High-Functioning uPD sib and guilt

LemonLime · August 14, 2021, 12:09:29 PM

Hi All,
I think I might have posted about this before but apparently it's till bugging me so wondered what you think.
My uPD sib (or maybe she just has traits, IDK) has seemed to resent me since childhood. I'm younger. We're the only 2 kids. I grew up just thinking "I wish she liked me". She wasn't exactly mean but I just somehow knew she didn't like me. My best friend loved her little sister and included her in our playtime. All I knew was that I was so so envious......a kid whose big sister LIKED her. OMG.
I remember my mom once saying to me "I don't know why Sister-of-Lemon Lime is not nice to you". I was mute, as I was most of my childhood. I watched in horror as my sister and mom bickered. I just wanted to be invisible so I was. I was obedient and made zero waves. Apparently this made sib even angrier because recently mom shared with me that sib used to accuse me (behind my back) of having a "map" of my bedroom and stuffed animals that enabled me to put the stuffed animals all in the exact same place every time so that my room would look perfect. Yep, she thought I was trying that hard to please parents (who couldn't care less if my room looked perfect).
My sib is very charming and pretty and fun and creative and passionate about many causes. She has also always had some sort of enemy at all times...someone who has done her wrong, who is being completely unreasonable. Sometimes she has targeted mom, sometimes but rarely dad, and mostly others outside the family. But she only rages at family.
I learned to keep my distance from her at a young age. Even though I didn't know why, because she had never raged at me. But looking back I guess I knew she wasn't trustworthy.
She became friendlier in our 20's and we did bond, mostly over my unhappiness with mom's controlling behaviors. Neither of my parent's are PDs but they are very very passive and non-confrontational. Mom is the ultimate codependent, raised by alcoholics. Dad says not much of anything and pretty much refuses to weigh in on "emotional topics". He seems to feel that is for women to figure out. They yelled at sib when sib raged but never really imposed any other consequences on her. They never established family norms or told her she was not allowed to rage. So I had absolutely no role-modeling of how to resolve conflict. Nobody told me raging is not normal and that it wasn't my fault. Nobody told me that it's OK to have emotions but not to behave irresponsibly.

I bonded with sib in adulthood but was not exactly totally warm. I know that I tempered my praise of her when she accomplished something. I would smile and say the right words, but my eyes did not smile. I was not quick to console her when I would hear (from another state) that she had had a breakup, a divorce, a burned house. She always had a drama de jour, and I got inured to it, and I am not proud of my lack of empathy.

She raged at me a few years ago (over dirty dishes) and we are LC, after she tried to hoover me and when that didn't work she is now ghosting me I think.
She wants me to believe it is all my fault and has told mom as much. I find myself feeling guilty still for not being a warm sister, even for the 20 years when we were good friends and shared a lot. I wasn't mean, but I kept her at arm's length.

In retrospect of course I think I was right to do so. Maybe I went overboard in self-protection, but apparently my body knew she was still not to be trusted. But I find myself sometimes believing her unsaid story that I am robotic and unempathetic and cold. In a way she is right....I withheld true unfettered support. I didn't fully and completely rejoice with her joys and empathize with her sorrows. I feel so guilty for that. And yet I know why I did it.

I'm sure she would say that her rage was due to my chilliness. And I would say my chilliness was due to my knowledge of her gossip and her rages. Even though the rages had abated as an adult I had witnessed enough of them for a lifetime.

I can't seem to find a way to put my guilt to bed. What would a therapist say, I don't know. I can't get therapy right now.
There is a grain of truth to what she says, is the problem. If she said I was a purple-people-eater, I would laugh because I know that is not true. But she is saying something that I know is partially true. I can't apologize to her because I fear she will take that as an admission that I am to blame for all her problems.

