10 years of uNPD mil and seeing SIL approach with same ways

[Nomoreblind]

Anyone else having PD MILs see their husband's sisters with same tendancies as their MIL?I have put up 10 years with Mil, distressed by Mil's attitude.  SIL was not that much in the picture, until about 6 years ago.  Since H's stepdad got ill and died and afterwards I gave birth to the only GD. SIL is 51 going on 52, so I guess kids is no longer in her plans.

Mil is going to be 80 this year.  I am late 30's, tell me I am selfish or brutally honest, but I hope to have a few years of peace without her in the background. However, since my DD was born 4 years ago, there seems to be some form of bullying by SIL towards my H. At the beginning, it was always Mil wants to see DD, with complete disregard about our level of tiredness with a baby.  At the baptism Sil took my resting DD away from me to put in my FIL'S arms, DD starts crying stressing the poor old man.  Showing my friend her silver charms bracelet, the occasion on which she has received each of them. Being condescendant with my friend.  Weird teenage girl "look at me, look at what I have" attitude for someone who at the time was 47. After a family lunch, she reproached to my H that my DD of 3 months was always with me, no one could grasp her.

Our first Xmas with our DD, she wanted to impose herself with Mil at our place, when we said we had visitors and have been invited elsewhere for Xmas dinner.  I said previously to my H, long before my DD was born, you will NOT force me to spend my special times of the year with them. I even took a trip away on my own one Xmas to make that point clear with my H, as i was feeling cornered. Sil bullied/guilt trip him so much, H argued with Sil and my H called uNmil and told her he was going to kill himself.  I was at work Mil called for the first time in 6 years, directly on my mobile, drama queen mode, saying/crying. I definitely think Sil and her were together during that call " I could spend Xmas alone, i don't mind, my son just said he wanted to kill himself". I was not calm inside but I calmly told her, he was fine when I left this morning, so let me call him.  You can spend Xmas on your own, fine then. " I made it, as if, ok you are fine, then there is no issue, let me attend to my distressed husband.She continues talking about Xmas. I continue saying, I need to talk to my H, if he is distressed. Then she did some blame shifting act "why would he say that?" I replied "Because you are both guilt tripping." She seemed shocked. I was calm and ended saying I am calling my H.

When we moved to another country Sil was adamant, Mil and another 78 years old friend of hers should come to visit within 1 and a half months of our move abroad, starting our business, with a toddler in toe. Bullying/ guilt triping starts again. This time my H did not argue, he puts me on the phone, she tried her guilt and bully tricks on me, I exploded BIG time, first time in 8 years of patience. I think from there on she knows I will not play balls with her or her mother. Mil stayed at a hotel for that first trip.

First time she came for a 3 days visit with her mom, Sil pretended she had a UTI, after the first night, went to AE, with H, doctor did not take urine samples, weird weird, then went back on the train for several hours to go back home to see her own doctor. If you have a UTI you want a toilet near you and you won't want to travel. Maybe I am biased but I thought it was attention seeking.

Now with my DD, she comes with loads of gifts all the time, always one for me and I wonder if this is grooming. If your attitude is disrespectful, gifts will not buy me.  I will not be impressed.  I am very distant with them, apart from visits in my home, I don't call or talk for Xmas, birthdays or anything. I don't want to waste time on small talk.  Sil and H's dad died recently, i did not even call sil. I am cordial during visits, full stop. They know it.

There was a video call with my H and DD today. They saw me, I vaguely said "Hi", Sil said to my DD twice with a smirk on her face, give a big kiss to your mum for us.  What the hell was that, I was here she could see my why triangulate, make themselves look good in front of DD and my H. My DD, blew kisses to them and continued playing innocently. Do you reckon that's a pushing buttons technique? She can't get through me openly without being taken for a bully, so approaches through my DD, or with gifts covertly. She probably thinks I don't see her coming, but her mum has trained me well to see through that. My friend at the baptism told me also, this is a copy cat of your Mil.

