The N Issue That Keeps Following Me

[LoverofPeace]

Hello,

I am hoping to get advice about an issue that's been ongoing for way too long and I'm tired of it impacting my life. Actually, I am 56 years-old and have been working for a few years now where I've finally gone NC with my senior Nmom, Nsis (extra malignant) and Nwaif grandmother. She's a step, married my dear grandfather and she helped to raise my father and his brother from their teens-all three males are deceased. My father's biological mother wasn't there like that and put him and his brother in a children's home until my grandfather came to get them after establishing himself (was only in his late teens to early twenties!) and raised his sons alone until he married my stepgrandmother.

With that little history, fast-forward to today where a lot of family members have passed along the way. And now I have been stuck with these N's (mother, sister and stepgrand) who have been slowly and then crazily driving me up the wall. As my other sister stated (who's also deceased, but was more of the scapegoat-a whole other sad story) I was naive the way I would support my stepgrand and would go after this scapegoat sis about not speaking to her or coming around. What karma, because now I'm that scapegoat sis! Now, I have been attacked both physically and verbally from the Nmom and Nsis where I had to defend myself, but would still be there especially for the Nmom's recklessness; had to go to the hospital more than once from her falling and snickering telling me she knew I would come while sitting there with her hospital gown, not to mention 'bragging' that she has fallen out of her chair more than once like it was funny (I kid you not). Plus, I've had to walk into her unlocked apartment to make sure everything was ok after the fire department had to break her lock to pull her out of there after one of the falls. I didn't chance calling anyone because I didn't want anyone to know and really burglarize it. And she had a pet turtle I didn't want traumatized any further-any living animal or amphibian and I will be very careful because they're like children who deserve to be safe (died not too long after from her neglect).

Trust me, more than that has happened with her and the Nsis; especially those two. I eventually found out I was dealing with Narcs.

The Nmom has moved out of town to go live with this Nsis since the beginning of the year, thank God. That gave me peace and I even offered to help her pack. But like everything else this Nmom and Nwaif stepgrandmom tends to do, she wouldn't let me touch a thing because she said the Nsis was coming into town to pack her up (Miss Goldenchild, you can probably tell). Fine with me, COVID and all.

However, I had been realizing at this point how much the Nwaif grandmom had been doing this to me, too. She flew under the radar for a long time while I Iooked to defend her more than anyone during the years, even willing to over my mother. This is because the waifish ones can be tricky; the woe is me personality while secretly being a narc. So, this slowly dawned on me, which took years after the scapegoat sis told me I was naive.

So, I went LC to sometimes NC with all 3 for about 3 years now with the Nmom, Nsis and Nstepgrand. Being the Nstepgrand is now in her upper 90's and living on her own, I would call her but it did become less and less. I was glad about her niece calling her every day and having friends around her who would check in on her. But she has fallen more than once. And here's the big clincher: while my dear grandfather built a nice nest egg for them, she made the Nsis (remember, the 'Goldenchild') the executor or their estate and I believe her niece, too. However, I remember years ago my Nsis complaining she didn't want the niece being executor alongside her. I thought at the time because this niece can get stubborn and crabby, but now it could be the Nsis was scheming because for the first time in I don't know how long, the Nstepgrand complained about the Nsis that she took her money and some papers out of the house. For me to take information about the 'account' she was going to leave me (told me about it a long time ago without account information so I didn't take it seriously and didn't ask about it since). I said I didn't want any inheritance and I already mentioned more than once she should spend it on herself because this was tough times and they owed us nothing.

Also, I am washing my hands off the fact she never let me help her with the simplest of things; forget about anything bigger. Whenever I came to visit, I would sit there and just have a conversation with her for over 2 hours because I could feel a vibe that I couldn't do much more. I even started complaining if I came over, let me do something for her, to take advantage of the visit. I hated sitting there after awhile. This is though I did most holidays, birthdays and emergency hospital visits for her and the Nmom without anyone else being around most of the time; just here and there.

So, I say that all to say she is finally complaining about the Nsis being foul and taking things that's not hers and she thinks she can just tell me and I'm supposed to play the clean up woman. I told Nstepgrand they helped to make the Nsis bolder by putting all their eggs in one basket, when she knows I've been there and she should have planned things out with me years ago like I kept asking. And I gave her the advice to consult her lawyer, plus tell her niece since she is part executor (I'm thinking she still is, or involved in some capacity). You think she gave me a clear answer when I asked about it again? I doubt if she did, though because she always bucks against me, like the Nmom. And it seems the Nsis has been doing what she wants coming and going.

After all that has transpired, I don't want to be there at all now because it puts me back into a toxic and potentially reckless situation with them, that I worked my way away from. I don't think anyone has the right to put another in a compromising situation. And I've sincerely supported them, just to be put down. I cannot take that on again. Plus, I have my own issues to deal with. I cannot stand how society views this, because all that wouldn't matter.

And my mother left a phone and text message that this Nstepgrand is in a nursing home at this point and that she is asking for me, to please go see her.

I haven't responded. Would you? Because with them, it's all or nothing. So if I do, it's going to be a fight on the boundaries, plus I don't want to think about a fight. Period.

Thanks for your views on this matter. I'm really sick of being haunted by N's. 

[Adria]

It sounds like at this point, maybe you should just do what you want.  No matter what you do, it sounds like it will be a problem, so make yourself happy. 

[SunnyMeadow]

I don't want to be there at all now because it puts me back into a toxic and potentially reckless situation with them, that I worked my way away from.

Toxic and reckless does not make for good relationships. You don't have to keep going back with them just because one of them calls. You don't have to be around people who harm you, family or not. Most people have family but that doesn't make them safe people.

Sound like you've endured YEARS of this mess. Take care of yourself because you can see your family isn't concerned about your wellbeing. You have to be concerned about your wellbeing.

And no, I wouldn't respond. I'm glad you haven't.   

[Cat of the Canals]

And my mother left a phone and text message that this Nstepgrand is in a nursing home at this point and that she is asking for me, to please go see her.

I haven't responded. Would you? Because with them, it's all or nothing. So if I do, it's going to be a fight on the boundaries, plus I don't want to think about a fight. Period.

The very wise advice I've been given here that I think applies to your situation is that the kindest and most respectful thing you can do for you and them is to be consistent in your boundaries. If that means not visiting (no matter the specifics of the scenario), then that means no visiting.

Besides that, it sounds like you've been manipulated in this exact way before. "So-and-so is in the hospital, and you must go see them!" Only for it to be used as another opportunity to remind you that you're the scapegoat by being abusive and mean.

[LoverofPeace]

Thank you so much and I agree with you all! I still have not called her back and I'm just hoping they leave me out of this issue. I didn't cause it and I cannot cure it.

I see now from growing up how much of a manipulation narcs put us through, making us think if we don't solve their issues, then we are the issue. What kind of mess is that? As the saying goes, not my circus and not my clowns. Not trying to clown the situation when it comes to an elder's health and financial issues, but she really should have wanted to start much sooner to avoid problems and see who she could have trusted. Now, it's a mess I do not want to inherit.

Hmmm, notice how inheritance can be more than about family money. It also can involve a family's mess. I say 'no thank you' to both and begin my own legacy of peace and prosperity that doesn't include the N life. Amen.

Thank you again. Sending you all prayers of love and great health!