Why isn't she mad at mom (and dad) instead? Too difficult to be made at the elderly, maybe? Too difficult to be angry with parents who help her out financially? Is it just easier to be mad at me? I know for sure she felt like the SG growing up and that I was the GC. So maybe now it's my turn to be scapegoat?
Thanks you guys.

bunnie · August 14, 2021, 06:28:16 PM

The uNPDs in my life always include a grain of truth with their accusations and fault finding. That is on purpose, so that you'll identify with everything else they say. I remind myself that if they are entitled to lie and rage, then I'm entitled to have an improper and less than perfect reaction sometimes. I remain willing to admit and apologize when I've said or done the wrong thing. A sibling of mine is insisting on an apology before "forgiving" me. I know that if I were to apologize, any admission would be used against me forevermore. I have remained resolute with the position that I am willing to apologize for my part, IF AND ONLY IF, uNPD does the same. I hope that is helpful. Guilt is a tool used to abuse and NPDs never admit their own part in problems, but will bash us over the head with our guilt. It's not fair. My sibling rages and orders my parents around. They created this monster and she's a master at the divide and conquer game. They also control the $$$ and property that sibling has lived off of for decades.

LemonLime · August 15, 2021, 11:37:38 AM

Thank you bunnie, that is indeed very helpful. Sometimes I just need someone to take me by the shoulders and look me in the eye and remind me the PDs are, well.....disordered.
They certainly do not take responsibility for their part, and that is the problem. I am willing to take responsibility for my part, but not hers. And everytime I even think of apologizing I get an image of her smug face looking down at me condescendingly. And I just can't bring myself to do it. In general I believe that "keeping my side of the street clean" is the best way to peace for me, but I'm not willing to throw myself under the bus repeatedly.
Thank you for your kind and wise words, and I'm sorry you are treated so poorly by your sibling and others. You don't deserve it. And all of us here on this board are trying to make things better, which I want to give us credit for.

bunnie · August 15, 2021, 06:38:34 PM

You're welcome

and I agree

Sheppane · August 24, 2021, 03:03:43 AM

IME guilt is the force in these relationships to keep pulling you back in. People who didn't grow up in dysfunctional / addicted homes don't have this internal faulty sat nav ! It's like a different computer operating system where we very automatically go into guilt mode, it being the hook that reels us back in and keeps us connected to enmeshment / codependence etc. My question would be who's guilt is this ? I had to learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy/ toxic guilt and come to realise that healthy guilt means I have done something wrong. I just grew up always "feeling guilty " . And I learnt to be compliant, " nice", and not rock the boat to keep the peace. As I set more boundaries I got a kind of guilt pushback feeling - I felt like I was betraying the family by looking after myself - which of course I wasn't but the guilt is so hardwired it takes time for it to loosen. I was definitely the GC ( possibly because of compliance, caretaking, not rocking the boat ) but as soon as I started resigning from my position as caretaker/ sacrificing my own needs/ wants I became the SG. I have a sibling also who possibly used to see me as the GC and has a lot of resentment towards me , but now the roles appear to have switched as I have left the family dynamics. I'm still in contact but it is quite different now.

You say your body knew your sister is not to be trusted - I have learned through my journey that my body has a wisdom which I need to listen to. When my stomach clenches and I have a hot feeling in my gut around my sibling i know something is up and to be on my guard. Often I don't know what it is at the time but when I journal after I can see what it is. A flight / freeze response in ways when I don't necessarily see it in real time.

What I'm saying is trust your body. I can hear a lot of push/ pull in the relationship with your sister over the years and the desire for that healthy, unconditional loving relationship that many of us here long for. I spent a long time abandoning myself in these relationships, always hoping that maybe it would be different some day ...if only I tried harder / did something differently etc. But every rekationship is 50 / 50. We can only do our part , and when it is not reciprocal it hurts. You say you feel guilty for not being a warm sister ....but yet it sounds like you needed to protect yourself too , and no one needs to feel guilty for that. Sometimes the family detects we are pulling back/ protecting ourselves and we literally absorb guilt feelings, which are not ours at all in fact. It's the way we are subtly made to feel guilty.
So much more I could say - I need to run off now - stay strong and hand the guilt back!! You don't need to apologise to someone who has harmed you:))

Sheppane · August 24, 2021, 06:21:37 AM

"There is a grain of truth to what she says, is the problem. "

This is the other BIG part of the guilting. Just enough , a tiny , teeny weeny little sprinkle in there to make you think " oh yes she is right , the problem is actually with me, if only I had been warmer/ kinder ( or whatever )" .

