Newbie here

[Kkat]

Hi!     i have been in a relationship with who i believe is a narcissist for 4 years.  It has been 4 years of hell on and off... now i am ready to say goodbye forever and just looking for support.  i have sooo much anxiety and sadness but i know it needs to happen! Ugh.  One year ago exactly I moved into his home out of an apartment i loved and the very next day he broke up with me and no longer wanted "this".  I moved back to the area i loved after a few weeks of scrambling and having to move back in with my parents.  2 months later i was sucked back in by him and he moved in to MY place after selling his house.  I also just found out he was on dating apps while we were together a couple years ago.  who knows what he has done since then.   Fast forward to today - he has been nothing short of awful the last couple months.   I am pretty sure i will be discarded soon but i am ready to end it first now and take control or just let him leave without a reaction.  he is currently giving me the silent treatment and out of town.  Any advice/support would be so appreciated 

[SonofThunder]

Hello Kkat and welcome to Out of the FOG ☺️

Im very sorry you have suffered in your relationship for 4 years. Out of the FOG is a great place to find support amoung others who are walking similar journeys. The behaviors you describe align with experiences from personality disordered people.  You may benefit from visting the Personality Disorders tab up at the top of every page and the Top 100 traits section, locating the terminology that aligns with your experiences. 

I believe doing that activity may provide you support for what you experience, and you can then assign a terminology name to the behaviors for easier conversational understanding here on the forum.  Slide one tab over to the right and park yourself at the wonderful Toolbox tab, which will provide excellent practical advice on dealing with your experiences.

Finally, I like recommend that new arrivals visit Dr. Ramani's YouTube series on terminology, to further assist with both of those recommended tabs here at Out of the FOG.  Her link is at the bottom of my reply.  Please remember to do all this research privately, to assist you in your journey. 

You are not alone.  Please make yourself at home and I look forward to interacting with you on the forum boards. 

SoT

Dr. Ramani: Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3QtnfcMTMhEfRXN-Kk2vndn89nBZxKUj

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Kkat. You already have experienced that you allow yourself to be sucked back in.  What are you planning to do differently this time so that you don't fall for his tricks again? What support have you lined up to help you stay away should you manage to get out? You could look at your relationship as some kind of addiction, you know it's bad for you,  yet you continue doing it. And every time you go back, you break a little bit more.
This site is really supportive, and you need any help you can get. Please prepare yourself well, start using the tools from the Toolbox today, and ask all the kind and loving people you still have in your life to help you with your plan of getting out and staying out.

[Kkat]

As anticipated he moved out while I was at work Tuesday.  There was no conversation, just gone, as usual.  I have been in touch with my counselor after not seeing her for a year and we do have a session tomorrow.  I do believe my relationship was an addiction, first step is admitting right?  In the past I would agonize over each break up.  This time, where I am still in pain, I understand that I simply can't ever talk to him again.  I have wasted 4 years and am more broken than ever now but I am determined to move on forever where as in the past I did have some hope left.  I always suspected he was a narcissist.  I will check out the personality disorders tab and share more of my story there,  Thanks