Handling Guilt

[goofycrumble]

Guilt the big G in FOG

I feel so sad when I have to say I can't give my Mother money even though she only reaches out when she thinks its my payday. I know she is a desperate person living the desperate consequences of very bad decisions and dysfunction but it is hard to have boundaries and say No I can't help you without feeling like trash

Even engaging in the most minimum way with her via text from another continent gives me feelings of hopelessness and shame, it's tragic


How does everyone here deal with guilty feelings of not being enough or doing enough or setting boundaries and saying No?

What tips or coping strategies did you develop that made life better and happier?


Side note: I finally got referral to have counselling arranged with the NHS so hopefully this won't take too much longer, Yay! 

[bloomie]

goofycrumble - It is very sad to see someone we love, like your mother, experiencing the consequences of their own very bad choices. All kinds of emotions rise up in us and compassion is certainly one of them.

I have really benefitted from studying the work of Karla McLaren around emotions in helping me work with and understand their purpose when they arise. She says something interesting about guilt and shame that has helped me a great deal:

Guilt is a factual state, not an emotional one. You're either guilty or not guilty. If you're not guilty, then there's nothing to be ashamed of.

https://karlamclaren.com/embracing-guilt-and-shame/

What has helped a a lot is learning that having boundaries around our resources and being wise in if/how/when we can offer another person assistance is part of being a responsible, mature adult. There is nothing unkind or selfish or uncaring in being a careful manager of our own lives and not continuing to invest in people who are unreliable.

Sometimes we do get to a place of hopelessness with a disordered parent. In a way, that was a place I could begin to let go of any expectation that I could ever change my parent and grieve it all. No amount of love, concern, financial help, listening, running after, begging them to get help... none of it changed their choices and downward spiral.

It was true I was not enough. I couldn't do enough. No one was or could.

My own uPD mother was addicted, mentally ill and a bottomless pit of need that had I not learned to set clear boundaries with would've taken me down with her.

Learning to understand and work with my emotions and move through them without harsh judgment of myself and others and remembering that feelings do not = facts were two key areas of growth for me in this false guilt and false shame cycle.

Reaching out here and getting support from a counselor are great steps to move you forward!



More from Karla McLaren is found here: https://karlamclaren.com/start-here/
and also her youtube channel has been another great resource for me: https://www.youtube.com/user/KarlaMcLaren

[p123]

Guilt the big G in FOG

I feel so sad when I have to say I can't give my Mother money even though she only reaches out when she thinks its my payday. I know she is a desperate person living the desperate consequences of very bad decisions and dysfunction but it is hard to have boundaries and say No I can't help you without feeling like trash

Even engaging in the most minimum way with her via text from another continent gives me feelings of hopelessness and shame, it's tragic


How does everyone here deal with guilty feelings of not being enough or doing enough or setting boundaries and saying No?

What tips or coping strategies did you develop that made life better and happier?


Side note: I finally got referral to have counselling arranged with the NHS so hopefully this won't take too much longer, Yay! 

Hi Goofy - Its tough. I had it for years. Used to run for Dads every whim.

In the end, something clicks. With me I nearly lost my wife and kids because of him. That was it. I realised.

(p.s. NHS - must be UK. Welcome another brit!)

[goofycrumble]

Thank you Bloomie!! 🌸

[goofycrumble]

Hiya Mr. P123!

Yes, good old NHS, its slow but is getting there and my Wellbeing Service was really helpful. Luckily, I'm not at risk I was evaluated with moderate low mood and anxiety and they agreed counselling would be better instead of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. People who are very depressed and at risk do struggle with the slow pace of getting help which is tough

I'm so sorry your relationship with your Dad caused you so much difficulty. How do you cope and deal with difficult feelings at the moment?

Are you reading or watching anything in particular that helps?

[p123]

Hiya Mr. P123!

Yes, good old NHS, its slow but is getting there and my Wellbeing Service was really helpful. Luckily, I'm not at risk I was evaluated with moderate low mood and anxiety and they agreed counselling would be better instead of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. People who are very depressed and at risk do struggle with the slow pace of getting help which is tough

I'm so sorry your relationship with your Dad caused you so much difficulty. How do you cope and deal with difficult feelings at the moment?

Are you reading or watching anything in particular that helps?

Yes things move slowly with the NHS!

Its hard to cope with everything. This forum provides the most help - especially one of my favourite posters Woman Interrupted.

[athene1399]

I try to remind myself that the guilt I sometimes feel is due to the disordered thinking by my FOO. They trained me to always feel guilty if I was not 100% selfless, doing something for one of them. If I take time for myself, I feel so guilty and like such a waste of space. I now label that thought as "M's thought. not mine" and that seems to help. I'm trying to create my own values, like I can take time for self-care, it is important and doesn't make me a waste of space. The other is, I am allowed to say "no" to my FOO. I don't even need a reason. I can say no becasue I want to. That has been liberating, but if I feel guilty for saying no, I come one here and I get a lot of validation. This place helps a lot when I am doubting myself.