The scapegoat marries the golden child

[gettingstronger1]

After conversations with my husband, I am starting to realize that he was a golden child in his family.  I was the scapegoat in my family of origin, and also with his mother.  As a result we are having difficulty communicating with each other and understanding each other's perspective. He says his mother treated him well as a child. Meanwhile his brother and sister were being abused.
In the present day his mother is abusive of me.  I feel hurt that even though she abused me my husband still wants to go visit her.  I feel like his visiting her gives my mil the unspoken message that it is ok to abuse my wife and run her off, I will still come visit you and leave my wife at home alone.  The unspoken message he gives me is I know my mom abuses you but my priority is my mother not you. I understand that their relationship is powerful. She is his mother and he wants to see her her knowing she abused me. I know he is an adult and I can't tell him what to do.  It is just painful to me that he wants to visit her knowing how badly she treats me. How do I handle this sadness I feel, but not make the mistake of telling him what to do about visiting his mother?
How have you guys handled the issue of the wife going non contact, but the son still visiting his mom?

[gettingstronger1]

Just a quick note of clarification of this post. I made it sound like my husband didn't talk to his mother about her behavior. He did talk to her she just said the behavior would continue. So he still wants to visit which sends her mixed messages, but I can't do anything about it because I shouldn't tell him what to do. Sorry if this is confusing. I realize I am trying to work within a dysfunctional system that is not working.

[Leonor]

Hello Getting Stronger and welcome!

I am so sorry for your pain; I totally understand.

I'd like to share my thoughts in the hopes that you know you're not alone

It's common to hear that the scapegoat child is abused and the golden child is treasured. The truth (as a former gc now scapegoat) is that the sg and the gc are both abused to the same extent and often in the same ways. The difference is that the abusing parent *tells* the children they are inherently different as part of the abuse cycle: it's brainwashing to manipulate the children's feelings and actions.

It's hard when you're hurt and your current life triggers post traumatic reactions to your past abuse. But if you could approach this situation as your dh being abused as opposed to doing something abusive to you, your pain might alleviate a bit.

Acknowledging that your dh is being abused allows you to reframe the dynamic: my dh's mom is abusive and it reminds me that I was abused. I deserve to heal from this pain.

Can you change your mil, your dh or their relationship? No. But as many wise posters here have reminded me, you can change your relationship towards theirs. Once you remove yourself from an abusive triangle emotionally (m/f is abusing me and m/f is not protecting me: this is the essence of ptsd in abused children), you can step outside and even offer your h a perspective from an empowered place.

If you listen carefully, you'll hear that when your dh talks about his m, he's most likely describing abuse:

"Your mom wants you to spend your day off fixing her faucet? That's a bummer way to spend a Saturday. I'm going out with friends, so maybe we can watch a movie and order Chinese food for a late dinner."

"Your mom says you were nicer before we got married? I'm sorry she doesn't validate you."

"When you were little your m said you were her reason for living? That is a terrible burden for a grown woman to place on a little child. I'm sorry."

I would also so encourage you to seek support just for you and your healing and extricate yourself from their relationship as much as possible. You're not giving in and you're not losing: you're modeling health and peace, which is why your dh fell in love with you in the first place: he desperately wants to heal his soul in the context of a loving and real relationship with you; he just doesn't know how (experience tip: don't JADE, just do).

Wellness to you

[Consumed]

Approximately how often is he seeing her?

[Leonor]

We live 1/2 year in one country and 1/2 in his. When we're there, he visits mil 1 a week (without me) we see fil every other day or so and h and kids talk to him at least once per day. When we're in my country, they Skype once per week. Oh, and when we're there, we live 1 block away from them! 

[Poison Ivy]

I don't know whether I or my ex-husband was a golden child or a scapegoat.  I do know that my ex-husband chose to make his parents his priority and that he did so despite his father treating me poorly.  My former father-in-law also has treated my ex-husband, his other children (my ex's siblings), our children, and our niece and nephews poorly.  Those things apparently didn't matter to my ex; he still chose to jump back into the fire by becoming his parents' full-time caregiver. 

[gettingstronger1]

Leonore,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. It is helpful to know that I am not the only person dealing with this.  Obviously I would never wish this experience on you, but it helps to know I am not alone, because it is definitely not something people really talk about.

It's common to hear that the scapegoat child is abused and the golden child is treasured. The truth (as a former gc now scapegoat) is that the sg and the gc are both abused to the same extent and often in the same ways. The difference is that the abusing parent *tells* the children they are inherently different as part of the abuse cycle: it's brainwashing to manipulate the children's feelings and actions.

