Mother texting

[moglow]

... this time the brother I work for. Our relationship has changed this past year, where he and I actually talk about more than work. Several times lately he's mentioned mother, asked if I have any memories of her, what did I make of this or that incident.

Yesterday he showed me a text he got from her recently. She's realized that they have a problem and is trying to understand why, looking for something or someone to blame. She goes on to cite two specific times in her life where she wasn't available, assuming that caused resentment.

She really doesn't get it - there's not a problem other than the way she treats us/people. Oh and the little fact that she built no relationships along the way either. It's like she had/has some pie in the sky idea about how things are supposed to be, all with no effort on her part. That relationships just happen because she's the mother.

Those times she mentioned when she supposedly wasn't available? No recognition that during that time he'd worked three jobs while back in school, graduated with his second degree and was building a business, raising his family. No recognition of her distance if not neglect for years before that even. Still no apology for her part in that distance then or now.

He's baffled by her complete ignorance of her part. She's the parent, still not one clue why she has no relationship with her own family, no idea how we got where we are. But he's trying to formulate some kind of response,  address it but not cause her more hurt.

I don't think there's anything to be said really. He's not seen her in at least 10 years as far as I know, and no plans to. She gets polite holiday and birthday greeting via text and that's all. And after all these years, she brings all that up in a text.

[SunnyMeadow]

My mother dredges up long dormant relationships when she's bored. Maybe your mom does this too? My uNPD mother likes drama and tension so she'll email or write to someone she's discarded or they discarded her.

But he's trying to formulate some kind of response,  address it but not cause her more hurt.

I think it's sad that we (the ones on the receiving end) are the ones trying not to cause more hurt. I do this too. I think about my replies so they cause her the least amount of hurt so I can minimize the repercussions.  The NP person doesn't give two hoots about causing more hurt.

I don't think there's anything to be said either. He can ignore, stop replying or change the subject. She's not a big part of his life so hopefully he can dismiss this without too much thought.

[moglow]

Yes, I used to get the boredom texts too! Then she'd say she doesn't know how things got this way, why we don't have a relationship. THIS!! This right here: the pot stirring, blaming, accusing, demeaning sarcastic comments,  all while she played poor victim of it all.

But hell, Own it. Show some sense of responsibility. Nobody expected perfection but we did think she'd try or at least pretend interest at some point. But move on already and stop dredging up the past. That'll never end well.
 
Here we are 60 years later and she's questioning  ...

[bloomie]

Moglow - I have come to the conclusion, with my own elder (mil in my case) that having lived decades, that I know of - guessing her entire life, viewing and interacting with others as objects, every once in a blue moon... is it coming on a blue moon? 🤔 ... she will look around and wonder: "Where did I put Bloomie? I need something or want something or I have a slight tinge of discomfort." And then she engages and usually in a waify, cloying, dramatic way often assuming my absence is due to one of the few things she actually is able to somehow link to me.

Yes, I used to get the boredom texts too! Then she'd say she doesn't know how things got this way, why we don't have a relationship. THIS!! This right here: the pot stirring, blaming, accusing, demeaning sarcastic comments,  all while she played poor victim of it all.

My mother dredges up long dormant relationships when she's bored. Maybe your mom does this too? My uNPD mother likes drama and tension so she'll email or write to someone she's discarded or they discarded her.

You both have nailed this kind of hit and run text out of nowhere so well. So much also has to do in my own case with an insatiable hunger for drama and attention in a person who embodies privilege and entitlement.

I imagine you are a great help and support to your brother as he scratches his head over this text.

[moglow]

Interesting you mention that - I'd told another brother a while back that mother seems to spin on/near full moons, sometimes worse than others. She's also triggered by a variety of anniversaries [some known only to her and she'd get all indignant that we didn't recognize it]. The day she sent that text? This brother's daughter birthday - she may have also text her granddaughter and gotten no response. So someone must have turned granddaughter against her. 

Brother is aware and has commented how badly she affected me for so many years. We're both of the mind that you can forgive and move on, with no intention of going back into the chaos or allowing repeat performances. She showed us who she is, not once but many times over the years. He doesn't talk to her on the phone because at least by text he doesn't hear that sharp edge in her voice, said it's bad enough feeling it through her words.

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry.....it stinks!   
My mother texts because she wants a document trail to reference later on in future arguments.    "See, Like the Ducks was mean....or see, Like the Ducks agreed and is breaking her promise".     I'm firmly in the old school camp....if it is going to take more than 3 texts, call me.   I don't engage the long emotional novels/texts.     I will respond with "It is so easy to misinterpret intent in a text message".   Is there a time when you'd be available to talk on the phone?     She'll stop then.    It is a super passive-aggressive way to communicate.     She knows that IF we speak face to face or over the phone, I will hang up if she crosses the line.   

My mom's big trigger is the holidays.   Being in January, I'm enjoying her tendency to revert back to VLC.   

[moglow]

Wow. There really is a playbook isn't there. Document trail, check! Mine tried several times for me to tell her what we could to to "fix this" and she wanted it detailed, specifically in writing. Um no. I'm not doing that to be passed along and picked apart at her whim, she did enough of that without me handing her free ammo. I kept hearing in the back of my mind that no good deed goes unpunished and I just couldn't see that ending well.

