I think the mask has slipped...

[OddFamily]

So my grandma has 24 hour live in home help.  She needs it as she's a safety risk without it.  So this week she has a new helper as her usual person is on a leave of absence (helper's husband was just diagnosed with cancer).  Well grandma does not do well with change.  So new helper is not current helper, and she's not happy about it.  Now when she gets upset her blood pressure goes way up, and folks get concerned about her having another stroke. 

So mom is on the phone with grandma yesterday once again trying to reason with her, that you need full time help, until you can do this and that you need full time help, PT says you need to start doing more stuff on your own and you can't keep saying "I have help" if you want to be independent, and then grandma says "I think I can stay by myself for 3 days".  Mom says "You have to realize every time you make a decision that ends badly I have to spend a week picking up the pieces, you have to think of the load it places on me".  Grandma comes out with this temper tantrum "Well since you can't take care of me I'll move back to New Jersey and go into assisted living there and have my friends up there take care of me".  Considering her friends are as old as she is and have several health challenges I think that is presumptuous.  I didn't call my friends and demand they take care of me, it was of their own free will that they offered me houseroom if I needed while I sorted out a renting situation that was turning toxic.  So she'll consider assisted living in NJ and not here?  Ugh, head games.   

Mom's now feeling guilty about some things she said, I pointed out "Mom, you spoke the truth, if she doesn't want to hear it it's not on you".  Mom's I think starting to drop the rope, that if grandma decides she wants to go to NJ Mom will not be arranging anything.  Dad pointed out that grandma wants mom to come live with her and take care of her, but that does not consider what anyone else wants.     

And I found I earned myself a nice little pass from "family dinner" this week, PCP said what I thought was a drug allergy was a viral rash, so I get to play the "Don't want to expose you" card. 

[bloomie]

OddFamily - I am really thankful your mom has you and your dad who see through the empty threats and the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt that your grandma is attempting to ensnare your mother in to get her to give up her life and take care of her.

It sounds like your grandmother is surrounded by people who are incredibly kind and good to her. So sad she cannot seem to see the chaos she creates for your mom. I hope, in time, your mom will be able to use some of the tools in the toolbox here and gain some good ground in all of it.

Hope you are doing okay health wise.

Keep up the good growth and work! So great how it is benefitting you and your family as you live the example of healthy boundaries and realistic responses to unrealistic demands and threats. Bravo!

[OddFamily]

Thanks Bloomie,
I'm hanging in there healthwise, if I think I need it will call allergist and request televisit tomorrow, but took antihistamine and its not going down so most likely it is viral.

[1footouttadefog]

If someone can afford 24hlur care they could likely afford an assisted living facility.

This means the Grandmother has choices and options.

Perhaps she feels entitled to rearrange other people's lives so she can have her preferred living arrangements.

[OddFamily]

Right in one, she wants it done her way and no other will do.  Only family may serve her highness.  Um, they have jobs and lives outside of her.  Just because her friend has her daughter being a live in caretaker does not mean my mom wants to do it.  This is not old time England where it's expected that the youngest daughter would never marry and take care of her parents. 
She's balking at the price of assisted living despite the fact we've shown it to be cheaper.  She's too attached to her stuff to move, her whole identity is wrapped up in keeping up a big house, but she can't do that now, hasn't for years.