Cognitive Dissonance is very REAL!

[Simon]

Hi.

As some of you may know, I consider myself very fortunate not to have got as enmeshed with my BPDex Girlfriend as most you did, before the inevitable abuse and discard.
This has meant that my pain and recovery has been probably half of what most of you went through/are going through.

Despite all that, my current situation, and everything I know, the other day I found myself doubting something about my Ex that I know to be true.

So, I thought I'd post this, not just for anyone else that needs to hear it, but for myself too.

Are they BPD/NPD?
Psychologists say that people who aren't qualified to diagnose, shouldn't do so, and that's mainly good advice.
But when it comes to people who have Personality Disorders, who knows them better than those they shared a long, intimate relationship with, right?
We may not be allowed to officially diagnose people with these conditions, and announce to the world what they are (as much as we'd sometimes like to), but we know, don't we?
If we look at the traits in the DSM that BPD/NPD have, and we are honest and objective, we can get a good idea as to whether they are Personality Disordered, even if it is just for us to know.

For instance, my ex Girlfriend had ALL the traits of BPD, and almost all of the traits of NPD.
(I should mention that I was very careful to only include a trait if there was NO doubt).
Yet still, over the last year, I have called her condition into question.
Simple Cognitive Dissonance in full effect.

Did they abuse me mentally and emotionally?
We all know the answer to this one.
We knew it when we were in the relationship, but made excuses and concessions, and we know it more than ever now we're out and more knowledgeable about what went on.
But the human brain likes to block out pain for it's own protection, and highlight all the good things that you experienced.

So, you don't immediately remember all those times she called you by her ex's name (3 different ones in my experience, all for her to get a kick out of it), but you do remember the time she brought you a cup of coffee in bed once.
You don't remember that time you got home from work early to find her leaning up against the wall in the hallway, twirling her hair, all giggly and flirty with the guy who was there to read the gas meter (that actually happened. I've never seen her face go so red when I walked in!), but you do remember that one time she actually praised you in front of her friends.
And so on.

So yes, we were abused, but our brain will not admit to it without putting up a really good fight.
We know it's yes, but in the blink of an eye, we'll find ourselves doubting it.

Are they happy with the new supply?
If your ex is with someone else, unless you've been out for a very long time, chances are you are wondering this.
If we stop and think about what we went through, what we know we went through, then we know that they are going through the same thing as we did.
It's a pattern that the Personality Disordered person is doomed to repeat for the rest of their lives.
They've done it in ALL their past relationships, and they'll do it in ALL their future ones.
But we still think about it.
I know part of that is us seeking some sort of validation through wanting to see their relationship fail, which I imagine is normal and healthy.
But part of it is refusing to believe what we know to be true.

It's happening to me right now.
I have no interest in being with my ex, I'm happy with my new gf (taking it Very slow!), and having seen how awful my ex's new bf looks after being with her for a year, I have no reason to think they sat watching TV, all "Walton Family" happy!.
And yet I occasionally do.
(I should note that me saying what I did about how her new bf looks is not me making myself feel better. I would be aware of that, and would stop myself. The truth is, he has put on probably about 2-3 stone in that time, and looks very haggard. I don't really know him, but whenever I saw him before he was with her, he seemed cheerful, and pretty healthy. I actually feel sorry for him, but I'm not getting involved.)

Do they have Empathy?
No.
Some might say they are Empathy Impaired, but I disagree.
It's widely thought that NPD have zero Empathy, and BPDs have what's called "Cold Empathy".
Cold Empathy is knowing that something is hurting someone, without actually feeling the same emotions through sympathy or pity.
In other words, they know of it, but have no experience of it.
And that's the dangerous part.
If they know that they "should" feel empathy, then they know when to fake it.
And although it's usually very easy to spot, if you ignore your gut-feeling, you'll be reeled in.

My ex gf said to me in the first weeks, totally out of the blue, "I have a lot of Empathy. Too much in fact.".
I remember it because it wasn't something we were talking about at the time.
It came out of nowhere.
In hindsight, I think that's she's aware on some level that she doesn't, whether it's consciously or not I don't know, and feels the need to prove it.
She said it several times as the weeks went on.

But, Cognitive Dissonance once again makes us think that 'perhaps' they do have Empathy, because "remember that time....", etc.
In fact, I see evidence of it on some forums, where people feel the need to counter every negative thing they say about their BPD/NPD other with something positive, like they're trying to convince themselves as much as anyone else.

Do they/did they love me?
This is an easy one.
No!
Now, some people might be triggered by that answer, because it's a very painful thing to come to terms with, but the truth is, without Empathy, you cannot Love.
That is a cold, stark truth.
NPDs use people consciously, and BPDs confuse their feelings for Love, when it is in fact Need and Infatuation.
But, you guessed it, we will sometimes tell ourselves something which is not true, to make ourselves feel better, and we'll believe it ourselves!
Viola! Cognitive Dissonance!

