Am I being lovebombed??

[Concerned One]

Hi! Just wanted to throw something in here - that you have an ongoing list of perceived red flags *after just the second date*, casts doubt for me no matter what you label her behavior. Read and heed that list, and move on to someone better suited to what you want!

Thank you, I will do.

Part of the problem being: I'm with this other lady with whom I can perceive no red flags and yet, I'm thinking of the other one.

Now, I know why this is. Before I would have called this 'love'. The excitement. The anxiety. And yet it doesn't change the fact that my brain seems hardwired to want to pursue the lady with the multiple red flags.

I won't of course, but this gives insight on patterns that occurred before and why previous relationships always failed.

It will take some rewiring of brain circuitry if that is even possible.

[GettingOOTF]

When we are used to dysfunction “normal” people seem boring and not as physically attractive - we don’t get those butterflies with them.

You are attracted to the other persons red flags rather than repelled by them as these are what you are used to. We are attracted to what is familiar as our brain thinks of what is familiar as safe.

Nothing triggers our attachment wounds like relationships. Nothing.

I have done a lot of work in this area. I am attracted to a totally different type of person now. I actually feel a mild kind of physical revulsion at the type of person I was attracted to before. I’m also embarrassed at my pursuit of the drama and chaos, but at the time it didn’t feel that way to me.

The type of person I attract is also totally different. We all get our share of duds but for the most part the men that approach me are stable, mature, successful, fit, confident but not in that cocky PD way, have done some level of self-work and are emotionally available. I’m not the most attractive and I’m in my late 40s. I do nothing to get this attention, it comes naturally as I guess I’m giving off different vibes. I know I carry myself better, I stand up straight, I move with confidence, I look after myself in terms of grooming and dress, I laugh more.  When I’m out I see the kind of person I used to date. They no longer approach me.

We repeat our pattens until we make changes and stop. My siblings and I swore we wouldn’t be our parents. All of us exactly recreated their marriage.  I can’t even be upset at my BPDxH as I now see very clearly that if it hasn’t been him it would have been someone exactly like him.

There is so much information out there on attachment styles, trauma bonds and how our childhood wounds are activated in relationships.

At some point in my dating after my divorce I took an honest look at why I was dating, what I was avoiding by dating and why I was attracted to the people I was. I decided to take a break and go back to therapy. 

It is absolutely possible to rewire our brains when it comes to attraction, but I couldn’t do this while I was actively dating.

I started dating again in March this year and the Covid hit so it’s all been on hold. It sucks but it is what it is. I’ve taken this time to further work on myself.

[Concerned One]

Yes. The red flags are attractive. Why? Probably because it means she is flawed. I am flawed so another flawed person is very attractive to me. Or it might mean I can level some sort of superiority over them because of their flaws.

Either way, I agree with you and I think continuation of self work is more apt in this moment in time.

[GettingOOTF]

My experience has been that I haven’t missed out on a single thing by taking a break from dating. I’ve taken a few over the years and every time I come back the “quality” of people I date is that much higher.

I would guess that most of us here are used to settling. My bar so was low when I started that it was basically on the floor. The people I dated then were head and shoulders above my ex but still pretty close to the floor.

Be confident in yourself and what you deserve - which is a lot more then you think you do right now. Keep moving forward and things will 100% start falling in to place. It takes the time it takes but it’s worth it.

[Concerned One]

 

[Concerned One]

In a further twist of irony, I end it with the 1st lady on the basis that:

Her dating profile stated she was 46 when in fact she turned out to be 51 and that on date two she revealed she would be 52 this Friday. That and the fact that I'm not that invested in progressing things further because I'd like to at least have the option of children. That's a clear and definite boundary erected. It's my right. We'd only been on two dates and I paid each time. I don't owe anybody.

She attempted to breach this boundary by telling me it's only 4 years difference. I didn't reply as is my right. I have a right to end this 'relationship'.

Several hours later and she's still texting me in an attempt to prove I'm wrong.

I'm not going to respond as I do not feel I have to justify, argue, defend or explain myself: JADE.

Clearly I made the right decision as the red flags are flapping in this clear attempt to breach my boundaries.

Please note I previously had no boundaries and would have felt the need to respond/react to this guilt trip attempt.