Preparing to leave.

[Sullenlady]

Hi all,
I introduced myself and my situation over here earlier https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=78423.msg682255#msg682255

Just wanted to say hello in this forum, since its most relevant to my life right now. I also have a quick question for those who have left/are considering leaving.

Other than MC, gray rock, and placating until your plans are/were set, what did you do to keep conflict down and keep your plans hidden? I am nervous that I'm going to be found out, but still determined to go as soon as I can.

Thank you in advance!

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hello!

I kept everything at work.   This included all emails and making phone calls about the pending break-up.  There was nothing he could find if he snooped through my phone.   I went to see the lawyer during work and left my phone at the office (because he tracked me with the Find My Friends app)  I also started to sneak sentimental and valuable things out of the house (stored at work).

Although he knew things were bad, I caught him totally off-guard when I asked him to move out of my home (in front of witnesses) and at that point he knew there was no way to change my mind.  I think the 'element of surprise' worked in my favor because he didn't have days, weeks or months to beg and claim he would change.   And by doing it in front of other people he acted like a gentleman.  I am sure if we had been alone he would have run the range of emotions from crying to shouting to throwing things.  He was very worried about what other people thought of him so he would never have made a scene.

I want you to know that I stayed with him much, much, much longer than I should have because I was soooo manipulated into believing he would do any of the things he threated to do such as call my employer or my family and 'tell them all about me' or hurt himself.  The years of subtle threats worked and I was a wreck at the end.  But here is the good news!  He went away quietly.  He did none of the things he said he would do.  The real man behind the personality disorder was finally revealed.  He was an insecure man who had burned all his bridges with his family and friends.

I thank my lucky stars for the day I found this website.  There are so many people that post here who's stories and experience will resonate with you.
You are not alone.

((( hug )))

[openskyblue]

I had to leave my 20+ marriage to my NPD exhusband (possible sociopath) in secret. It took months to arrange and set up, so I feel you pain as you enter this process.

The best advice I got was to make haste carefully. I put systems in place so if push came to shove and I had to flee my home at a moment's notice, I could. I kept a change of clothes, prescriptions, important documents in my car and at my work. I scanned important documents, including my ex's financial papers and left the originals wherever he kept them. It was worth investing in a PO Box where you can get your mail. Start changing your address on credit cards, bank accounts, etc now, even if you aren't planning on moving. You never know how things will go. If you are moving, you may want to line up a place now, just so you have it and can go there. I spent many an hour sitting on the floor of my empty apartment decompressing. Along those lines, if you can arrange some weekends away to spend with a girlfriend or family, that can be the source of a break from the stress at home.

Given the many stories I have read here, I think it's worth taking extra precautions and to assume that your husband is stalking you and perhaps monitoring you in other ways.

[Sullenlady]

I want to thank you both for the thoughtful replies and tips... very good ideas that I will try. Actually do have a bug out bag packed for me and the pets in case of a quick needed exit.

Going to visit family alone this weekend (so stoked!!), so getting a lot of hoovering that I'm trying to handle with MC. It's going okay. I did make the huge mistake of trying to discuss some things just a while ago...Ugh. Totally knew better, but he was in a good mood,  so thought dialogue could be handled. NOPE.

It's still all my fault, no feelings are allowed unless they're his. None of it matters, because its not happening to him. I'm always going to be the scapegoat. So very sad and disturbing.

The good thing about my attempt at talking was basically that I'm right in making this heartwrenching choice to leave this abuse. I deserve better, and he deserves this too. Perspective, I suppose.

I do think a secret/surprise exit is the best way to go here. He's escalating and stalking, and I am scared.

Thank you so very much. Being strong when you don't want to is so very difficult.

[Latchkey]

Hi Sullenlady,

There is a checklist here for leaving that might help you as you prepare with practical advice:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=66.0

Also if you are concerned about property damage, violence to you or to himself, and stalking (cyber or otherwise) then you need to be even more cautious. The leaving time is one of the most dangerous and I can attest that in both my divorces with PDs that the last few months, weeks I saw behaviors I had never seen before.

Here is a link on creating a Safety Plan or Kit and a checklist for leaving

Keep us posted and enjoy the weekend away.

Latchkey

[Sullenlady]

Thanks Latchkey
Those checklists are great tools for me. Hoping to enjoy my weekend away, but nervous too. H has a habit of incessantly texting all day every day, so expecting hooverish texts or nasty passive aggressive ones if I'm not answering immediately.
Fairly certain I'm being monitored and stalked so am planning on having my laptop and phone looked at for spy type stuff.

Thanks for the wonderful advice all.

[openskyblue]

Hang in there, Sullenlady!  I'm glad you will be able to get some time away this weekend.

[Sullenlady]

Thanks again all for the support.
Had a nice time away, got to enjoy my long weekend for the most part. Dealt with a lot of lovebombing type texts and guilt trip texts, but I ignored a lot of it.
There were keyloggers on my computer and phone,  which are now removed, so the spying is going to stop in the electronic realm.
Also, after all the sweet texts he sent while away, he gets upset not 5 minutes after i arrive home bc I said 'It's nice to be home ' instead of 'I'm happy to see you '.  Then got told I didn't care, wasn't interested in him,  blah blah. Uh. Let me in the door more than 5 min before you start maybe???

So whatever. Time away did nothing but make me more determined. This is exhausting.

[openskyblue]

Wow, key loggers on your phone and computer?!  That's a big discovery.

He'll know that you know he was stalking you via your devices. Be prepared for an increase in hoovering/rage.

[Sullenlady]

I fully expect the hoovering, and expect him to be passive aggressive in his rage until he can't hold it in anymore and blows up.

Since returning, I've found evidence of him going through my things while I was away and taking insignificant items he gifted me (koozies, stickers, cards) away from me, and hiding them in his chair. I guess he's waiting for me to ask him where they are so he can start something, not real sure, but just feel like he's setting me up to unload on me sometime soon.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Since returning, I've found evidence of him going through my things while I was away and taking insignificant items he gifted me (koozies, stickers, cards) away from me, and hiding them in his chair. I guess he's waiting for me to ask him where they are so he can start something, not real sure, but just feel like he's setting me up to unload on me sometime soon.

Yes, setting people up is right out of the PD playbook.  If he is hiding things from you that could be a form of gaslighting which is a 'game' to make you feel crazy.  Or in my case, my exBF would hide gifts he gave me and when I asked about them he would say I didn't like or appreciate the gift enough so he took it back.   

In a relationship with a person who has a personality disorder you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don't. 

I hope you changed all your passwords (iTunes/cloud) after you found those keyloggers!

(((hug )))

[Sullenlady]

Its just insane to me. Okay take silly stuff all you want, I'm not saying a word, its not a punishment or a game I'm playing if its not acknowledged.

I feel like he'll sit on it then mention it as a way to say I don't appreciate the things he gives me. So maddening.

And yes, I changed every password to everything before I came home.  Have noticed a few attempts from his phone to get into my email and my cloud where i store photos, which I think spurred this taking my stuff thing.

>hugs< thanks for your support!!