Discovery

[tooltime]

At age 56, after another outburst at a family member I started to self analyze myself, I'm am convinced I have a borderline personality disorder and have had nearly all my life.  I am high functioning BPD, living a professional life and have chosen a career (banking) that rewards black & white decisions, anger and control, but inside I'm tired of it.  I can't describe it well....  I manipulate people, I have had suicidal thoughts throughout life, I can be verbally abusive and I want it to end!  Even just listing my faults is hard and I want to start blaming others, its so weird but at least I'm coming to grips with it.   I did suffer childhood trauma with a both parents suffering from some kind of disorder, especially my mother.   Her physical abuse wasn't daily but extreme when it did happen.  I would rather be alone, as being around others frustrate me.  I don't do well in social settings, what people talk about drives me nuts, I could care less.  Work has been my therapy, without out that safe place I'm not certain what would happen.   I am a very controlling individual, if people don't listen to me or take my advice it's a personal attack which leads to anger over time.  Stop the madness!   I'm trying, I'm very thankful there are places one can read about personality disorders. 

[xredshoesx]

Hi tooltime and welcome to Out of the FOG -

I want to congratulate you for taking that first step and reaching out. Because you have identified yourself as someone who suffers from BPD and are interested in finding a supporting community then I would encourage you to look at these sites:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/
https://www.facebook.com/BPDRecovery
http://www.bpdrecovery.com/       * information only as site forum is not active in 2015

Out of the FOG is a community dedicated to offering support and information to people who have a loved one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder. Because of this you may find many of the posts here triggering. That doesn't necessarily exclude those who also have a PD from participating but the rule is that we come here to discuss our relationship issues as they pertain to the other people in our lives with a PD and not PD recovery issues as they pertain to the self. If you suffer from, or suspect you suffer from a personality disorder,  we welcome your participation as long as the discussion still revolves around dealing with the loved ones in your life with a PD and not on your own recovery from a PD.

For example- you shared some about your relationship with your mother- that would be something you could explore more here, however we would not be able to offer support or advice about the possibility of having BPD.  The best thing to do may be to talk to your GP or see a medical professional about your feelings as many folks here have self diagnosed only to find out that they were just trying to take the responsibility to fix others in their family circle or relationships.

We wish you the best on your healing journey.  Taking ownership is a big part about getting better for everyone here, diagnosis or not- be gentle with yourself as you move forward.