Will they/can they change?
No.
You can pretend that they have the capacity to change, but NPDs don't see the need to change because they foolishly believe themselves to be perfect, and you always wrong and imperfect, and BPDs, while they'll sometimes say they'll commit to therapy, often don't follow through or commit to it, and lie to the therapist (which is an exercise in futility).
Where BPDs are concerned, I understand their hesitancy.
The 8-15 years that it takes just to get to a stage where they can manage their condition is supposed to be extremely painful, with deep-rooted therapy taking them back to the cause of their childhood pain/abuse/abandonment.
I don't envy anyone having to go through that, although it is the only way they'll ever have a chance at a normal relationship, and the only way that they will stop abusing and discarding people.

But guess what?
Cognitive Dissonance tells us that they're not really mentally ill, and that they're normal, rational people who can be reasoned with, and of course they can change if they really want to. 

One final thing.
Enabling.
When we're in a relationship with these people, we enable them.
We know that.
It's not our fault, because we're still in the fog.

But a worrying thing that I've noticed in various places is other people enabling NPDs/BPDs by proxy.
I'll give you an example that I saw recently on a board.
Someone posted about how emotionally abusive their partner was being, listing everything that had happened, and people replied supporting that person who was going through this nightmare.
All good.

Then, the next day, the original poster posted again saying something like "It's OK. We've sat down, talked about it for 20 minutes, they say they're going to be more understanding, and not be so abusive, and that they'd had a bad day at work, and they promise to change their ways. So it's OK now. I was wrong."
There then followed a few posts saying they were glad it was all OK, etc.

Hmm. 
Now, it could be true.
But to anyone that's been there, it sounds unlikely doesn't it?
Sure, it's good to give the benefit of the doubt to our other halves, if it's the first time it's happened.
But would the person be posting about abuse if it was the first time it happened?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in those situations people replying should state that while it's great that they've discussed it with their other half, that there are signs there that they should keep an eye on, and that empty promises and gaslighting are something they should research and be aware of as the relationship continues.

I mean, Cognitive Dissonance telling us that everything is fine when we're in the middle of the relationship is one thing, but people outside the relationship, looking in, should not fall for the same tricks.
If we don't tell the person that it could all be smoke and mirrors, manipulation, etc, then basically we're enabling someone else's NPD/BPD by proxy, and we're not the ones who will suffer from that.

Just my opinion.

Thanks for listening.
It felt good to get all that out.

Stay safe, have a good day, and love life! 

[Empie2204]

Simon, I couldn´t agree more with your observations. I still fight with cognitive dissonance and probably will be fighting in future, too.
I am speaking from the point of someone who is no longer living in an abusive relationship, but is still weak.
Since it is clear to me and since I know how it can take me to decisions I don´t want to make, I had to develop a sort of "resistance movement" in me.
Whenever I have doubts, I start feeling very bad and try to devalue the trigger that brought me to cognitive dissonance. If posssible I leave the place where the trigger happened or turn to other contents in the social situation.
It sounds a lot like an addiction rehab and it actually is. No need to deny.
I get aware of my bad feeling and start thinking as an athlete who runs a certain track: I say to myself that I have to endure until the end of the track and it will pass.

Hopefully some day I will find a better strategy. One thing is certain, although tempted so frequently, I don´t want to go back!

[Simon]

Hi Empie.

Yes, you're probably right.
We'll be fighting Cognitive Dissonance on and off for a while.
I've always liked to approach things head-on, and when I was discarded, I chose the same approach.
Sure, I had wanted out for a long time by then, which helped me, but as my mind played tricks on me as I tried to work out what I was dealing with, I felt the more pain that I experienced, the more I would come to terms with it, and the more I would remember it.
It worked very well, but was very painful and humbling, and I'm not sure I would recommend it to everyone.

I like your idea of devaluing the trigger.
I guess I did something similar during my recovery.
There were programs on the TV that we used to watch together, and at first I avoided watching them because they would trigger me.
Eventually I became quite stubborn and made myself watch them.
I can't remember who said it, but someone said "If memories are painful, make new ones.", and it's true.
Overwrite the triggers with new memories, and with better people.

Sad to see you say you are tempted so frequently, but equally glad to see you say that you don't want to go back.
And you're right.
It will pass.

One of my all-time favourite human beings, George Harrison, said the same thing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVx_8mj-UyE

Stay strong. 

[Empie2204]

Thank you. For your thoughts and the song.
The music itself helps me a lot to recover and fill my batteries.

[Simon]

You're welcome.

Music's always been important to me.
Got me through a lot of tough times.

Earlier I listened to random play from all of Royksopp's albums, and a couple of days ago it was random from all of Ben Folds' albums.



Great way to recharge the batteries.