC is pretty much the way forward for your own peace of mind and well-being in the future as your parents sound toxic in the extreme.

[moglow]

In a nutshell, you get to decide what you're comfortable with - or not. No one else, certainly not either of the people who knew and exposed you to this, gets to decide this for you. It's really entirely your call.
Personally, I'd probably continue as is. Dad can insert whatever instruction he wants regarding your mother, and as a competent adult you can choose to ignore them. I get it, she's his wife and he had to hear about it at home. Not your stuff. If/when you get this Christmas gift (it's almost Valentine's day but who's keeping track), you can do with it whatever you wish - thats how gifts work.

Me, I'd stop responding to or even acknowledging his nudges about mom. Whatever you do or not is between you and her. He may be dad and her husband, but yeah, he needs to be moved out that triangle.