Why did I let it get this far?

[Whatthehey]

I am so angry and feeling so weird and sad.  I want to just punch him.  We agreed to temporary orders.  He is following them to the letter.  Except for the part where he pays me alimony.  I know it is killing him.  My dOCPDstbx is all about the money.  He is a slob but when it comes to money he is very controlling.  He likes to people to think we were at the poorhouse level.  We scrimped, saved, and he cried every day that we had no money.  No vacations.  Cheap cars.  Now he is dragging his feel on paying my alimony.  And he will make up some excuse - and I will go through hoops - and he will control my actions and make jump through hoops.  When he teed up the payment the address was out of state - he sent me a screen shot of it - I said it's a national bank and probably just the processing center - don't worry, the numbers are correct. No, no no, I had to go the bank and double check to ensure that it wasn't going elsewhere.  And while there, withdraw past payment from our joint account, make a copy of course, and deposit the cashiers check.  and make another copy.  He has killed so many trees with weird rules.

So I sit here in my apartment with furniture that bought (thank you Goodwill).  I have a bed and a chair and a TV.  I think we agreed to my list of furniture I want (most are family pieces) but I can't move them for another four weeks.  Has to be during the week (doesn't want the neighbors to see) and when he isn't working so he can be present and I don't take anything I didn't ask for originally.  Everything in that house I picked out and 75% is furniture from my family.  He is punishing me but of course he has a good story for it.  A good reason and I just look crazy if I complain.

Now I'm looking at July 4th.  And there is no family to see fireworks with or anything.  My friends are so few and far between - he didn't like many of them and I have really isolated myself.  I truly believe I could die and no one would find me for days.  That is very scary.  Almost worth going back to him - almost.

He told me his psychologist told him he has OCPD.  He said it like - Look, I admit it.  Come back.  On one hand, it's nice to validated and I am glad he is still going to therapy.  But telling me he has been diagnosed is not admitting he has a problem. 

I am so lonely.  Sad.  How did I let it get this far?

[Spygirl]

This is a scary time for you, i was there, i completely understand and remember it.

I had a chair, a mattress, and 3 trash bags of clothes. I also had our pets. I felt exhausted, drained. I was full of pain and hope that my stbexh would work it out somehow. That did not happen.

I also appreciate goodwill! I furnished my place with it.

I get all the rules about the money, going thru something similar. Its like ypu cut a piece of them off when you take it. No credit for your contributions to the marriage. I also self isolated from family and friends. I was encouraged to feel guilty for spending time away. Xmas was very lonely for me.

Its not that you let it get this far, its that you thought if you loved a little more, were more patient, tried harder to make your home a sanctuary,  that your pd would feel better about life. Be less anxious, angry, strange.

It was never our resonsibility to manage the emotions of another. That is an impossible task..i am greatful that you are out , safe, and going thru the process of healing. It gets better. A little every week. Keep looking forward, and think of what you will do with your freedom.

[Omygoodess]

Hey swirling emotions....
I am sleeping on a friend's couch. Before this I was sleeping at my office on the floor. I left my home with No furniture. Having NO CONTACT! It sucks, but I am coming Out of the FOG. We share similar stories. It feels so lonely because you have to give up your life as you know it. I have thought about going back to him, but I finally broke feee after 3.5 years. I read about people who have waisted 20+ years with a PD. I have been doing my own thing every weekend feeling so alone, but I DID IT!!!! I broke free of his craziness. They can be monsters!! Run and don't look back!!

[Husband Confused]

I feel for you.  I left my marriage of 19 years.  I left my dog.  I left my furniture.  I left my house.  But i felt that I could not take it any more, I could not survive it.  I would rather be anywhere or nowhere than with her.  I wish I could say it was an easy transition but, after three years now, it's not.  My pdw made part of it easier in terms of second thoughts.  Her point in our conversations was that everything was my fault and her actions (silent scorn, surveillance, silent treatment, etc. etc.) were because of my actions.  I know today that there is nothing I could have done to make anything better and it was slowly killing me.  I am right where I am supposed to be, even though I miss my dog and that old house.

[melw82]

Its not that you let it get this far, its that you thought if you loved a little more, were more patient, tried harder to make your home a sanctuary,  that your pd would feel better about life. Be less anxious, angry, strange.

I'm now properly split from my emotionally abusive partner, no contact is in full swing and has been for months and the self care from putting myself through therapy is working wonders. I just want to say I totally identify with this quote. At the start of being split, I went through such a truly horrid few weeks of feeling complete and utter pointlessness. I genuinely felt like I had no identity or purpose in life. I wasn't suicidal I don't think. But the emotions i was expressing to my first therapist were scarily similar. I guess that feeling outlined above is in my opinion, a dangerous way to think of yourself because of where it can take you. Remember your worth by working through those guilty feelings, rationalise them and find that self validation that they just aren't true about yourself! Don't self destruct which is what happened to me weeks after no contact. For me I needed help, my brain on it's own wasn't going to achieve sorting this out for myself.

Revisiting times & memories before your partner really helped me actually. I had dinner night with a bunch of people I used to work with at one of the happiest times of my life and before I got serious with the ex - it worked absolute wonders to have people talk about me to me of what I used to be like. I can recommend doing that for yourself for sure!

[Whatthehey]

Thank you everyone for your input.  I am in therapy and I. think. that. I will move it to more frequent visits.  Perhaps I will visit family - which I didn't see very often when married.  Unfortunately, I never really had a before - we have. been together for more than 33 years.  I sometimes feeling adrift and not really sure who I am now. 

But perhaps I can turn that to a positive?