Loneliness

[qwezrty]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a while, things have been different with my mother. Over the years I can see more and more of the impact this turbulent relationship has had on me. These days I feel so incredibly lonely. My mother did a great job of keeping us together in a bubble and pushing other people away (which I did not realise when I was child). It was always 'us against everyone else' and then when I left home and separated myself from her it triggered years and years of horrible times.

Through the chaos, all my family left her and by extension me. However they often tried to reach out to her, help her, and so she is in occasional contact with her sister and cousins. She has a few friends from voluntary work she does, although she has only recently declared they are 'friends'. She would never admit to having anyone before.

A therapist in the past said I could try to reach out to some family members but who? My father died before I met him and my brother  went no contact 15 years ago and I have accepted his choice, I no longer try to contact him.

I have my partner and a few acquaintances. My partner's family live abroad so we never seem them. We both work from home and have done for years. I have no contact with any family members other than mother. I just feel so alone.

I have struggled with mental and physical health difficulties for years. I have several chronic health conditions and lots of c-ptsd symptoms. I had to stop driving a few years ago due to my vision, so I have to rely on my partner to take me to my appointments etc. I feel like I do not have independence and through coronavirus I have been shielding. My partner seems to be okay with being inside and not having friends. I don't know why I can't feel like that, I'm trying to. I find myself wondering how many hours I have to endure before I can sleep which is just not a good way to feel.

I have been through different therapies, often time limited, and I am beginning with a new therapist now. During our last appointment we were looking at the main things that have happened over my life and most of them were negative experiences. The therapist asked if there were any special friends or good times, and there were a couple but mainly trauma, loss, and illness. I have always seemed to get on well with everyone and had friends through school, jobs, uni, etc however there were no lasting friendships. I feel so sad ☹

[Amadahy]

I'm so sorry for your sadness and loneliness, qwezrty!  Please know that many here understand and empathize.  If you are a hugger, I'd like to send a virtual gentle hug.

I'm working through a book now by Darlene Lancer called Conquering Shame and Codependency. Each chapter has exercises at the end.  I had to stop for a time after chapter two when I realized (and I quote from my journal), "Damn, I was treated badly!"  Sometimes we forget that what was typical treatment for us was not healthy or normal or fair or anything but difficult and we wonder why our bodies give out or our emotions flare or why we feel sad or lonely.  But, mercy, we should!  And, that's not to embrace self-pity, but to encourage self-compassion. 

These pandemic times are tough!  The isolation and unsure outlook brings out triggers for those of us from abusive situations.  It would be surprising if we weren't floundering, but that's small consolation.  I don't have great suggestions, except try replacing all the things you think you should feel or do with "I wish..."   That helps me immensely and I hope it helps you.  (Or, as a good friend reminds, "Don't should all over yourself!"  LOL). 

I hope the new therapist is helpful and I hope you can find ways to feel less lonely and sad.  Maybe posting here will help.  Keep us posted how you get on and know you are not alone.  xoxo

[qwezrty]

Hi Amadahy,

Thank you for your lovely reply and for the virtual hug

You have made such a good point that sometimes we can forget that typical treatment for us was not healthy/fair/the norm/anything but difficult. Seeing the pain we have been through and begin to understand that it is all bound to have an impact not only in the immediate sense but years after too.

I like your friends words not to "should all over yourself" lol! I will keep that in mind and I will also have a look at the book you are working through

I agree, reaching out more online may be helpful.

Thank you so much!