Younger siblings are ganging up on me, why?

[Roza]

Hi there,
I am new here. I have a serious problem.  I have 1 older bro and 2 younger sisters.  My parents recently died, God rest their souls.  I am in my 50's and I was in charge of my parent's finances for years.  I was the successor trustee for their trusts.  My sisters never wanted to do anything so I got stuff. 

My problem begins when I was little.  My parents were legal immigrants and they had me so they could stay in the states.  My mom had a child from a previous horrible marriage, a boy.  My mom took me to their country of origin and left me there for a few years with my grandparents.  I hear this a lot from other friends, who were also dropped off like me.  My dad came to get me years later.  I was little but I get back here and I can't speak the language and I have a big brother and a little sister.  Great right? Nope, my dad drank a lot and he used to hit my mom.  My sister and I would try to "save" her from the beatings, and we too would get beaten. My dad would drink a lot and we would go pick him up at bars, using the back door bcz you don't want to embarrass your dad.  We walk home from the bar and get beaten bcz that is what is done.  Dad worked days and mom worked nights. My mom would put us to sleep and go to work and we were never to open the door for anyone until my dad got home. 

I was the oldest of the girls and my bro left and got married after  years at home.  my mom was not happy with my bro getting married.  Our house had visitors all the time cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.  I had to share a bed with my sister until I was 18.  My mom was always dressing us up and we always had to look good outside.  My parents argued everyday of my life, everyday.  I was 8-9yrs old and I told my sister(2yrs younger) that mom and dad are probably getting a divorce, so who is she  going with.   She chose mom. I got dad.  Well guess what my parents had a kids at 45yrs of age and I lost most of my childhood. I was 10 yrs old and got stuck taking care of the little one and the other one. My younger sister wanted to sell the baby.  I also got my period that year, guess what when you get your period you are a whore, according to my mother.  I thought I was dying for 3 months. I didn't know what was happening to me.  One day my mom caught me in the basement trying to wash my underwear and I got a calendar and a thing that looked like a tube sock, and here shove this in there.  Mom was all about what others thought of her and all had to praise her and the world was going around her.  At home she was a different person and outside she was so lovely.  I was a whore and I would amount to nothing, I was a jackass, and I was told by my mom could have twisted my head off at birth.I knew something was not right, but didn't know what to do. 

I spoke English and I was the one to handle all the finances and other things that needed to be done.  So I became an adult quickly.  I had to clean the house on Saturdays and do dishes during the week, laundry, get my dad's newspaper before he got home from work, get dad's dinner on the table and clean up afterwards, do my homework, help my kid sister and watch the baby.  Mom was tired bcz she worked nights, cleaning. Baby slept most of the day with her.  The older I got the more yelling at me.  I was worthless, a good for nothing whore.  My one sister  was the greatest thing ever.  She was let's say FAT and picked on at school a lot.  Guess who had to go and save her?  Yep me, bcz I speak English.  I was smaller than her and my mom told me I had to do it. So I did.  I go and stick up for my sister and when I get home she pounces on me and beats the crap out of me.  I tell my mom and she does nothing bcz she is younger than you and she isn't as smart. This goes on like forever.  I still am no good and a nothing and a whore.   

Get into high school and get a job.  Awesome less time in the prison of home.  My dad was still beating the crap out of us 2 but never the baby sister bcz I protected her, dumb on my part.  I was always told what to do for whom.  I had no choice. I had more chores to do bcz the younger one would mess things up so she didn't have to do it again.  I figured that out and told my parents and again she is younger than you was the excuse. My dad was having a fit and my younger sister got beaten again and I tried to help so I got it too, I was 18 yrs old, mom was upstairs and never came down to help.  We were so used to hiding bruises and welts.  We were told what happens inside the houses stays there. We never talked about what we were going through.  I thought this was normal. I watched TV and none of the shows had a family like mine. I was thinking maybe this is NOT normal.  My mom put my dad down all the time, he was lazy, good for nothing, and he was a loser. Everyday, every single day. I was depressed and I was tired of being the one to do it all, all the time and put down all the time.  I took some pills and called my then BF and said I was sorry but I can't do it anymore.  He told me to put a finger down my throat and vomit the pills up. I did and I am still here.  I tried to work more after school so I can get out.  My parents made me share my car with my younger sister, and she killed the car. But it was ok, bcz again she was younger.  I go buy a new car on payments bcz I didn't have much.  my parents go buy my younger sister a car, and again another one.  We were both working and she gets her cars bought for her while I had to buy my own.  We were in our 20's.  The baby sister was always on display and she had to be good.  I got married at 22, bought a house and finished my college education all in one year.  My younger sister lied about going to school and took my parents money for I have no idea what.  I had to pay for school myself again, bcz dad was laid off all the time. 

