Is all just a weapon to bash us with

[GentleSoul]

As I (gratefully) come further Out of the FOG, a baby step at a time, I can see that all the topics my uPD husband goes on about are purely weapons to bash me with.

It feels like over the years, he has seen what issues I respond to so uses them to manipulate/bash me with.  Ok, I knew that but suddenly I see it so more clearly.   He has a set he uses.  Same old, same old.  Same old, same even older, blow the dust off them.

They are all absolute rubbish.  They could be anything.  In no way does he believe that any of them are use, they are literally like clubs to bop me over the head with when he wants something.  Attention/item manipulation.

Seeing it this clearly, makes it so much easier for me to Medium Chill it.   My magical "oh" and walk away.

Also anything he spots in me that is an indication there is something I don't want him to do.  Is like his birthday, me giving him a gift.  A new thing he can use to provoke a reaction in me aka N supply. I find by me using awareness and when he does things I do like, as example hanging around me when I am trying to do something, if I act like I dont mind.  He will stop. 

I notice he often will ask my opinion on something so he can then do the exact opposite.  Hence I live in "oh, I don't mind, it's up to you".   Zero for him to grab onto. 

He is dying and sleeps much of the time now.  My peace is getting greater.  I am eagerly learning from him so I never ever ever ever ever ever and one more ever, hook up with a PD again.  He is very physically incapacitated now.   Needs help dressing, washing, food cut up etc. 

I used to often to help with various care he needs.  I stopped, he even uses these offers of help to mess me about.  So I step away and let him struggle.  This feels uncomfortable to me but it is how it has to be.

Peace to you all.

[losingmyself]

I wish you peace and strength, gentlesoul.

[losingmyself]

I'm sure I can't understand your situation, it must be so difficult. But you mentioned how it's hard to let him struggle when he needs care, and makes it unpleasant for you, so you just step away. It's because you're good person, and that's what good people do.
I'll never understand the minds of people who are mean to their spouses when they need care, and their spouses are obviously helping the best they can. How can a person be that way??
Is it because they are threatened, and have never been the weaker one? So with their words and attitude, they still have to let you know who's in charge?
I have been trying to let my H understand that words have consequences, so if he says no birthday present, if he does nothing but bitch about Christmas when I am just trying to hold it together, he gets nothing.
I don't even care anymore.
I pray that you keep getting more time to yourself, and make a good life for yourself

[GentleSoul]

I wish you peace and strength, gentlesoul.

Thank you so much.  It is an absolute rollercoaster of emotions.  Sending kind thoughts to you.

[GentleSoul]

I'm sure I can't understand your situation, it must be so difficult. But you mentioned how it's hard to let him struggle when he needs care, and makes it unpleasant for you, so you just step away. It's because you're good person, and that's what good people do.
I'll never understand the minds of people who are mean to their spouses when they need care, and their spouses are obviously helping the best they can. How can a person be that way??
Is it because they are threatened, and have never been the weaker one? So with their words and attitude, they still have to let you know who's in charge?
I have been trying to let my H understand that words have consequences, so if he says no birthday present, if he does nothing but bitch about Christmas when I am just trying to hold it together, he gets nothing.
I don't even care anymore.
I pray that you keep getting more time to yourself, and make a good life for yourself

Good work in letting your H understand that words have consequences, I have been doing similar with mine.  One of his "things" is to mess me about and say he doesn't want an evening meal, then come the evening, he gets nasty if a meal does not appear!  He often say he does not want things but gets nasty if I do not get them.  Your example of a birthday present is one of the issues here.  He says he wants nothing, however if presents don't appear, again he gets nasty.   

One of the most hurtful things to me is when he is in pain, my instinct is to reach out and gently hug him, hold his hand etc. He tries to turn this into him groping me!  I normally keep my distance to avoid it but human instinct is to embrace a person in pain.   I find that difficult.

Of course, with helping with personal care there are many more opportunities in that creepy, skin crawling way.  Shudder.   

Thanks again for your kindness.  I am so sorry your husband is this way too.  Whatever we do is wrong.