The guilt right before NC

[Entj]

Hi everyone

Last time I had written here to ask what you think about two family events with MIL.

Now with Covid-19, the first event, the christening of our child, is postponed. DH insisted on having it in our country instead of our country of origin. He said one of the reasons is to avoid his parents being involved. Well, first he said to avoid whining on my part as a result of some 'mistake' his parents would make. I protested that the problem is not my reaction, the problem is the initial offensive behavior on their part. After that he has been saying he doesn't want them involved. All good.

Regarding the second event, BIL's wedding, I had already said me and the kids aren't going even before the pandemic. So now there's extra reasons to avoid that too. All good.

Now the not so good part. We're going to our home country to spend the summer. He said he would like us to meet with his parents once while we're there.

For context, MIL has been taking our 3 year old child to another room every time we've been to their house - although we've set a clear boundary that that's not acceptable. Last time our kid was scared. I told her off on the phone, she started yelling, I hanged up. We haven't talked since (6 months).

Before the last incident we were seeing them twice a year for a couple of hours each time. DH wants us to see them again this year but only once (and he said we should tell them to see them towards the end of our stay and if anything happens, oops, sorry we missed you). Even that's one time too many for me though 

Not going to that country is not an option, my family and friends live there too. FIL has had cancer surgery again a month ago, which makes it more difficult for me to insist on NC, as I feel like a monster (he's taken MIL's side openly). My parents will most probably push me to go see the inlaws at least once just to keep DH happy. I also have mixed feelings. I don't want to see them, but I feel some guilt towards DH, if I say a hard no. I also feel insecure, that this might push DH away emotionally.

So the question is: how much backlash is worth the relief of NC? How do I break through second guessing myself? And how dangerous can this be to our wedding, if I put my foot down?

Thank you for your thoughts.

[bloomie]

Entj - good to see you back and to hear that the concerns are resolved for your bil's wedding and your child's christening.

Where I have landed with things like short, controlled visits with my il's for reasons that are very important to my own DH such as you describe here, is that I am first and always my DH's wife and partner in life and at times where he expressly needs my support I will offer that to him and use boundaries of steel and limit visits to a certain amount time in a certain place.

You could choose to meet somewhere that you feel you have the ability to leave at the first sign of an issue from your in laws. A park for a picnic if possible? You can discuss and find agreements around your need to have your DH attentive to what is going on and at the side of you and your child throughout the visit.

Your DH can always see his parents separately again during your time this summer as well. It is fair to suggest you have one visit to offer this summer (if you feel you can offer that compromise of course).

There are a lot of ways to find agreement together in how to respect and honor both of your equally important concerns. Whatever you do decide, I have found it is really important to continue listening and honoring each of your positions and concerns and then finding some compromise and strategies to handle a tricky issue that builds up your connection instead of tearing it down.

These types of visits have never been easy or turn out exactly how I hope because there are human beings in the midst of it all, but I put on my most medium chill, polite and firm, cocktail party demeanor and if there is a slight hint of rudeness and disrespect I make sure I have a quick exit available.

Let us know how you are doing with this!

[Starboard Song]

I agree with Bloomie, that you should consider options that put you more in control of the situation: you should be able to leave if necessary. And you should read about boundaries and think about what social conventions make them hard to enforce. For instance, your MIL must never again take your child out of your sight if you've told her not to. And unless she is armed with mortal weapons, you need never again allow that. It is so hard, though, for us to stand up for ourselves without feeling rude and mean.

If you plan through scenarios with your husband in advance, and if you two agree about  what you will and will not allow, and if you can even agree about the top two or three nightmare scenarios that would cause you to politely yawn, look at your watch, and announce that it is time to leave. If you can do all that, I suspect you're better off doing a small amount of controlled visiting than going NC.

But this is all too much for us to know.

Good luck to you.

[Entj]

Hi Bloomie

Thank you for your support throughout the years.

What you described is more or less how we've been handling things for the last 2-3 years. Low
contact (1-2 times a year), neutral territory, 1-2 hours each time, exit plan ready just in case.

This time we went to their place, because it was a spontaneous visit, just to get it out of the way without thinking much about it. Usually we avoid their place, exactly because MIL seems very keen on taking our child to another room.

This time it's different. Our little child was abused under irrelevant circumstances just before the visit with the inlaws. MIL was aware of that. Yet she chose to try and take our child to another room. Our kid was scared and has been asking why MIL did that, if she's a bad person. We've reached an agreement with DH to say that what she did was bad. My primary responsibility is towards my kids, to protect them and keep them safe.

There's a lot to think about.


Starboard song

Thank you for your reply. This is unfortunately not an instance of not standing up to defend our boundaries. I'm saying unfortunately, because then I would have some hope. We left immediately after MIL's attempt. And we have left within 5 minutes each and every time she's done that, sometimes calling her out, sometimes just leaving without saying anything. She's not successful at taking the kid to another room, we always stop her.

We've been preparing for these meetings like we're going to war, different scenarios, defense tactics, exit plans, secret codes to communicate. I had even detached myself emotionally quite significantly. 

You're absolutely right that we'd be better off with low contact. For a couple of times a year, it's not worth the backlash.

It's just this last time... It's too much. I could not believe how someone can put their own needs above the needs of their grandchild. It was so self-centered and cruel. I'm not sure I can meet with them again.

[Starboard Song]

Entj,

It sounds to me like you are doing everything right. You've given the relationship every possible chance.

[bloomie]

It's just this last time... It's too much. I could not believe how someone can put their own needs above the needs of their grandchild. It was so self-centered and cruel. I'm not sure I can meet with them again.

Maybe now is not the time to try again. Maybe you need more time for you and your child to heal before you can even consider ever meeting up with them again. Maybe your H sees them alone as there is such a disregard for the well being of your precious LO and stated limits are being disregarded.

This time it's different. Our little child was abused under irrelevant circumstances just before the visit with the inlaws. MIL was aware of that. Yet she chose to try and take our child to another room. Our kid was scared and has been asking why MIL did that, if she's a bad person. We've reached an agreement with DH to say that what she did was bad. My primary responsibility is towards my kids, to protect them and keep them safe.

There's a lot to think about.

You have your priorities right! This is a serious issue with your mil. You are not obligated to spend time with anyone who has proven themselves unsafe for your children.

[Entj]

Thank you both for your support. It really helps a lot to have someone to talk to about these issues.