By the way, H discovered Sil got married and divorced through the internet civil status register.  She never said a word about that to anyone. We just kept quiet about it. It is the same person who talls you "It' family" like you do not know what it is. 

When Mil will no longer be around, I consider putting a stop to hosting sil in my home. She wants to see her niece, i think she will have to go to a hotel.  How do I tell my H that, as and when the moment comes? Do you think I will be rude? My guts tell me she is poisonous, my mother told me be careful you are dealing with one for a decade, you don't deal with the other for decades. I do not want her to use guilt trip on my DD, use her as narcissistic supply. She is single, no kids, I do not want my DD to handle that sort of person, or an inheritance be used as a carrot, when DD is of child bearing age and should be focusing on her own life. I hope I will be able to bring her up otherwise, as gifts still impress her now. She says nonesense like "grandma has not been eating, you made her eat" to my 4 years old.   My blood just boils.  Is that the duty of a 4 years old? Grandma was not being spoon fed by my DD as far as I know.

When teenage years will be around, kids rebel, which is normal, I do not want to have that sort of person who does not have my back, in my back ground then.

I have distanced myself from them, but they use my DD to step in our lives or as new supply.  My H seems a bit blind to these games, even though he respects most of my boundaries. If I tell him about it, he becomes defensive. I love him and see through his strengths and weaknesses, he is not the one with the narcissistic traits, thank god, but I want this pattern to end with Mil and protect my DD. 

Thanks fir your thoughts about my long post.

By the way, stay home and safe everyone.  I am being spared a May/June in laws visit this year I guess, because of lock down, but I do hope all my family and friends, including my H's make it safely through this scary time.

[Leonor]

In a word, yes.

My SIL is 100 % just like MIL.

I have set a no-contact whatsoever under any circumstances period between my SIL, me and children.

I'm no contact with MIL and limited, super-restricted, supervised contact with my sons.

It's sad because I tried with both of them to have welcoming relationships with both of them. They are not able to do so.

If FIL passes it's likely that MIL will live with SIL and they will go all Grey Gardens together.

[Nomoreblind]

Thanks Leonor. 

Actually it is so true.  Mil started the waif method, unable to so anything for herself as soon as her H died.  She used to travel internationally at the drop of a pin before.  SIL decided to go at Mil's more frequently, until her relationship with her then partner ended.  But my H was blamed by Sil, for her relationship ending as he did not help much when Mil had cancer, early diagnosis.  Bare in mind, at the time, I was pregnant, sick through out, working and finishing my Masters, H was driving me around to my work and uni  as I did not drive then and had no car. I reminded her of my tough pregnancy and she said everyone gets pregnant! I responded that she made the choice to make herself available that much to Mil that as adults everyone makes choices, you made yours.  I or my H have never asked you to make these choices.

Yeah, now Sil has almost moved from her flat to Mil's house, renting her flat.  Gossiping about me probably, Mil did not make life easy for Sil's previous partner, she actually made him cry quite a few times.  They fight a lot, but pretend a lot in public.  When they see me and H happy with our DD, they don't seem very happy.  Just full of pretence.

[mayaberry]

Yes it is possible. My sil is exactly like nmil and they would defend each other all day long. It was actually sil that I had an issue with first. This was before I really knew about PD's. It was only after years of dealing with sil and her totally unreasonable behaviour that I began to realise that actually MIL had very similar traits. Once my FIL passed away (10 years ago), they really ramped up for both of them

[PeanutButter]

IMO your instincts should be trusted completely when it comes to protecting DD.

Do not worry about SIL's feelings they are completely irrelevant.

I would, if I were you, absolutely stand my ground and not let a repeat happen with narcissist SIL stepping into the role of narcissist MIL once she is gone.

I would always calmly state my boundaries where DD is concerned to H allowing that he is an adult stating that you know he can decide for himself what he wants to do with his sister but you are going to protect DD from the toxicity going forward.