I started to figure things out, mom was a narcissist.  This explained so much for me.  I was the scapegoat and my younger sister was the golden child.  I tried NC for a while bcz I saw that it was very toxic there.  My younger sister finally moved out on her own and I tried to help her with her new place, new flooring installation, insulation install, and not even a thank you.  It was owed her I guess.  The baby sister started to hang out with the younger one and baby sister was taking on the others behavior. Very scary.  Parents bought a lake house bcz BRO had one but we were never invited to go there.  Baby sister finally saw that younger sister was manipulating her and causing her more stress.  She stopped hanging out with her.  Other family members(aunts, uncles, and cousins) noticed that the baby sister is much better since she is NOT hanging out with the younger one.  Younger sister does the silent treatment and we all found out she was getting married.  We had no idea who the guy was or anything. She flies to an Island to get married. I met the guy after the wedding and I got a bad vibe.  Something was not right with him. He didn't like me either.  Again NC for 7 years. 

Parents are older and I have been the stupid one to take care of everything.  My kids in tow for everything, doctors appointments, shopping, and lake house.  Younger one shows up bcz dad ended up in the hospital, and she accused me of doing something to him.  She was always mean and nasty.  She finally comes clean that her husband has been cheating on her and she threw him out.  She told me that she should have known bcz he was not divorced before they got married, she paid for the divorce, the island wedding and when at home she paid for everything he wanted.  He was cheating since day one, and she wanted a child with this guy. She is NOT mom material.  He brought animals into her house, dogs, 5 damn dogs.  God her house smelled to high heaven.  She threw him out and she kept the dogs, bcz they are her babies now.  She never had people over to her house only 2x.  She didn't go to the lake house bcz parents didn't want dogs in the house. (I don't want animals in my house either) Dad had dementia and I was the POA for everything.

Mom had so much wrong with her, but I was her POA too. I have been the adult for everyone. Parents die and I am successor trustee and I do as I am directed.  I am very bad at saying "no" , I have been a people pleaser all the time.  Mom did go to a shrink for a while and the shrink called me to tell that she can't see my mom anymore bcz she is not working with her.  I was also told that I was the worst child ever.  I did everything for my parents out of duty and responsibility. Why, I was never told that they loved me or hugged.  So when I had kids they are so loved and hugged all the time. 

Sorry back to my younger sister, she now wants to get all of my mom's financials bcz she is divorced, living with yet another needy guy, and dogs.  She is 1/2 owner of the lake house with me.  Mind you I have been going there to maintain the property and she wants to bring her dogs in.  I said, lets compromise keep them in your bedroom and the rest of the house in communal.  Maybe get a kennel for outside.  We just fixed up the house and she wants it to get smelled up like hers.  I finally blew my top on 4th of July. She invites her BF and his daughter and friends and the damn dogs.  She did NOT have her room set up so her BF sat on the couch with the dogs and waited until she put the bad together.  My husband and I went out to the lake and sat on our boat.  I WAS pissed.  Just when we were kids and young adults she does what she wants and I have to accept it.  The girls were 19 yrs old and I was supposed to entertain them?  She tells my husband to not blow up fireworks bcz her babies don't like it.  She tells my husband to get the grill going and he got upset, told me and we went out for dinner that night.  My husband and I went out in the morning to get something, we get back and my younger sister is pissed. She has the same devil eyes as my mom did, and she tells me that the girls didn't feel welcome, and that I was being a bitch bcz the dogs were prisoners in the bedroom.  She proceeds to ask if I ever locked my kids up.  Well I got HOT, well yes I did for their safety when they were little.  But my kids are HUMAN.  That's when she went apeshit  on me. Telling that she wanted kids but couldn't.  That all her medical problems stem from that.  I said if you wanted kids bad enough she could have fostered or adopted, but that would mean work.  Parenting is NOT easy.  I too had infertility issues and I too worked through them.  God blessed me with 2 wonderful children.  I am so proud and I love them very much. She is so angry, I saw her the same way when she didn't get her way.  There are too many times where in adulthood I was told by my parents that I needed to apologize for her actions and words to so many relatives.  My parents always made me say that I am sorry for her behavior, everyone would always say, why are you doing this and not your sister?  I would say bcz I am the older one.  I finally said my piece to her and now comes the accusations about me not giving the inherited amounts to the sisters.  I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ANYONE ONE OUT OF ANYTHING.  She is a bully to this day.  She was the golden child and she doesn't have mom to protect her anymore.  Please do not get me wrong, I am not against pets, I just choose not to have them.  I think its cruel to have a pet and it sits in the house all day doing God knows what and where all over the house. Never actually go for a walk only out in the yard and back in the house.  She gets home from work after 15 hours and she yells at them bcz they are crazy to see her.  That is cruel.  I also like to have nice, clean places to sit in my home, not covered in hair and slobber.  I like my new freedom, as my kids are grown and I can travel with my husband now and enjoy life again. 

