She did her best (so you can't blame her)

[desertpine]

It's been a year since I last talked with anyone from my family. There have been a handful of texts and emails but those are now infrequent and superficial. The time has allowed me to peel back some layers and I feel more free to be myself than I have in a long time. There was a lightbulb moment recently that brought some pieces together about the years I lived under their roof. 
You know how in a lot of kids' stories there is an ending of 'And they lived happily ever after."?  Well, it's like if my experiences growing up in my family - from illnesses to vacations- were in a collection of stories, each story would end with 'And Mother did her best.'  There message is woven throughout my childhood. Everything seemed to circle back to affirming and acknowledging that she did her best. The family seemed to orbit around this. Kids got good grades? Because Mother did her best.  Child was forgotten and had to find another way to get home. Mother did her best (so you can't blame her). Kids needing medical care due to neglect? Mother did her best (so you can't blame her. Must have been father's fault or the doctor's fault.) 
As an adult I now realize the harm caused by this insatiable need for admiration. It's strange to come into my own voice,  to rewrite those stories. In a lot of ways, it doesn't matter so much if she tried her best because whether or not she did, there were hurtful consequences from her lack of empathy and manipulative behaviors.  My endings to the stories would be more like  "And since this was the best Mother could to, I walked away in search of another mother. And found a new family of trusted friends and kind mentors. And life was good."

[Cat of the Canals]

My endings to the stories would be more like  "And since this was the best Mother could to, I walked away in search of another mother. And found a new family of trusted friends and kind mentors. And life was good."

I like this ending a lot. And you're absolutely right. Maybe they are doing their "best." That doesn't mean people weren't hurt along the way.

[lightworld]

I found this ending too! It amazed me how going NC provided so many insights into what went on and, like you, I'm getting to know who I am and able to just be me. So glad you are able to see this clearly and be able to have a good life despite it.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I also like your new ending Desertpine.

Just because it is the best a parent can do, does not mean we must continue going on in-place for them as is.  Sometimes the thought has occurred to me when people question how I could just abandon my family, "well... leaving was the best I could do".   
 

[moglow]

I really like your ending, desertpine!

Imagine if *we* responded to their stuff with "I did my best!" Mine would have plenty ridicule and contempt to dish at me, no understanding that everyone works with what they have and deserves the same grace she demands.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Humph. My mother would always defend herself with, "All I expect is that my children do their best!" I would cry and say, "But I did do my best!" and simply hear back, "I know what your best is and that wasn't it."

This whole do your best business is BS in my opinion. Nobody does their best all the time, nobody. I much prefer the philosophy of "good enough." And excellence when I can manage it.

[raspberryoxygen]

Thanks for writing this out in words. I also wish for your ending of finding other mothers, friends and trusted mentors. It is hard. Massive social anxiety is in the way of me trusting people right now, maybe it's like that for most of us, but I think I've got a few footholds in that battle. Thanks for using such nice words that make improvement seem possible. Hugs to you.