Planning to leave, what to ask for, what’s next

[BNBmama]

Hello, I've been in this relationship on and off for about 16 years and married for 7.  Something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it or what to do.  It's not always bad and most of the time it's good.  But when he's angry or irritated he calls me and my family names, he's loud, he's intimidating.  He has a person who is a "target" and and just so completely bad / full blame and owes him an apology / should be arrested etc.  It used to be his sister after an incident that happened and after many years their relationship is fine and now it's my very good friend and brother in law.  I hate it when the kids overhear these rants (they are 2 and 5) and when my older son feels he has to stick up for me ("you can't say that to my mommy".). I've never learned how to stick up for myself and in this situation I'm afraid to.  I don't speak up much since I just want to avoid conflict.  There are also some unpleasant jabs and insinuations he occasionally makes (like I make things so complicated or suggests I'm unfaithful.). There haven't been any outbursts in the last few weeks, but I know nothing will change and he won't seek counseling / mental health if I just stay.  I'm hoping if I leave he will.  At least I can try and keep the kids out of earshot of any future rants.  Otherwise we have a fun time as a family.  It's hard.

[bloomie]

BNBmama - Hi and welcome. My heart goes out to you and your kiddos as you face such difficulty. I am really glad you found this wonderful community.

There are great resources and a toolbox at the drop down menus above and insights and support in the conversations taking place on the boards. The Separating and Divorcing board is a place where you will find others in different stages of ending difficult, complicated relationships like you anticipate doing.

Here is a link to a leaving checklist that may be helpful to you as you organize yourself and think through your next steps: https://outofthefog.website/separating-divorcing/2015/12/5/leaving-checklist

The atmosphere you are living in has to be heavy with a kind of anticipating the next outburst. That is very hard to hold up under or see your kiddos exposed to. I hope you have some in real life support with family or friends as well as connecting here.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. Join the conversations here and read through the threads, check out some of the other online resources, and be fed and encouraged. Sending you strength and comfort as you prepare for this change.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome!

We know how hard it is to get to this point: the point where you say "something is definitely wrong and I definitely need to do something about it." It is so hard to backup and stop and realize that -- as user observed -- we ought not ever be abused.

Our Committed to Working On It board is full of people just like yourself, trying to manage and mitigate, so they can maintain the relationships that are important to them, and make them better. Many people here have successfully managed the PD in their lives and achieved a loving relationship. You may not ever get to perfection, and that's OK. You can certainly improved things: hopefully a lot.

I encourage you to share a two-part message. This is a man you love, and whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Make sure he knows that, and sees and feels your love and respect. The other part of the message is that you have a few things you need. This is where you explain your new boundaries. Go check out our Boundaries page. I think boundaries may be the core of how you proceed.

• Boundaries do not control what other people can do.
• Instead, they are an expression of what you will or will not do, or engage with.
• You enforce your own boundaries by declining to do or engage with certain behaviors.
• At their best, we can enforce boundaries without resorting to nuclear options.
• At our best, we do our boundaries with cheerful pleasantness )"I can see you really want to talk about this, but I really can't be a part of it, so I will call you back another time. Have a great day!")
• Some people are so hostile and obstructive that boundaries no longer work.

Good luck, and we'll see you on the boards.

[BNBmama]

Thank you, and yes - it's my hope to maintain this relationship.  But things have slid so far I don't know how to make a firm boundary other than leaving for awhile and setting some steps to me coming back (we meet with your adderal provider and marriage counseling regularly.).
I feel like I have to keep reminding myself of the negative effects the angry outbursts / tension has on the children to keep me tough

[notrightinthehead]

Can you afford to leave for a while? Are you financially independent? Your kids are small, do you have childcare if you go out to work? Do you have support for yourself? Counseling? Support groups such as CoDA, friends, family?
I totally agree with you, that's not a good environment for kids to grow up in. It's good of you that you want to do what is good for your kids.

[Starboard Song]

Thank you, and yes - it's my hope to maintain this relationship.  But things have slid so far I don't know how to make a firm boundary other than leaving for awhile and setting some steps to me coming back.

It is so hard when the PD is sharing our lives and homes. I admit it is beyond the depth I had to deal with.

I encourage you to begin with the message of love and dedication I shared earlier. And explain -- calmly -- that you can no longer accept the outbursts of anger. It is OK for him to be upset. To disagree with you. To correct you. But that YOU NEED HIM TO STOP expressing that correction so angrily. You will work with him to find a healthier way to express frustration, but raised voices, violence, name calling, and judgemental language are no longer acceptable. You've chosen him as a life partner, so YOU NEED HIM TO PARTNER with you to find a healthier way.

I fear that leaving and negotiating a return -- while totally within your rights -- may be less likely to achieve success. PD folks often feel judged and angry and cornered without provocation: a PD person whose spouse heads to a hotel is less likely than a healthy person to accept that well.

Again, no judgement: you are in a terribly hard place and you have to navigate it yourself. Do so the best you can and we have your back.

Be good. Be strong.