But my younger sister and the baby one are ganging up on me and I will not react to the emails, I will appease them with the information they requested and I will ask to be left alone.  I just hope that I can buy her out of the lake house, bcz my husband and I have worked so hard to make it livable and we don't want it destroyed like her house is.  Is that being greedy, entitled, selfish, and cold-hearted?  I think I deserve some respect after all I have done for the 2 of them.  I think they are the selfish, ungrateful, unappreciative, and plain mean. I guess I am just tired of being the doormat and taken advantage of all the time.

[SerenityCat]

Welcome!

I found this Introduction & Overview section helpful https://outofthefog.website/overview along with the Toolbox https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

You might find some ideas there on how to cope and recover, along with posting here on the forum.

I understand the feeling of being tired of being a doormat. I wish you well in your journey to freedom.

[Roza]

Thank you for your Post. I have no idea how to do any of this.  I guess I will be learning new things here.

[SerenityCat]

Roza do you have access to a therapist? A good one can help you figure out the behaviors of everyone and how you can cope.

[Roza]

Working on it right now, bcz it really is too overwhelming.  I don't like to feel so sad. I have been the smiley one all the time.  I know that I probably hid so much. Thank you for your response.

[all4peace]

Roza, welcome! i have taken the liberty of editing your post to add in paragraph breaks to make it easier to read.

It sounds like you have had a really tough life, and I'm thankful you've found us here. Family systems can be really complex and hard to work through the details, and it sounds to me like you're starting to try to figure out how your family system functions (or dysfunctions).

I'm sorry for the pain and grief you have suffered in your life, and the load of responsibility. I hope you are able to find some answers here. Again, welcome.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Roza and welcome to this website.

As you read through the resources here, hopefully some things will become clearer for you. Sibling relationships are not always good like we see on tv. It soulds like you are working hard to have boundaries with people.

The info here in the toolbox will probably help you to feel stronger about the importance of the work you do to have those boundaries. Let us know how it is going.

Trees

[Roza]

I am taking all responses to heart and I am seeing things in a different light. I have to assert myself so people don't treat me like a doormat. I see that my siblings are just as broken as I am.  They tell me to get therapy,  which I have know now I will be doing.  I can't allow them to hurt me as much as my parents did. If I don't have to see my siblings again would be fine, painful, but I will survive. I have to take care of me now.

[SerenityCat]

Roza    You got the power.  You can get yourself good therapy, for yourself. You can learn to take good care of yourself, one step at a time. You can grieve, learn, survive and even thrive.

[Roza]

Thank you for all of your comments and support.

[JustMeAlone]

I do not think you are being selfish. You simply expected her to act like a responsible adult, which she seems incapable of. You do not owe them whatever they want. It is very selfish of them to act like they have a claim to your assets and ultimate authority over the shared boat house. Remember that you worked hard your whole life to parent them and then single handedly took care of your aging parents. Greif can do strange things to people, but it seems like their sole motivation here is greed and entitlement. Your sister appears to be throwing a manipulative adult temper tantrum. The arguments look like a smoke screen to distract from selfish behavior. As in, "I'm not selfish, your just an unwelcoming host and baby hater! Also, baby sister is on my side so you MUST be wrong". Please stand your ground like the capable adult you've always been. She has no real power.

To protect your investment, a free consultation with a lawyer would be helpful. If she destroys jointly held property, you may be able to take her to court if it isn't "normal wear and tear". For instance, if she destroyed a floor, you could probably take her to court to make her pay for it. However, I don't believe you can make a traditional contract about what you both can and can't do in the house seeing as you both have the same ownership rights. If one of you was a tenant, it would be different. I hope you are able to buy her out. Though it would be wise to have a plan should she throw a fit and refuse "on principle".

[Roza]

JustMeAlone,   
OMG, thank you so much.  I really do feel better after finding this forum.  You guys do get it.  Yes to all accounts you described.  That is so strange to me that others can see it but they can't.  Yes, they have been the greedy ones.  I feel that they have money issues as always and the mom bank is now closed.  They always went to mom for money to get out of jams.  I got married and never looked back.  I has infertility problems early on and my DH took out loans to pay for treatments. I would not ask my parents for money, bcz they would hold it over my head and I could not do that.  They did it all the time and their attitude was who cares, its mom or dad.
Thank you so much for helping me.