Some Up and Some Down and a Question?

[JustKeepTrying]

The last few weeks over the holidays my ex and my grown children vacationed together overseas.  I was asked but the doc said no to a long flight.  So I did the holiday by myself - just like I did over covid.  Instead of wallowing in my apartment, I headed south for warm weather.  And it was weird.

I was evacuated - twice.  Once for the cold snap and the other time for flooding.  Within a week.  I stayed in a hotel after the first evacuation and did my laundry with a "Karen" - an actual Karen from an televised incident and she was jailed - met a few men - a few first dates and a disappointing night - wrote a lot - and was offered a briefcase of I can only imagine might be money or drugs on the backroads of a rural state.  Like I said weird.

Christmas was hard.  Got close to the edge but I pulled myself back - on my own this time - and gave myself a stern talking too.  Then I poured myself a drink and kicked myself in the pants again and kept moving.

Debated for more than six hours with an ultra conservative - the exact opposite of myself - it was a heady aphrodisiac for me to enter into a contest of wills where I was respected in battle.  But the night was a sad disappointment that left me wondering if I brushed against a narc - again.  It took me three days to come down from that high and I am grateful that I recognized the addictive hit.  But still to this moment, I can feel the pull.

All so so weird.  Here is my conclusion - after exactly three years of divorce, I acknowledge I have come a long way.  I am capable - I doubt myself regularly - but I was evacuated - twice - and all while limping and struggling with brutal cold.  My ability to self monitor, reassess and look deeply at my motivations with a kind curiosity is getting better and quicker.  The tight spot in my chest that hurt all the time is beginning to ease.  I am now finally looking at the spiraling thoughts and just watching them with a detached curiosity.  Either I'm disassociating or just getting better at mindfulness.  I am getting more confident at recognizing the mental gymnastics my mind makes to keep the status quo. 

With the weirdness of the past few weeks, it left me pondering a question, with our hyper attentiveness - that extra watchfulness skill we as survivors developed - does anyone else experience this weirdness?  Is it my observation skills and openness that places me in these paths?  Or just plain luck?

[NarcKiddo]

I am now finally looking at the spiraling thoughts and just watching them with a detached curiosity.  Either I'm disassociating or just getting better at mindfulness.  I am getting more confident at recognizing the mental gymnastics my mind makes to keep the status quo. 

Wow, What an eventful time. I think you have done so well in dealing with it.

As to the above, I don't think you are disassociating, because you are watching and thinking about the bad thought patterns. I think you are getting better at mindfulness. I was chatting about this with my therapist yesterday as regards myself. I was doing some war-gaming (I think through all possible scenarios so I know what I will do if xyz happens but mostly it is pointless and just wastes emotional bandwidth. I had to do it with mother so as not to get a freeze response but now I do it all the time). Anyway on this occasion it was over something really minor at the gym and I spent 40 minutes thinking about it, but it was progress because I recognised what I was doing. I was at least able to swing between doing the war-gaming and then thinking about why I was doing it. I couldn't quite stop myself but I guess that will come with practice and at least it was not as all-consuming as it can sometimes be.

[SonofThunder]

I am now finally looking at the spiraling thoughts and just watching them with a detached curiosity.  Either I'm disassociating or just getting better at mindfulness.  I am getting more confident at recognizing the mental gymnastics my mind makes to keep the status quo. 

Wow, What an eventful time. I think you have done so well in dealing with it.

As to the above, I don't think you are disassociating, because you are watching and thinking about the bad thought patterns. I think you are getting better at mindfulness.

Wow JKT!  What an eventful trip!  Although you describe it as "weird", it was exciting to read and a sure variety pack of experiences over the journey.  I look forward to meeting all kinds of people on my future travel journeys, and experience a wide gamut of situations.  I will accept that the wide range will contain positive, neutral and negative experiences. 

I fully agree with NarcKiddo, your mindfulness abilities are allowing you to experience, analyze understand and react insightfully, whether it be to glean from the experiences or let them float onward.  Congrats also on a successful journey to/from the southland! 

SoT

[JustKeepTrying]

Thank you SOT and NarcKiddo for your input.  I do feel healthier and stronger mentally.  And the mindfulness is so simple yet so complex.  But the daily practice and use of just noticing the thought and let it flow has really helped keep me grounded emotionally.  The conservative individual and I have been texting back and forth and while his politics are awful - he has given me space, respect, and support.  All so strange.  And I have found myself NarcKiddo wargaming as well - future building in this case where I notice the thoughts and pull myself back. No need to invest this early in - and every time I get a tiny fission of pleasure that I did that.  I also set a boundary and have held it well with a friend who kept crossing it - something I wouldn't have done even six months ago.  Boundaries are another concept that seems so simple and complex - especially for a life long empath and people pleaser

[SonofThunder]

JKT, that sounds very healthy and balanced. Congratulations to you on the improvements in health and strength; physically, mentally, emotionally.

SoT

[treesgrowslowly]

Sounds like great progress JKT!

I do think that we survivors develop a lot of skill along the way as we recover. We learn how to observe and detach with grace, just as you described. I think these skills are rare and so we don't see a lot of others doing them...sometimes we are the only person in the room who is in that observing and detaching state.

I also think that the world is full of people who go into self-absorbed states, easily and often. Even if we start off the conversation with them, and it seems like they are present, it can be quite different after a few hours with them. Mindfulness skills help us to notice when things have shifted - when it might be a good time to say to them "ok well nice talking to you" and end the conversation with grace and kindness.

Not everyone is a narcissist but a lot of people like hearing the sound of their own voice. I mean, maybe we all do at times! We're human after all! It is probably part of how we are wired.

I think that we can see socializing as similar to hunger. Both are needs (for most of us).