I suggested to bro that if he felt compelled to respond, keep it short and simple. Tell her he forgave and left all that in the past where it belongs a long time ago and prays she will find it within her to do the same.

[Cat of the Canals]

She really doesn't get it - there's not a problem other than the way she treats us/people. Oh and the little fact that she built no relationships along the way either. It's like she had/has some pie in the sky idea about how things are supposed to be, all with no effort on her part. That relationships just happen because she's the mother.

Every word of this is my MIL. And she totally perceives imagined slights and tries to come up with bizarre explanations for it. It's always strangely specific and the kind of thing no one but her would hold a lasting grudge about.

I read somewhere once that a lot of people assume everyone else thinks the same way they do. When that concept is applied to my MIL, it suddenly all makes sense. She is incredibly petty and just assumes everyone else is, too.

And the notion that her behavior has consequences is not even on her radar. Like your mother, she believes that being "mother" gives her some sort of inalienable right to "family." It shouldn't and doesn't require any effort on her part. It's beyond entitled.

[moglow]

Lord have mercy:

she totally perceives imagined slights and tries to come up with bizarre explanations for it. It's always strangely specific and the kind of thing no one but her would hold a lasting grudge about.

REALLY?? Really. How does this happen time after time? The crap mother assumes are problems boggles the mind. Never mind the actual real incidents that come immediately to my mind. Hers? Nope. Doesn't remember it that way at all and I "have a convenient memory."

[SunnyMeadow]

Wow. There really is a playbook isn't there. Document trail, check! Mine tried several times for me to tell her what we could to to "fix this" and she wanted it detailed, specifically in writing. Um no. I'm not doing that to be passed along and picked apart at her whim,

This is creepy, mine does the exact same thing. I've written about it here before. My mother wants an email of the things she's "supposedly" done wrong after an argument/misunderstanding. She'd pick that thing apart like your mother would moglow.

   You just can't make this stuff up.   

[Cat of the Canals]

Lord have mercy:

she totally perceives imagined slights and tries to come up with bizarre explanations for it. It's always strangely specific and the kind of thing no one but her would hold a lasting grudge about.

REALLY?? Really. How does this happen time after time? The crap mother assumes are problems boggles the mind. Never mind the actual real incidents that come immediately to my mind. Hers? Nope. Doesn't remember it that way at all and I "have a convenient memory."

Our most recent favorite: she found animal feces on her front porch and immediately jumped to the wild conclusion that someone had put it there. Her exact words were, "I don't know what kind of message they're trying to send me..."

My husband and I both thought it was most likely a neighborhood dog or cat. It turns out it was actually a fox, who had been pooping on many-a-neighbor's doorstep to mark its territory.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, now there's a full circle metaphor for this thread, Cat. How many of us have been metaphorically shat upon to mark their territory... just to prove their control. And in a stunning bit of projection, even literal poop has to be significant somehow. Has to send a message. Because she's special, naturally. And that's what she would do.

[moglow]

And people wonder why we question our own sanity, growing up and being inundated with this kind of fox shit year after year. 

[Cat of the Canals]

 

I will now be referring to all MIL happenings as "fox shit."

MIL tantrum =  the fox shit has hit the fan
MIL paranoia = same fox shit, different day
MIL daily PDness = what's the newest fox shit?

And in a stunning bit of projection, even literal poop has to be significant somehow. Has to send a message. Because she's special, naturally.

My husband said he wanted to scream at her: No one is trying to send a message to you because NO ONE CARES.

They seem to honestly believe the world revolves around them.

[moglow]

Yeah, about that fox shit ... Seen it, heard it, smelt [too much of] it here too! 

They seem to honestly believe the world revolves around them.

I'm stunned it took me this long to truly open my eyes and see this for what it is. With mother, the world absolutely revolves around and is there to serve only her. She brings every conceivable situation and inconvenience back to how it affects *her*, regardless of what a stretch that appears at times. Her personal perspective is the only one that appears to matter.

There's a certain amount of confirmation? satisfaction? justice? [can't find the right word in my head] hearing my brother talk about mother's never ending need to be the victim, him saying there's nothing normal about her responses/reactions to the dramas she sees and hears in the most mundane interactions, her continued efforts to open doors that need to stay closed and locked.

[Andeza]

Validation, Moglow. All of the above in one. It's a good feeling to be sure, but sad that we've been shoved, poked, and shuffled into a position of needing or wanting it.

Fox shit... hehe. Because batshit can't quite confer it.

[Hilltop]

Hey Moglow, it seems that since you aren't around as much your mother has gotten bored.  She is use to that drama to fill her head with and now there's nothing, she has nothing to think about, nothing to stew on.  So she stirs the pot a little.

I guess she has then gone from thinking about you to your brother and then she sends out a text, filled with nonsense from the past, looking for someone to engage with.  Then she has her drama, and her head can fill up with thinking about the recent drama and stew on that.

It seems that with some people they can't be happy with a peaceful life.  They need that drama, that emotional angst. I doubt your mother can even see it.  She's unhappy and bored and needs someone there as an outlet, someone there to vent to.  I'm glad it's not you and I hope your brother manages to brush off this latest attempt by her.

I guess at least you can see what you have stepped back from.  At least you can see what you are protecting yourself from.  Yep validation is so important to really know and understand that what you have been feeling is accurate.