Exhausted

[gfuertes]

My Antisocial PD ex blew off weekend visitation this weekend.  I had planned to do something small with our 14-y-o son on Monday, for the 4th of July, which is my holiday this year.  But realizing that Son and I would have more time together, I tried to plan a short, last-minute getaway.  Son entirely rejected every idea I came up with.  Over the course of trying to find out what he'd like to do, I ended up hearing:

- Only things he does with his dad are fun.  Nothing I ever think of doing is fun.  But Son doesn't want to put any effort into suggesting anything he and I might do together that *would* be fun, because it wasn't his idea that we should do anything together in the first place, so if I wanted to, I should come up with the idea.

- Even if I tried doing things with him that he enjoys doing with his dad, they still wouldn't be as much fun because I'm not as fun to talk to.

This is the child I breast-fed, attachment-parented, stayed home with, and was a solo parent to for two years while his dad was in prison, and who I home-schooled for a year during the pandemic.  Until recently, I would have described our relationship as very close.  I feel like crawling into a hole and disappearing.  I also feel angry at the unfairness.  His dad CAN be more fun.  He has a huge, charming, narcissistic personality when he wants to.  I'm the one who's consistent, reliable, and pays attention to Son's needs and prioritizes them over my own.  And now that Ex is being fun, Son appears to have completely forgotten the year of coming home distraught from visits with Ex, because he was so awful.  And Son seems to have forgotten anything nice, warm or positive between the two of us.

Ex also has more money to throw around, doing things, than I do.  That's because he drained my savings without my knowledge, before prison, and left me with debts I didn't know we had, and I am just starting to dig myself out of the complete financial hole he left me in.  Whereas he won some lawsuit against someone while he was in prison, has apparently hidden the money from me, and managed to land a job right out of prison, the likes of which he never even bothered to apply for while we were living together.

Will someone please tell me my Son sounds as rejecting and hateful as he does, because he's hurt that his dad blew off the weekend with him, and not because he actually hates me? 

[Poison Ivy]

IMO, your son doesn't hate you, and he's taking out his anger against his dad on you because he knows you won't dump him like his dad did.

[verum71]

I'm in the same position with my 15 year old daughter. I feel like I have to be the cruise director when she is at my house.  If we don't have something "planned" than she is quick to come up with something that involves being at her mom's place, my bpdx.  Sorry your going through it - it sucks.  My daughter has been feeling sick the last couple of days, and kind of behind my back, she was talking with her mom
About being sick over at her place. I found out about it when her mom messaged me that she was going to come over and pick her up ( during my parenting time).  All of this happened behind my back and I was crushed. 

[Penny Lane]

Will someone please tell me my Son sounds as rejecting and hateful as he does, because he's hurt that his dad blew off the weekend with him, and not because he actually hates me? 

Yes yes yes!

Your poor son, he's hurting so much and you are his only safe parent.

One of the toxic coparenting books I read had a metaphor of a hot brick. His feelings are a hot brick and he's handing it to you. You cool off the brick and hand it back.

That means not escalating the feeling, but maybe calmly restate it in a way that helps him process.

He's not ready for this yet but maybe it's a tool to keep in your back pocket.

Anyway know it doesn't feel like this, but your son is telling you that he feels safe with you and that he's having big feelings he doesn't know how to express. You are a good mom and this shows it!!

[hhaw]

I agree.... you're the only safe, consistent parent your son has, g.

He's likely very sad and feeling abandoned by his father, even if ds doesn't realize it.... it's likely what's behind the anger, IME.

One thing I found helpful to deal with my dd's big feelings was the book THE PARALLEL PROCESS.


It was mandatory reading for parents with kids attending the Wilderness Program and there's a reason they recommended it.
It's generally instructive to identify what's yours, what's your son's, how to discuss your stuff, how to open space for son to speak about his stuff and to be OK when things aren't OK, which is HUGE, IME.  Information is empowering, IME.

Another thing that helped with my relationship with my daughters was researching healthy boundaries and putting them in place.  My then teen daughters curiously became more polite, they knocked, they asked before assuming and I got stronger and more confident with self care and stepping into confidence, even when things were feeling out of control with my children.... I had permission to be OK, which helped the girls SO much.

That's a huge.... co dependence  made me believe I couldn't be OK if my chldren weren't OK, which is false and harmful to a parent's ability to be responsive and to respond in the best possible way to help our children.  Feeling reactive means we're swept up in our children's feelings and aren't capable of responding in a helpful way, IME. 

Maybe ds felt abandoned when his father was in prison... kids tend to think everything is their fault, so your son has trauma and pain come up when his father cancels visits.


Know there's no magic bullet answers.  It's about widening your window of resilience, modeling it for your son and learning how to manage emotions and process trauma as it comes up.  It's about doing what you can do, then putting the story, whatever is worrying you... on the shelf for a while so you can turn towards joy. 

Your son wants you to be OK.  His hurtful behavior is an indicator he doesn't know how to handle his feelings. 

Not personal, even though it FEEEELS that way, I know.

Breathe, g..... fill your lungs slowly, from the bottom to the top, like you're filling a vase and find some support for yourself. 

I think everyone would benefit from  seeing a good trauma informed Therapist if you don't have one.  Trauma shuts down access to our frontal cortex/reason/logic/problem solving skills, just when we need it most.  Learning how to overcome that shut down, to bring our entire integrated brain online is what helps process the trauma, file it in historic files and deal with trauma as it comes up.

You're a good mom, g.  Breathe and trust this will be OK.