I agree with what you are saying.  I have tried to tell my husband that some of the things his mother did to him were not very loving and sometimes abusive.  When I try to talk to my husband about the fact that the things she did were not loving he gets defensive and angry.  You are right, it becomes time to step back and let him come to terms with his mother in his own way.

Can you change your mil, your dh or their relationship? No. But as many wise posters here have reminded me, you can change your relationship towards theirs. Once you remove yourself from an abusive triangle emotionally (m/f is abusing me and m/f is not protecting me: this is the essence of ptsd in abused children), you can step outside and even offer your h a perspective from an empowered place.

I would also so encourage you to seek support just for you and your healing and extricate yourself from their relationship as much as possible. You're not giving in and you're not losing: you're modeling health and peace, which is why your dh fell in love with you in the first place: he desperately wants to heal his soul in the context of a loving and real relationship with you; he just doesn't know how (experience tip: don't JADE, just do).

This makes sense.  That is a better way to look at it.  Thank you.  I appreciate everyone's feedback.

[Consumed]

We live 1/2 year in one country and 1/2 in his. When we're there, he visits mil 1 a week (without me) we see fil every other day or so and h and kids talk to him at least once per day. When we're in my country, they Skype once per week. Oh, and when we're there, we live 1 block away from them! 

Leonor, I just wondered if it bothered you that your husband sees his mother weekly without you? Do you not feel resentful in any way that he is spending time with her after I assume she has not treated you well which is why you don't go?

[all4peace]

This is such a painful dynamic, and I can very much understand the feeling of being betrayed. It isn't my situation, but it is exactly the dynamic between my beloved brother and his dear wife. It has created a lot of pain in their marriage because dear B keeps trying to spend time with our neglectful and ignoring M, despite the manipulation, control and chaos M brought into their lives (so bad that my dear SIL quit her job in the family business to bring peace to their lives).

I don't have any answers, but I do want to validate for you that if I were in your situation it would feel very painful to me. One thing I have learned in therapy is ways to express that pain, rather than letting it fester inside where it can build up resentment and damage. I don't have answers for how frequently or exactly how to express it, but I think it is your fundamental right as a human to express to your DH that it hurts, and why.

One way that my DB and dSIL have dealt with it is that they are almost always together when with my parents. When SIL would be alone, even for 1 min, uNBPDm would find some way to drop ugly comments or do something manipulative and button pushing to my SIL, and when SIL would complain to DB she would look like a complaining, troublesome person (which she is not), and so she has learned to never, ever be alone with uNBPDm. It helps somewhat, but it also means she needs to be in the presence of someone she doesn't trust one single bit.

This stuff is hard.

[bloomie]

After conversations with my husband, I am starting to realize that he was a golden child in his family.  I was the scapegoat in my family of origin, and also with his mother.  As a result we are having difficulty communicating with each other and understanding each other's perspective. He says his mother treated him well as a child. Meanwhile his brother and sister were being abused.
In the present day his mother is abusive of me.  I feel hurt that even though she abused me my husband still wants to go visit her.  I feel like his visiting her gives my mil the unspoken message that it is ok to abuse my wife and run her off, I will still come visit you and leave my wife at home alone.  The unspoken message he gives me is I know my mom abuses you but my priority is my mother not you. I understand that their relationship is powerful. She is his mother and he wants to see her her knowing she abused me. I know he is an adult and I can't tell him what to do.  It is just painful to me that he wants to visit her knowing how badly she treats me. How do I handle this sadness I feel, but not make the mistake of telling him what to do about visiting his mother?
How have you guys handled the issue of the wife going non contact, but the son still visiting his mom?

gettingstronger1 - I have such compassion for the really difficult spot you are in.

My DH is the prize for my uPDmil and uPDsil. The one and only thing they seem to care about and want is a possessive kind of ownership and alliance with my DH. Both have positioned themselves as rivals and have covertly and overtly waged war for the number one place in my DH's heart and life from the beginning of our relationship. It took me awhile to really see and understand that I and my children, are placeholders in their family dynamic. We are part of the optics of a "normal" and "loving" extended family at holiday and events they care about.

No two circumstances are alike, but I can say that what all4peace describes here was my own reality for a long time:

When SIL would be alone, even for 1 min, uNBPDm would find some way to drop ugly comments or doing something manipulative and button pushing to my SIL, and when SIL would complain to DB she would look like a complaining, troublesome person (which she is not), and so she has learned to never, ever be alone with uNBPDm. It helps somewhat, but it also means she needs to be in the presence of someone she doesn't trust one single bit.