Point being as someone else said these are disordered families, and that little piece just there is JUST ENOUGH to make you doubt yourself and doubt your own perceptions. And then ka boom ! Guilty feelings ! And maybe if we feel guilty enough we go along with the beliefs of " actually, they are right, I haven't always x/yz", and then we can go back in and attach in the way the FOO demands of us.

IME this is a really important part of my healing. To be able to stop at that point and say - hold on a minute , I'm doubting my own perceptions here - because once I get into self doubt about my perceptions/ feelings or my " right" to feel how I feel then I am at risk of abandoning myself completely and believing the other narrative.

In a healthy relationship it might be possible to say to someone " you know what, I want to apologise to you about the time that I X/YZ " and the healthy person would hear you, and possibly even tell you that that was not something that an apology was needed for , and even apologise themselves about something else in the recognition that we are all imperfect and that this is a healthy balanced relationship where it is ok to say something like that. It sounds like a part of you knows that apologising to your sister would be as you said throwing yourself under the bus and likely to be a very different interaction. I spent many years apologising to keep the peace. When I stopped I had an initial phase of feeling guilty. Then I realised I had nothing to feel guilty about. I realised I was picking up on induced feelings of guilt coming out at me from the FOO. Now I see those feelings coming at me like some kind of dark energy and send them back, knowing they don't belong to me.
Best of luck on your journey!

LemonLime · August 24, 2021, 10:00:42 AM

Thank you Sheppane. So much of what you say rings true for me. I am only now, in midlife, learning to listen to my body. It's so much wiser than I ever thought, and when I look back I had many physical reactions to interactions with my sister. She is quite sophisticated and smart, and whether it's conscious or unconscious, she seems to almost always know exactly how much guilt to "sprinkle" in there as you say, to stay under the radar but still create the outcome she wants. It's creepy, actually.

It's funny because I used to think she just had some unpleasant quirks (and that is still how my dad prefers to see her). And I thought these "quirks" were not connected to each other. But now I see it like an iceberg.....I was seeing pieces of the iceberg scattered over the ocean waves, not understanding that all those pieces that I saw were actually all part of one big iceberg that lies under the water.

It's sort of fascinating when I'm able to look at it dispassionately. The "contraptions" that our FOO use to get what they want. Of course, we humans all have "techniques" to get what we want, and if I'm honest I can see some of my own. Sort of how I go about my day, how I attempt to get my needs met. For instance I make sure to take the time to ask about my employees' day and take an interest in their lives. I do this both because I care and am interested, but also because it makes it so much easier to get them on board with my work agenda. So in a way I suppose it's a "technique". But what strikes me is the level of manipulation that the PD seems to feel entitled to. Maybe they do care a little about us, but there is an underlying control issue that seems much bigger than the caring part. And if we don't go along with what they want, my PD almost instantly turns from fawning to anger. Like on a dime.

Thank you so much for your wise and reassuring words, Sheppane. They mean a lot to me.

Sheppane · August 26, 2021, 01:34:19 AM

Maybe they do care a little about us, but there is an underlying control issue that seems much bigger than the caring part. And if we don't go along with what they want, my PD almost instantly turns from fawning to anger. Like on a dime.
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This is really helpful for me to hear because that's where I get stuck - I get caught in the belief around the first part telling myself " but I know she cares, deep down ". And when I go down that rabbit hole I start feeling sad / sorry for her for how she is with the net effect that I drop my guard and in very subtle ways open myself for more mistreatment/ or go back to break the ST that she has started or whatever the latest piece may be. It's also when I start saying but she's my sister, we are alike in lots of ways, deep down we are alike. But we are not alike at all. That's a trap. It is a longing for us to be bonded and connected in a healthy way but she makes choices which make that near impossible . Maybe it will change some day, I don't know but that will depend on her actions. My sister does exactly what you describe - turning like a dime from fawning to anger. It is so confusing. I'm in one of these phases at the moment - I was in favour for a few wks , getting messages and photos on Facebook, jokes , sending me notifications of events I'm interested in , and then - the switch after something very minor provoked her. So now it's total silence. So that other bigger underlying part you speak of is always what runs the show. When I see the " better " parts I forget about it , probably from satisfying some longing / desire / some sense of hope that actually maybe this is improving. Yet it always has the same pattern. Turns like a dime.

Thanks for sharing this