Was I just Hoovered?

[Whatthehey]

Met with my stbxOCPDh? this morning.  In a six hour very frank and direct conversation, I agreed to stop the divorce and keep the separation.  For the first time in 33 years he  said he was sorry for his behavior and admitted that he was OCPD.  You could have knocked me over with a feather!  He has never admitted he was sorry.  Never any self reflection.  I was stunned.  Some tears but mostly real direct conversation.  When he drifted or became the slightest passive/aggressive, I pulled back. I grey rocked and he pointed it out "I can't talk to you when you are like this" and I told him directly - "I have to do this to cope with it so get used to it."  He agreed and continued.

I also told him I was afraid of him and concerned about physical abuse.  He was stunned.  He claimed to have no memory of the those instances.  And its true that after any blow up he denied it ever happening to that extreme. (he never physically hit me but there were times of physical intimidation)  We sat in a park, away from others but still public and he did not deny or obfuscate in any manner.  I told him I could live with the man I saw today.

So I agreed to halt the divorce if he agreed to my conditions.  One, two year separation with separate living arrangements.  Two, we both continue in therapy.  Three, in two years I am going to full-time RV and if, if, if, he wants to go, he can. But we have lots to work out until then.  Finances, work, house, etc.  He seemed very open to it for the first time in our marriage.  We had a real honest and open give and take. 

We have LOTS to work on.  I have to develop more self confidence and boundaries.  He has to well, he just has too. 

Did I just get taken?  Is he really trying?  I love the man I saw today - I am afraid of the man I left.  How do I keep my defenses/boundaries up?  I am really loving my single hood and the ability to control my own future.  How do I keep that?  Am I strong enough?  There are some times when I just feel a wave of sadness or despair wash over me.  Only a moment.  I just stand still and breath but it still is hard to fight.

What the hell did I just do?!?!?!

[Jsinjin]

I think that you have to reread and highlight and study portions of the book, "Boundaries" every day.    Sending you hope, prayers and support.   It's not possible to say whether or not there will be meaningful change to your relationship but there is hope.   

For me, its easy to whitewash all of the past so I have to always be wary but it sounds like you have a strong sense of how you should be treated and know what to look for.   

If you give in fully to healing and reconciliation, all I can recommend is to know exactly what boundaries would lead to you having to pull the plug.

Hope and prayers your way!

Jsj

[Doggo]

Wow--I am in a very similar situation as of last week. Finally stood up for myself and we had a 'real' talk about communicating and his reactions, etc. And I pulled back from the brink of filing for divorce. So I can relate--and I am feeling the same confusion. On the other hand, the whole thing has eased up my otherwise overwhelming anger--and in the remaining calm, I have been wondering if I actually DO in fact want to spend the rest of my life with my uPD-ADHD-who-knows-what-else-h.

[clara]

The arrangement you've made is both excellent and difficult.  It's an excellent solution, but the difficulty will lie in not being able to observe him "up close and personal" on a daily basis.  PDs can and do present the very best of themselves in limited, regulated interactions.  They can maintain the mask for long periods of time, but not forever.  Not if they've not really changed.  Talk is cheap.  Observe what he does, not what he says.  Remember--he claimed to have "no memory" of his extreme behavior.  Yet you witnessed what he was capable of. 

I've read on this forum, over and over, and experienced in my own life, the change a PD can affect when they feel their back is against the wall.  Then, when they start feeling secure, they resort to their old behavior as if nothing changed.  I'm not saying they can't changed, and you've certainly set up strong enough boundaries to protect yourself and see how the situation unfolds over time, but I'd still be very careful.  One of the traps easy to fall into is the one where what we want to happen is what we see happening. 

[notrightinthehead]

I suppose you are wondering where this reasonable, self reflective, apologetic man was hiding during your marriage.

You might find this checklist helpful in deciding if the change is real:

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=79270.msg688664#msg688664

[Whatthehey]

Wow, that checklist is so helpful!  I wish I saw it before this past weekend. 

I talked to my lawyer and he gave me a come to Jesus talk.  I needed it.   And in my state, the maximum for separation is three months.  So divorce it is.

But that is a good thing as today I wanted to reach through the phone and slap him.  Our daughter is having trouble financially - college's remit grants slowly.   I asked her father, my stbxOCPDh, to float some $.  She has worked. very hard and has a child to care for - by herself and more than 10 hours away from family - all to get a better education so she can support herself.  We agreed to help during this process.  But when I talked to him today he hesitated.  No, not really hesitated but downright refused.  So now, as I look at what is in my measly account while he sits on all the funds, I do not know what to do. 

I was livid this afternoon and wasn't sure about writing but I have found it very helpful to post here on this forum.  I am so glad I didn't call the divorce off.  He certainly didn't last very long in the good - let me win you back - phase.

Sigh.