Even though my own DH was protective and would speak up in a similar way to yours, there were zero consequences for toxic behaviors. It was a toothless tiger kind of situation  - so, the assumptions was I "made" my DH speak up - because that is what women do they control their H's - and in a unhealthy way, objections to behaviors without boundaries and consequences only emboldened and empowered aggressive, competitive, cunningly manipulative and malevolent behaviors and an atmosphere of risk for me.

Mil and sil assumed an alliance with DH...an unspoken, back room type of understanding that he was going along and speaking up to get along with me (this was demanded of me - that I needed to stop having him speak up to them, that they knew I was telling him to do this) , but that their sacrosanct bond would be maintained behind my back. And they continue to seek connection to this day with him alone through all kinds of channels in ways that are highly invalidating of our marriage that attempt to cut me out. Regularly testing his resolve and priorities and ability to discern the true intent behind the mask of love and desire for time with him or need of him. Always looking for a wobble in their direction. It's weird.

All of this left my own DH like this:  stumbling and bumbling and giving really mixed messages to one and all. And all of the inconsistencies were doing a lot of harm and damage to our relationship and how I believed I was regarded in the midst of it all and for a long time he couldn't see how incredibly disrespectful and invalidating their view of him - as some kind of a weak willed man who could be 'managed' by women. 

Bottom line for me in all of this became - this was a "we" problem (a term all4peace has introduced me to here on the boards) and much of the time it was treated as a "me" problem. So, how to get to a place of unity and mutual understanding with my own DH in all of this tangled web of PDness?

I started with what I could control, change, cure, own, grow in. 

I got individual therapy and mentoring and I began to get healthy... or healthier.  I began to learn to set internal and external boundaries with consequences for what is in my circle of influence... my home, my time, my resources, myself.

I began to lift up and out of the mire and muck and emotional angst and I broke free and was at peace and content and disengaged. I had tools and skills to handle the times when contact is unavoidable. I left DH on the frontlines if that is where he chose to stay in full contact with it all with only a MC: "Oh, I'm sorry that happened." when something egregious was once again said and done that hurt him, confused him, or gave him the heebie jeebies. I didn't try and "help" him get Out of the FOG. I simply began living Out of the FOG.

I put on beige and zipped my lips and lived my boundaries. And in time he began to want to join me there. I believe it was a bit of a combo - my joy in life had returned, I was at peace, he was all by himself in full contact with people he finally was able to see and admit he didn't want close contact with.

It has been a journey and I am thankful to say we are now in unity and lock step. He has sought individual T and has a group of men he regularly meets with to grow and learn with. He is responsible for his mother's well being and is faithful to tend to that, but has healthy limits in place and can see through the tactics and PA comments and behaviors.

We have developed ways to communicate at a vLC and MC maintained level of contact within this toxic family system that work to keep us safe and at arms length from particularly divisive family members most of the time. We are committed to communicating consistent messages to each other and to others - because this is what love truly looks like and what is kind and considerate treatment of others. Out of confusion our mixed messages of the past were unhealthy and unkind. We have come to own that and understand that. It has been progress, not perfection as we continue to learn and grow through what are terrible difficult familial relationship dynamics.

There is hope. Keep loving your DH and keep working toward your goals of healing and wholeness. At times I let my emotions get bigger than I am and that was overwhelming for both of us. Take things one day at a time and continue your own good work and journey. In time, your own situation may stabilize to look very different from ours, but when we begin to break free from the specter of our in law family and our H's confusion and fleas in all of that, when we lift up out of the mire of it all it creates a new atmosphere around us that will bring you to a place of peace in it all.

I have written a lot of words here and my hope is that you will be encouraged somehow. Take what is helpful and leave the rest.

[all4peace]

I love all that Bloomie shares.

Popping back on to add one thing. My dear SIL tells me that my dear B does still dutifully reach out to our parents, but he is becoming more and more aware of what true love looks like and where his loyalties truly are. The more calm and quiet SIL has become (I'm not saying this should be your goal, just relaying what has worked for them), the less SIL looks like "the problem" and the more our uNBPDm's toxic behaviors stand out in contrast. DB has been left to face these behaviors within his own self, and this is probably bringing him Out of the FOG faster than anything I or dear SIL have said.