You can only go so long without food, and those hunger pangs are there so that we don't forget to eat. Our bodies are wired up for survival. If we go without food, our body has a way of reminding us, we need food for fuel. If we've gone without socializing for a while, we might gorge on the next social interaction, like someone who has not eaten in 2 days! I have done this too.

As a fellow empath, I wonder if you find that the world of people can indeed feel 'strange'. When we empaths are open to others (i.e. socializing, chatting up someone at a laundromat) we attract all sorts of people...in all sorts of moods.

The good thing is that you noticed what the other person was doing and saying. As an empath it can be easy to lose sight of that when socializing with people. You're so busy picking up on the stuff they are trying hard not to reveal, and as an empath you're like oh I see what you're actually feeling, I hear the tone in your voice, I see what's going on for you right now.... and that can be hard because we easily 'attune' to others, because we've 'picked up' on their energy. The other person feels seen by you, and that feels good for them -so they tend to code this as "wow, this JKT person sure is nice!". Personally I believe that a lot of people love running into us empaths. They love our energy. We make them feel good.

As an empath I have learned how to practice 'turning down the dial' on that when I'm out so that I don't 'attune' to everyone around me. It sounds like you stayed observant and aware, which is what I do now as well.

Honestly I never thought I'd be able to 'control' the empath stuff in public. In my 20's I had not yet learned how to manage my empath traits, and I didn't know how to stay in control of how much I attune to the people around me. It just felt like I was stuck "soaking up" their energy, whether it was good for me or not. Thankfully I'm now doing what you describe. Maybe middle age has made it easier for me to turn the dial up and down lol!

I agree with you on the people pleaser stuff. That's what I developed first, and a wise person once told me that this was my 'original programming'. I would need to 'write over' the original software program and learn better ways.

I see People Pleaser Trees (PPT) as my younger self. She's so good at it, but middle-age Trees is wise to those pitfalls lol. After going into the people-pleaser state, I'd come home and 2-3 days later, I'd be exhausted and not know why! Oh the wisdom of age! Like you said, staying observant feels odd at first, but eventually it starts to feel more familiar.

Maybe its like writing with our non-dominant hand. Feels impossible at first but if we kept at it, eventually of course it would feel less strange. The brain adapts with practice!

Bravo to you for clocking all of this! And thanks for sharing about it!

Trees

[JustKeepTrying]

Thank you Trees for the kind words.  I envy your ability to control the empath side - while I am getting better at mindfulness the shielding they talk about is still a work in progress.  So now I just avoid crowds; large gatherings and stay out of peoples way.  Thank you pandemic for making that not seem strange.

There is some other progress on my end in term of romantic entanglements - the extreme right wing guy that I tangled with - we communicated for the past few weeks but he has gone ghost.  And even though I feel the pull over the distance from him, I don't care.  I just don't feel the need for anyone in my life right now.  I am prepping for my life of travel and filling it with things that bring me joy.  Frankly, I am not sure I have room for someone right now - and for all I know he picked up on that.  My hyper independence is not for everyone.  And that is ok.

I deleted my profiles and dating apps.  My experiment is officially over.  And I like the new me.  I found a confidence in my appearance; confidence in talking to strangers and men - goodness that was tough talking to men; confidence in being on my own and frankly confidence in getting my sexy on.  But I did and I am the better for it.  I am grateful that my xOCPDh did not take it all - I am grateful that I found myself again.

Don't get me wrong - it's hard doing this stuff by myself.  Driving all over the country alone; eating at a restaurant alone; going to museum and places, alone.  It takes some days all of my will power to leave the house or the van or wherever I am - it's hard.  And there are days where my anxiety just takes over and I stay in.'

I video chatted with my older brother about the memories resurfacing.  Frankly he is one of my most brutal traumatic memories but I don't hold it against him - he is an addict and he has no memory of any it.  But as we talked I did not trigger - or give in - I kept my boundaries firm and I asked my questions and the convo ended and that was that.  He says he knows nothing but I suspect he does and does not want to tell.  That's ok.  My mind will do what it needs to protect itself and I will deal with it when I have to.

So there are several steps forward and a few steps back.  I think the Indigo Girls said it best - I'm "Closer to Fine"

[Jolie40]

does anyone else experience this weirdness?  Is it my observation skills and openness that places me in these paths? 

there are lots of weird people out there so if you're by yourself, it's more likely to run into them

I go lots of places by myself
just at a retreat with 100 women.....most were there with friends or family but I attended by myself

husband was traveling for work one holiday
I decided to fly to Orlando & go to WDW by myself.....so much fun!

been to NYC by myself....there was a long line to get into one museum
I was trying to get in the building but some "wacky" lady blocked me from getting in & I was stuck in one of those turn around things.......so yes I run into weirdos, too

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Bravo to all of you for your ongoing work!  Thanks for your in depth sharing, JKT.  I love your courage!

[JustKeepTrying]

Thank. you Looking - I appreciate your kind words

Jolie40 - I gave your comment a lot of thought these past few days and I realized that I too went places by myself - went to NYC several times for cancer treatment on my own; when I was very young pre cell phone I drove all over the country with only a paper map.  I did all of that without my xOCPDh and I survived and even thrived.

That is what made this past anxiety so hard to bear - I knew I did it before and doing it now just took so much effort out of me.  I even did things by myself since I divorced - spent six weeks camping on my own and loved it.

So why now?  I don't know.  I just know that that week was torture.  That week was so hard and brutal with at times crippling anxiety.  No idea why - no identifying trigger.  Just a surety of his voice in my head telling me I wasn't good enough - his shadow haunting me after all this time.  But I pushed through and while I didn't do all I wanted - I did do - something.  And for that I am proud.

And I keep seeing weird - strange - off beat things.  Just stuff that I wouldn't have noticed before.  Life is strange.