Coming to terms

[beepositive]

Hi friends. Over the past year I've reentered therapy and recognized for the first time that I was raised by a narcissist. It explains so much and yet part of the damage is that I have a hard time believing myself, trusting my experience and memory of both my childhood and my current circumstances. My mother was/is a covert narcissist, a very high-functioning one at that, she has excelled in a creative career and is extremely ambitious and well-loved. My childhood was spent hunkered in her shadow with people saying, "It must be amazing to have "..." as a mom!" I constantly doubt myself -- Did my mother really mean to hurt me? Isn't she really the one who was hurt? (She was physically abused by my bio-father, and left him before I was born.) Isn't it my job to protect her and take care of her? Is my spouse the real problem? Why am I not ok with leaving my kids alone with her, isn't it terrible of me to deny her that? Has she gotten worse since I had kids, or have I just become less of a pushover? And ultimately the big question: what do i do now? Is No Contact taking it too far? I'm here to learn, to share, and to hopefully get closer to healthy boundaries, whatever they may be.

[all4peace]

Welcome, beepositive!

These are all such good questions, such tough ones to figure out. Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is a good introductory book on boundaries, christian based. There's a review of it in the section here on Book Reviews.

There are lots of resources at the top of the page with definitions, articles and more....they can help to start to bring light to your situation.

And, of course, please post more as you're able. Again, welcome!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome,

Sounds like you are in the right place. A lot of us here have experience with no contact and not leaving children alone with narcissistic family members.

Trees

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

You need to first look after yourself. You need to always put your needs first. That is not selfish it is survival.

If your mother hurt you then she is an abuser. If it hurts it isn't love. Abusers are all about power and control.

I now call my uBPD/uNPD sister my abuser and I am her target of abuse. It helps me to detach from her behaviour and to see it for what it really is.

Guitarman X

[Whimzee]

Hello,

  Trust your intuition and gut feelings(you are not crazy to worry about leaving your children alone with her)--always. 
    I "awakened" to what my father really was later in life when I had children, too. I am now going through more abuse by and discovering my sister (who I was always bullied by as a child but never put a label on it until recently) is some kind of combination of a covert/overt narcissist . I know the feeling of what the outside world feels about the Narc family member and how everyone thinks they are so nice, funny and wonderful while they save the nastiness and abuse for certain members of the family behind doors. This is a group that will UNDERSTAND, I have found.

[xredshoesx]

i didn't understand until i was almost 30 why my uncle/ half brother never left his kids alone with our grandparents.
once i figured it out, it cemented the NC between me and my mother and destroyed the relationship between me and my half brother.

trust your gut and share more of your story when you are ready.

[beepositive]

Thank you, everyone! I look forward to sharing and healing with all of you.