I think what I'm trying to say is that it can feel incredibly disloyal to be in your position, but maybe 2 truths can be present at the same time. Maybe our mates can see their parents' toxic and abusive behavior AND they can feel loyalty to us. We would prefer that their loyalty led them to a different behavior, but perhaps they simply see it differently.

My DB persists in attempting to reach out to our parents while simultaneously saying he feels "no emotional connection at all" to them. He has expressed deep appreciation and gratitude for his wife, children and siblings, and deep emotional connection with all of them, and yet he still makes significant effort (often more effort) for our parents than some of his other "truer" relationships.

I think it will eventually settle out over time, or maybe he will always feel a sense of obligation to them that others do not feel. Regardless, his wife and I, his sister, try to rest secure in the authenticity of our bond with him and each other.

I know I keep saying this, but this stuff is so hard, so complicated. There are so many layers, angles and depths. Just adding these thoughts to the rest.

[Pepin]

After conversations with my husband, I am starting to realize that he was a golden child in his family.  I was the scapegoat in my family of origin, and also with his mother.  As a result we are having difficulty communicating with each other and understanding each other's perspective. He says his mother treated him well as a child. Meanwhile his brother and sister were being abused.
In the present day his mother is abusive of me.  I feel hurt that even though she abused me my husband still wants to go visit her.  I feel like his visiting her gives my mil the unspoken message that it is ok to abuse my wife and run her off, I will still come visit you and leave my wife at home alone.  The unspoken message he gives me is I know my mom abuses you but my priority is my mother not you. I understand that their relationship is powerful. She is his mother and he wants to see her her knowing she abused me. I know he is an adult and I can't tell him what to do.  It is just painful to me that he wants to visit her knowing how badly she treats me. How do I handle this sadness I feel, but not make the mistake of telling him what to do about visiting his mother?
How have you guys handled the issue of the wife going non contact, but the son still visiting his mom?

I get this...and have written about this here in the past.  Though I am not sure that my DH realizes that PDmil has dished out abuse at me.  He is still stuck in the thinking: she doesn't know any better and that is just the way she is.     Sure.  She is just the way she is.  Exactly.  But, she does know better and chooses not to.  My husband sees PDmil nearly every weekend out of obligation to take care of her to do list.  Does he enjoy it?  No.  But he claims he has a loyalty to his family that he must follow through with.  Do I have to go with him?  I thought I did and did for many years.  And then I snapped out of it when I realized that I was bored and wasting my time.  It was clear that PDmil didn't want to visit with me; she only wanted DH.  And because I was so "chill" about everything, I ultimately was labeled the favorite of the spouses that married into Dh's family: because I let my husband do what he wanted, which was to visit his mom and take care of her needs without objection.  So wrong on many levels...I was a doormat and window dressing and nothing else.

It's common to hear that the scapegoat child is abused and the golden child is treasured. The truth (as a former gc now scapegoat) is that the sg and the gc are both abused to the same extent and often in the same ways. The difference is that the abusing parent *tells* the children they are inherently different as part of the abuse cycle: it's brainwashing to manipulate the children's feelings and actions.

Acknowledging that your dh is being abused allows you to reframe the dynamic: my dh's mom is abusive and it reminds me that I was abused. I deserve to heal from this pain.

Can you change your mil, your dh or their relationship? No. But as many wise posters here have reminded me, you can change your relationship towards theirs. Once you remove yourself from an abusive triangle emotionally (m/f is abusing me and m/f is not protecting me: this is the essence of ptsd in abused children), you can step outside and even offer your h a perspective from an empowered place.

If you listen carefully, you'll hear that when your dh talks about his m, he's most likely describing abuse:

"Your mom wants you to spend your day off fixing her faucet? That's a bummer way to spend a Saturday. I'm going out with friends, so maybe we can watch a movie and order Chinese food for a late dinner."

Absolutely.  Both the GC and SG are abused.  As the GC, my DH is on a pedestal because he gets things done for PDmil.  He is rewarded for getting things done and for essentially helping PDmil throughout her life.  She could not have gotten to where she is without his help, which started when he was very young.  Seemed that all she could manage was working one job and some light house and yard work at home.  Other tasks were too complicated for her...like accounting and home repair that would require being sourced out.  Taxes, forget it.  Reading and going through mail....forget it.  She clearly lived in a very tiny world that revolved around routine. 

After I stopped going with DH to visit PDmil, his visits alone with her became shorter.  Perhaps he realized the lunacy of spending most of a weekend day with her.  It was freaking exhausting and boring as hell.  The visit are only about getting things done and not "visiting."

The other siblings were also subjected to similar behavior when they were under the roof but that ended when two moved out of state.  The youngest sibling was treated as the SG, at PDmil's beck and call for many years....but interesting turned the tables and managed to get some payback from PDmil, in a very covert manner.  Of course PDmil was steamed after she realized that she was taken advantage of -- her own cards used against her.  Touche.

My DH is the prize for my uPDmil and uPDsil. The one and only thing they seem to care about and want is a possessive kind of ownership and alliance with my DH. Both have positioned themselves as rivals and have covertly and overtly waged war for the number one place in my DH's heart and life from the beginning of our relationship. It took me awhile to really see and understand that I and my children, are placeholders in their family dynamic. We are part of the optics of a "normal" and "loving" extended family at holiday and events they care about.

Even though my own DH was protective and would speak up in a similar way to yours, there were zero consequences for toxic behaviors. It was a toothless tiger kind of situation  - so, the assumptions was I "made" my DH speak up - because that is what women do they control their H's - and in a unhealthy way, objections to behaviors without boundaries and consequences only emboldened and empowered aggressive, competitive, cunningly manipulative and malevolent behaviors and an atmosphere of risk for me.

I put on beige and zipped my lips and lived my boundaries. And in time he began to want to join me there. I believe it was a bit of a combo - my joy in life had returned, I was at peace, he was all by himself in full contact with people he finally was able to see and admit he didn't want close contact with.

There is hope. Keep loving your DH and keep working toward your goals of healing and wholeness. At times I let my emotions get bigger than I am and that was overwhelming for both of us. Take things one day at a time and continue your own good work and journey. In time, your own situation may stabilize to look very different from ours, but when we begin to break free from the specter of our in law family and our H's confusion and fleas in all of that, when we lift up out of the mire of it all it creates a new atmosphere around us that will bring you to a place of peace in it all.

Specifically the part in bold...man...can I relate.  Took me years to understand why PDmil insisted on bombarding our holidays with her presence: because I was the only one who did it "right".  She gravitated our way because she liked what I had to offer and because she had unlimited access to her son while I was busy being hostess and Mom. 

How dare I nudge DH to speak up to his own mother with regards to her trying to insert and have some control at these holiday gatherings that were hosted at our home!     She was asked only to be a guest but that wasn't enough for her.  I don't know why I bothered to create menus, shop and clean up the house for her.  All the times she showed up with "her" food that clashed with what we were having became too much -- and it was too much food anyway.  Sickening, really.  But, she needed that control.  Couldn't suck it up and just be a guest.

As a result, since DH spoke up a few times, she withdrew.  She not only withdrew from me, she started to go after our kids....who ultimately figured out her game and they withdrew from her.  SO, now she doesn't speak to any of us, just DH. 

I have gone on to live my life as though she doesn't exist.  She isn't a part of my world and honestly has no place other than to be a bunch of teaching moments.  I certainly learned to stop being a doormat with her even though I was the SG in my family growing up.  It was horrible that I allowed myself to fall into that trap again -- I just hadn't had enough experience with different kinds of PDs.   

As for DH, he can figure it out on his own.  I generally have no concern about his relationship with his mother.  In my opinion, he is missing out on life by spending time with her as her servant.  I do find it fascinating that he NEVER shares details about what he does for his mother with anyone...but he sure loves telling me about details about his friends and their mothers.  I think he would be highly embarrassed if anyone knew he but cannot seem to find a way out at the moment....and honestly, he won't be free until she is gone.  She continually changes her game. 

[gettingstronger1]

I don't know whether I or my ex-husband was a golden child or a scapegoat.  I do know that my ex-husband chose to make his parents his priority and that he did so despite his father treating me poorly.  My former father-in-law also has treated my ex-husband, his other children (my ex's siblings), our children, and our niece and nephews poorly.  Those things apparently didn't matter to my ex; he still chose to jump back into the fire by becoming his parents' full-time caregiver.

Poison Ivy, I am sorry that you had to deal with the pain your ex-husband and his parents caused you.  It is hurtful when your spouse makes his parents a priority when he knows that his parents don't treat you well.  Thank you to you and all the others who responded to this post.  One thing that I am noticing is that this is a very common problem, and our situations are all eerily similar.  The PD in laws behave in very similar ways.  There seems to be a pattern of bad behavior, denial of the behavior when you try to talk to them about it, a refusal to apologize and a refusal to change.  Many PD parents hold the false belief that it is ok to say and do anything they want and that the adult child has absolutely no right to stand up for themselves.  Of course there is also the the lack of empathy for others which is the hallmark of personality disorders.

I don't have any answers, but I do want to validate for you that if I were in your situation it would feel very painful to me. One thing I have learned in therapy is ways to express that pain, rather than letting it fester inside where it can build up resentment and damage. I don't have answers for how frequently or exactly how to express it, but I think it is your fundamental right as a human to express to your DH that it hurts, and why.

All4peace, I really appreciate your validation of my feelings. I do express to my husband my feelings of hurt, but I am also trying really hard to understand his perspective too.  Thanks also for sharing the experience of your brother and sister in law.

The more calm and quiet SIL has become (I'm not saying this should be your goal, just relaying what has worked for them), the less SIL looks like "the problem" and the more our uNBPDm's toxic behaviors stand out in contrast. DB has been left to face these behaviors within his own self, and this is probably bringing him Out of the FOG faster than anything I or dear SIL have said.

This is also a good point.  Stepping back and allowing our husbands to see these behaviors on their own is probably more effective than me pointing out these behaviors.  I can't and shouldn't try to change someone.  Only they can decide to change or not change.  I believe that Bloomie was making a very similar point and it sounds like it really worked well for her too.

I didn't try and "help" him get Out of the FOG. I simply began living Out of the FOG.

I put on beige and zipped my lips and lived my boundaries. And in time he began to want to join me there. I believe it was a bit of a combo - my joy in life had returned, I was at peace, he was all by himself in full contact with people he finally was able to see and admit he didn't want close contact with.

I like that.  "I didn't try to "help" him Out of the FOG.  I began living Out of the FOG."  Teach by example instead of lecturing.

I certainly learned to stop being a doormat with her even though I was the SG in my family growing up.  It was horrible that I allowed myself to fall into that trap again -- I just hadn't had enough experience with different kinds of PDs.   

Pepin, I can relate to that feeling too.  I was a doormat with my FOO and then I experience it again with his mother.  I asked myself "How in the hell did I get myself in a situation where I am cooking and cleaning for a woman who just eviscerated me 24 hours before?  What is wrong with this picture and WHY am I still here?" It was becoming obvious to me that I needed to exit this situation, and quickly.

Thank you again for your great responses and support. 

[Leonor]

Hi Stronger,

Oh it used to bother me to distraction, to stress-induced illness, to sleepless nights and long, hurting days.

Some days it still does. I'm not the Happy Family Fairy in their family ... And I'm not the Happy Fairy Family in mine either.

I think that's the key ... To live in reality instead of this evil queen/prince charming/captive princess narrative abusive parents like to set up with married adult children. You're no captive princess! You're a grown woman who lives in reality, and you're done playing dress up with the little old lady acting like a pain in the corner.

The more you can breathe, ground yourself, get fresh air, connect with activities and people that bring you joy,  the less of a pain that little old lady will be for you ... Without her changing, at all.

[gettingstronger1]

I think that's the key ... To live in reality instead of this evil queen/prince charming/captive princess narrative abusive parents like to set up with married adult children. You're no captive princess! You're a grown woman who lives in reality, and you're done playing dress up with the little old lady acting like a pain in the corner.

I am definitely ready to start living in reality and to tell the truth of what is really going on.  Dysfunctional systems definitely don't like it when you start telling the truth, and they punish you severely for telling the truth of what is happening to you.  I had been patient and kind to my NPD MIL for 18 years. I never once complained.  The very first time I state what the problems are I am immediately and permanently disowned. So technically my NPD MIL initiated the non contact.  She has followed through and has given me the silent treatment ever since.  She has made zero attempt to solve the problem and has told us she will not change.

One thing that I do need to clarify that might be confusing in my post is regarding my hurt feelings of whether my husband will visit his mother in the future. The blowup occured in July at our last visit.  We don't usually visit again until Christmas.  We live 12 hours away, so he has not actually visited yet.  We are planning for what to do about our future visits that usually occur at Christmas, spring break, and July.  His mom canceled their visit to see us in October.  Luckily we are not in a situation where we live close and have to see them every week.  We are just trying to make a decision about what we will do for the next visit.  Since his mother has told us she will not change her behavior, none of us will be visiting for the foreseeable future. After that my husband wants to reevaluate and see if there is any change in her behavior.  He just doesn't want to be in a situation where he never sees her again before she dies. She is very old but still very healthy.  I understand how he could feel that way so that is the compromise we have arrived at.  I hope this clarifies the situation better.   

At any rate, peace to all of you who are struggling with similar things.  It helps to know that I am not alone.